hi

we are on a break!!!

i couldn't find a pic from the episode when Ross screams "WE WERE ON A BREAK" so i am using this pic which is from one of my fav fri.ends episodes of all time.

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IVF#3 was converted into IUI#4 and it was a BFFN!

seriously, why would something actually work?

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anyway, this is where i am at. i will try to update this blog once and while. i don't even think anyone is still reading but sometimes i need the outlet.

5 years

Today marks our 5 year TTC anniversary.

I can't wrap my head around every thing we have been through the last 5 years. I can't believe we still aren't parents and I can't believe we have 4 angel babies.

Every year I tell myself this is last time I will be celebrating this anniversary.

Every year I tell myself next year will be different.

Every year I tell myself this is finally the year it will happen.

And every year brings more pain and sadness and loss.

This year mother nature gave me my period as anniversary gift. I really hope and pray this is the last period I get for a very long time.

30 Day Book Challenge, Days 27-30

Well, this challenge did get me to post more than I have in the last few months so I guess I accomplished that task :)


Day 27 – The most surprising plot twist or ending

I guess I'm going My Sister's Keeper by Jody Picoult. This was the 1st book I read by her and was actually surprised. Sadly, now I can predict her plot twists before they happen.

Day 28 – Favorite title

How to be a Complete Bitch by Pamela Stephenson-Connolly
Great title :)

Day 29 – A book everyone hated but you liked

can't think of one

Day 30 – Your favorite book of all time

I hate questions like this! Choosing 1 book! That's so hard :(

I guess I will go with Pride and Prejudice.

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In other news, I started lupron on Saturday so I guess it's really on.

30 Day Book Challenge, days 23-26

I seriously suck at this :(

Day 23 – A book you wanted to read for a long time but still haven’t

The Hunger Games, still haven't read it.

Day 24 – A book that you wish more people would’ve read

The Book Thief

Day 25 – A character who you can relate to the most

I have to think about this......

Day 26 – A book that changed your opinion about something

I have to think about this too..........

These questions are too deep for a Monday morning.

Ok, I thought about it and my choice is Amazing Grace: the Lives of Children and the Conscience of a Nation by Jonathan Kozol. I love this book and it is one of the reasons I do the work I do (community development).

30 Day Book Challenge, Days 14-22

I have seriously been slacking, sorry.

D and I took a weekend trip to AC and had a great time. I also started provera in prep for IVF#3. Can't believe we're doing it again.

Day 14 – Favorite book of your favorite writer

I'll go with Harper Lee and you guessed it, To Kill a Mockingbird.

Day 15 – Favorite male character

Eric from Southern Vampire Chronicles, he is so sexy and Ranger from the Stephanie Plum series, again, he is so sexy! I have a thing for bad boys with hearts of gold. Is it bad that I have crushes on characters in books?

Day 16 – Favorite female character

Hmm, I will go with Hermoine Granger, from HP. Love her, she's a true and loyal friend, very smart and brave and gets to be the brightest witch of her age, what's not to love?

Day 17 – Favorite quote from your favorite book

This is hard......

"The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid."
— Jane Austen (Northanger Abbey)

Day 18 – A book that disappointed you

When you read series, you are bound to be disappointed at times. Especially when you wait forever for a book and then it wasn't all that you expected it to be.

I'm going with the last book from the Southern Vampire Chronicles, A Touch of Dead.

Day 19 - Favorite Book turned into a Movie

I'm going with the Harry Potter series. As much as the movies annoy me (when they leave imp stuff out!), I love seeing the books come to life.

Day 20 – Favorite romance book

The Magic of You by Johanna Lindsay, pure cheese but such a cute story :)

Day 21 – Favorite book from your childhood

My parents never read to me, English was not their first language so I don't have memories of them reading to me or favorite first type book.

One series I loved when I was in grammar school was the Girls of Canby Hall by Emily Chase

Day 22 – Favorite book you own

What book don't I own? My book shelves are jammed. D calls reading my crack. For the last few years I have discovered the wonders of the NY city library system and have stopped buying books. The exception to this is if I really love a book and I need to own it. After borrowing The Help from the library I had to have it on my shelves :) Great book!

30 Day Book Challenge - day 13

Day 13 – Your favorite writer

This is a hard one because I have lots of favorites in a variety of genres :(

You all know I have issues choosing just 1.

UGH!!!

Well, I've decided I'm not choosing one so I'm going with a bunch from various genres

Harper Lee, Jane Austin, Jane Green, Charlaine Harris, Laurell K. Hamilton and JK Rowling

30 Day Book Challenge - Day 10, 11 & 12

Day 10 – Favorite classic book

I'm going with Pride and Prejudice. I do love it and try to read it every year.

I actually watched the movie last night (Kei.ra Knig.htly version)

Day 11 – A book you hated

Ok, in my quest for reading all things para-normal and really enjoying werewolf stories I stumbled upon a series called the Kitty series, the first book is called Kitty and the Midnight Hour. I did not like it at all and never continued reading the series. Why do I hate it? I strongly dislike the control the pack leader has over his pack and that he forces himself on Kitty but since she's in the pack she can't say no.

and another book I don't hate but I can't finish, no matter how many times I try to read it is the Grapes of Wrath. I just can't get through it! I really like John Steinbeck so if I could just read the f'n book I might actually like it but it never holds my attention.

