Christmas had its moments and not all of them happy

On Christmas Eve D and I went to a 7:30pm mass b/c D had to work Christmas (boo,boo,boo) (his days off are friday and sat. no matter what so he works all holidays unless they happen to fall on a fri or sat, yuck) and we couldn't do midnight mass. Our church was beautifully decorated for Christmas and I get pretty emotional in church in general but I lost it at mass. After I received the Eucharist I was praying in my pew and lost it. Thank God I had the forethought to bring kleenex but, I was embarrassed. I can't hold it together sometimes and it is happening more and more. I particularly hate losing it in front of D.

After church we went home and opened some of a couple of our gifts to each other. I, of course, picked my 2 largest boxes and got 2 new pairs of ug.gs. I have to say ug.gs are quite frankly ugly, really ugly. I would never picture myself wearing them (and here I am on my 2nd and 3rd pair)but, they are so warm and I love that part. So, the girl who enjoys wearing heels every day, wears ug.gs sometimes, please don't call the fashion police.

D picked his stocking to open so he didn't get such elaborate gifts to open. He did find out he was getting an i-tou.ch b/c I had put a cover for it in his stocking so he was excited for that.

We packed up all our gifts and headed up to my parents after that. When we got there my mom tells me that my aunt said that she wants to stop getting pictures of my dog for Christmas and she wants to see kids instead. Thank God she didn't say it in front of D. I told her tell Zia that if she gives me $36,000 I'll go get her a kid right now. I hate people!!!

D was pretty upset when he went to bed, I really wish I hadn't lost it front of him b/c he feels so guilty. He starts apologising and then says these awful words to me "maybe it would be better if I just leave and don't come back." WTF!!!! I know I can get through a lot of things and if we can't have kids I would eventually learn to live with it but I can not live with out D. So I proceeded to tell him all this and a lot more and that no matter what we were going to make it and eventually we went to sleep.

We woke up on Christmas day and D was in a better mood and thanked me for everything and told me how he appreciate and loves me. I love him so much and that's it, D is my partner for life no matter what comes our way.

D went to work and I had breakfast with my family. We then made the calls to my aunts and uncles in Italy to wish everyone a Buon Natale. Well everyone asked when are we having kids, My aunt, my uncle, my cousins, my other aunt, my other cousins, my other cousin on behalf on my aunt (she basically said, my mom said to hurry up and have a boy). I don't know how I held it together for 3 separate phone calls but I did.

Minutes after the last call I went into my brother's room, my old bedroom and cried for I think hours. It was not pretty. At some point my mom found and gave me the same speech, Don't worry, it will work out, you and D are good people. Yeah, cause that's how the world works, good people get good things and bad people get bad things. I told her I needed to be alone and I know that hurts her but nothing is going to make me feel better and hearing stuff like that doesn't help.

In the evening, after D returned, we ate Christmas dinner and opened gifts and hung out for a while. We were supposed to play some Italian card games (it's a different deck with 40 cards instead of 52) but my mom, the hustler, always carries the deck in her purse looking for briscola games, lost the deck :(

D, my bro (he feels a lot better) and I went to my cousin's to see her 2 kids and deliver there Christmas goodies. They were so excited with there gifts and I loved seeing their happy faces. I really love Christmas and all my family, even though they are nuts.

My bro stayed with us on Christmas night and the next day, Ant and I went to visit another 2 set of cousins (D had to work, yuck) and spread our Christmas cheer. It was so nice to see all my little cousins, they are all so silly and special. I also saw my Uncle who had the heart attack around Thanksgiving and he is feeling better but his business isn't doing well and that blows.

At one of my cousins house I got a crocheting lesson, so I'm going to crochet a scarf this year. I hope it takes me less time then the scarf I knit took. It seems like crocheting is a lot faster.

So, before you say to yourself, Wow, the worms got through the day with out tears here they come. After D got home from work we went to my other cousins house to see her and her 4 kids, her youngest is our God-daughter. So while we are there D was upstairs with my brother and her 2 sons and my cousin and I were in the kitchen and she asked the question that all infertiles dread. What's going on? When you having kids? I teared up and gave the we're having some issues and we're working on it spiel. She asked is it you? I hate those questions! What difference does it make? What affects one of us, affects both of us! I didn't get into what our issues are, I just said we'll be pursuing IVF in the future. I asked her not to say anything to my aunt and other cousin and I hope she doesn't.