Day 12 – A book you used to love but don’t anymore

I used to really like it (not love) Twilight but now I don't. In fact the more I think about the more annoyed I am by Bella.

I also used to really like the Vampire Diaries series but it keeps getting crazier and crazier (not in a good way in my opinion) and have stopped reading them. I actually like the TV show better than the books (that is saying a lot since I am a book purist).

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In the world on IF today was supposed to be my due date. It sucks.

30 Day Book Challenge - Day 9

Day 09 – A book you thought you wouldn’t like but ended up loving

A couple of years ago I started reading books from the para-normal / sci-fi genre / horror genres.

It started with the Sookie Stackhouse books and since then I have read various para-normal series.

I never expected I would like any books from this genre but I really do :)

Two series that I really like are the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter series (20 books so far) and the Mercy Thompson series (she's a shifter (coyote) ).

30 Day Book Challenge - Day 8

Day 08 – Most overrated book

This is so much easier.

The Time Traveler's Wife, Icy Sparks and House of Sand and Fog.

These books were so hyped up to me and I just did not love them as much as others.

Still blanking on most underrated book. I read lots of crazy super natural books and I don't know if they are underrated or just not the norm so not as mainstream :)

30 Day Book Challenge - Day 7

Day 07 – Most underrated book

Is it bad that I can't think of a book?

I give this some more thought :)

30 Day Book Challenge - Day 6

Day 06 – A book that makes you sad

hmmmm, it doesn't take much, I cry very easily.

I'll go with the following

Sing You Home by Jody Picoult, the story has an IF storyline and the main character has a couple of m/c's (another character also has several m/c's). One of the few books that actually used the right words to describe the IVF process. It was tough getting through the beginning chapters.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by JK Rowling, I start crying when Snape makes the unbreakable vow and never stop. I still remember the first time I read this book, the day it came out. I waited patiently for the mailman to bring it to my door and once I started I didn't stop, I read it in 11 hours, only stopping for food and bathroom. After Snape made the unbreakable vow, I had tears streaming down my face and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. When Dumbledore died I was a mess :( At that point I had so many emotions running through me, the biggest being WHY? Great book :)

30 Day Book Challenge, Day 4 & 5

Day 04 – Favorite book of your favorite series

I'm going to say, and I know that I am in the minority when it comes to HP fans, but my fav is Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. I love this book because Harry finally meets his Godfather and father's best Friend, Sirius Black and his father's other very good friend, Remus Lupin. Through this and the relationships he develops with Sirius and Remus, he learns more about his parents and feel a connection to them through their friends. Harry learns the truth about what happened to his parents and even though Sirius is never truly free Harry and the order know that he never betrayed James and Lily. Remus teaches Harry the Patronus Charm and this is also the book when the Marauder's Map is introduced, I love this map!

Day 05 – A book that makes you happy

Books in general make me happy :)

I don't feel like thinking so I'm going with Confessions of a Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella. Becky Bloomwood is a ridiculous character but she always entertains me. The extremes she goes to when trying to buy clothes and avoid her creditors is so amusing.

30 Day Book Challenge - Day 3

Day 03 – Your favorite series

Well, I love to read and can't choose 1 series so I'll choose 2. Most of you know already that I have issues following rules :)

Series for all ages - of course it's Harry Potter by JK Rowling! I love them! I honestly dream of the day when I can share Harry with my kids and honestly just typing this makes me cry.

Adult Series - the Stephanie Plum Series by Janet Evanovich. These books are fun, quick reads that always make me laugh out loud. Stephanie is just a ridiculous character but so entertaining and I have a huge crush on Ranger :) What can I say, I <3 bad boys.

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I love doing this challenge. I honestly love books and reading. As far as I can remember it has been my escape and during the last 5 years an amazing distraction from our struggles. When I was on bed rest last year after I m/c'ed one of the twins, I read so much. At the time I was smack in the middle of the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter series. It was so nice to worry about her and her crazy life with vampires and were animals instead of what we were dealing with.

When I started this challenge I didn't expect to feel so many emotions because of it. I find myself tearing up as I type. My love of books and reading is one thing I always imagined sharing with our children. I actually planned out which books I would read to them. Now, 1 month from hitting the 5 year TTC mark, I realize it might not ever happen and the overwhelming sadness this gives me takes my breath away.

30 Day Book Challenge, Day 2

Day 02 – A book that you’ve read more than 3 times

So many! I guess I'll go with Charlaine Harris's Dead to the World (4th book of the Southern Vampire Chronicles).

It's such a quick, fun read. This is the book that started my obsession with Eric (I know I am not the only one) and can I just say how annoyed I am at True Blood that they aren't following this book verbatim! Who doesn't love vampire sexy times ;) If you are looking for the perfect beach read pick up this series, you won't be disappointed.