If you've read this far, thanks, I hope I didn't make your eyes bleed. Today, D and I are going to see his Godson and other kids YAY! Tomorrow we get to visit our other God-daughter, the last of his brothers 6 daughters, that will be fun too =/

Wishing us all ONLY tears of joy in 2009!

Oh, here's Oreo's Christmas pic, just as cute as a baby (at least that's what I keep telling myself). Oh, ignore the weird shading on the box, I was trying to erase my foot out of the pic, you don't see that in the card I mailed out ;)

It's the most wonderful time of the year

I LOVE the Holiday Season!!! It really is the best time of the year, I know I am a corny loser but the Christmas season always fills me with so much hope.


Nothing new to report really. D has his hormones checked after being on the clomid a month and all is well. He will continue to take it until mTESE or even better sperm in the SA. Praying for a huge miracle :)


My brother is doing much better. He had follow up with surgeon today and he is good to go. He will be returning to work on Monday.


I have to say that have 2 of the most important men in my life being "injured" around the same time was so stressful. Thank God nothing was life or death but it still was scary to see them in the hospital. I'm so glad they are both doing so much better.


D has been in a better place lately and we've been praying together at night. I really hope he finds some peace with all this.


So in the season of giving - I'm giving you all some laughter. One of my favorite S.N.L. holiday skits of all time (click on photo to be directed to the video). Enjoy!

Good News

Sorry, I've been pretty MIA.

Lot's going on and most of it actually good.

My brother came home late last week, YAY!!!! He's minus a gall bladder but, doing well over all. I'm so glad he's home. He'll be recovering at home until last week in December and then he goes back to work.

D and I are officially 33 years old. I was a little sad to have another birthday go by w/o a baby but, as I mentioned 3 and 9 are my lucky #'s, so being 33 in 2009 is going to bring good things :)

We went out with a group of friends this past Saturday to celebrate the big 33 and it was so nice to spend some time with friends and to blow out some birthday candles.

I've always been an extremely outgoing, friendly person and IF is making me a loner. I don't want to be around people and don't want to go anywhere. Well, I've decided I don't want to be this way so I am going to work on being less of a loner and hopefully, slowly get back to my old self.

I've got a good feeling about 2009.

Trying to stay positive :)

My blog is so depressing :(

I'm going to try to be more positive. Everyday I see people who are so much more worse off than D and I and I am going to try to be grateful for everything in my life from now on. (We'll see how that works out)

Anyway, my bro is doing much better. Thanks so much for prayers and support.
He has pancreatitus and will be having gall bladder removed tomorrow. He should be coming home by end of the week.

Are you kidding me?

Ok, I am slowly getting to the end of my rope.

I seriously need 2009 to hurry up and get here! 2008 is not so great.

Last week my Uncle had a heart attack, he is doing better and had angioplasty on one side and will have it done on the other side in six weeks.

My Zio (my uncle in Italy) has bone marrow cancer and is responding well to treatment. (my parents have known for a while that he was dx'ed but decided not to tell me til now, wtf!)

And now my brother is in the hospital. He has been sick since the Sunday before Thanksgiving. It started out with lots of vomiting (over 20x a day) for the first couple of days and fever. He was dx'ed with food poisoning, then dehydration and a UTI. He visited his PC Dr. 3x before they finally sent him to the ER.

He was admitted on Monday evening and immediately started him on IV. After various tests and more b/w they said he had pancreatitis and would need to have gall bladder removed. They started him on an IV only diet (no food or liquids) for 48 to calm his pancreas down before doing surgery.

Yesterday his b/w came back worse and he had a really high fever. Nothing is calming down and his white blood cell count is through the roof. They changed his IV to something else and he will have an MRI today.

A has been sick for over a week, he is completely drained, looks awful, has lost over 10 lbs and has barely slept in the last week and a 1/2. please pray they figure out what is wrong (I don't know if the initial dx is wrong and no one will give us an answer) and he recovers very soon.
He's my baby brother (well only a year younger than me but still) and my only sibling, I hate seeing him like this.

The only good thing about his hospital is that it is super fancy, he has his own room and flat screen TV, computer and Internet access. D was so jealous when he saw my bro's room. In case you don't remember the only entertainment D had while he was in the hospital was his neighbor next door jerking off all night long. YUCK!