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and can I add, "oh look at me, 2 blog posts in 2 days."

and it looks like we'll be doing fresh cycle in Sept.

Hi & 30 Day Book Challenge, Day 1

Well, not only do I suck at staying pregnant, I also suck at blogging :(

You can see the results of FET#2 to your right but short version is I m/c again. It sucked. I can't even begin to write about all the emotions and hell the weeks after were. I am so tired of losing babies.

Anyway, we'll be doing a fresh cycle soon and adding CGH testing to the mix. Below is my notes from my WTF with RE and RPL.

RE WTF

So we're doing long lupron with CGH testing on day 5, we will transfer 2 of the blasts that are biopsied (the rest will be frozen) so I don't waste a cycle (this makes me feel better in my head). We are biopsying the 2 we transfer because if I m/c again and the blasts are genetically normal we definitely know something else is going on. We will be transferring 2 middle of road embies since we've always transferred perfect expanded blasts and always m/c. This way we'll see if my perfect on paper blasts really are perfect.

So my questions

1. CGH - patients 75% of time get pregnant when viable blasts are transferred

have any done CGH and still m/c? it has happened but only to a couple of patients who had other issues that needed to be addressed

typically what is percentage of abnormal vs. normal? usually out of 10 blasts 3 or 4 are normals. some have more and some have none.

is everything that gets to blast stage tested regardless of quality? typically they only test grade 1 or 2 but will instruct his lab to test everything of mine that gets to expanded blast stage

how long does it take for results to come in? a couple of weeks

Day 3 biopsy vs. Day 5 biopsy - he's been debating the benefits of each with the diff labs he uses and got some very pretty strong data from the lab that will be doing my blasts of benefits of day 5 over day 3. i was never comfortable with day 3 so I'm glad were doing day 5.

2. how many eggs are we shooting for? between 10-20 but thinks we'll get anywhere from 13-15 mature

3. are we going to add blood thinners back to protocol? my RE feels 51% no lovenox but if RPL dr. has compelling argument will defer to him.

Changes we're making

taking prednisone instead of dexamethasone

add 3mg of melatonin before bed and 500mg of inostitol 3x day with meals - he's read a couple studies that show they help improve outcomes of IVF. i also will continue w/ r/x folic acid, royal jelly, coQ-10, b-12, wheat grass, metformin, probiotic and PNV.

i will be stimming with 150 gonal F and 75 menopur. if my AFC is lower than previous cycle he may up stims slightly.

that's it basically. he has been threatened by my nurses (i have 3 that really have my back), that if i don't get pregnant and stay that way they will beat him up :) and i expressed to him how much pressure i'm feeling for this to work. i have 1 more fresh and 1 more frozen left and then it's end of road and he told me money won't be the reason i'm done trying, he will do whatever he can to work with us and we will hit end of road when we're ready but not because of $ <3 him

RPL Dr. WTF
1. Do you think m/c are caused by abnormal embryos? 60% of m/c are caused by abnormal embryos, can't say that he thinks my loses are caused by ab embryos

2. Are we going to add blood thinners back to protocol? Yes, studies show it can aid with implantation and I have factor II. 40 mg starting with stims and weekly b/w to make sure dosage is right. Should I start taking fish oil again? no

3. Should I add any additional supplements to what I am already taking? no, he thinks changes RE made are good

4. When we last spoke you mentioned something about HLA testing and adding neupogen to my protocol. I want to go over this again.

When do you normally add this to protocol? at stims
How does it work? suppresses immune system in diff way than intralipids and steriods
What is the dosage and what type of injection is it (subq or IM)? sub q
Out of pocket cost? about $4000

We discussed this and will not be adding to our fresh cycle. We are sticking with plan I came up with RE and will add lovenox 40mg and will check the anti XA levels weekly. If we get a failure with normal genteics RPL Dr. will consider other treatments.

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DH and I went on our cruise and when we went into our room were greeted with the sweetest and most generous surprise from some of my IF board cuties.

Thanks again cuties
smilee
echloe
edwina.mcdunnough
vanessagorc
babystinkbreath
koyn
*nestingaway*
sourpop
montymrs
genrn45
m&mbride0506

We had a lot of fun, we snorkeled with sting rays and sea turtles :)
We're trying to see if we can fit another vacation in with a cycle at end of summer.

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In an effort to be better at blogging I am doing this 30 Day Book Challenge

I saw babystinkbreath doing this on FB and decided to do it too.

So the days are as follows
Day 01 – Best book you read last year
Day 02 – A book that you’ve read more than 3 times
Day 03 – Your favorite series
Day 04 – Favorite book of your favorite series
Day 05 – A book that makes you happy
Day 06 – A book that makes you sad
Day 07 – Most underrated book
Day 08 – Most overrated book
Day 09 – A book you thought you wouldn’t like but ended up loving
Day 10 – Favorite classic book
Day 11 – A book you hated
Day 12 – A book you used to love but don’t anymore
Day 13 – Your favorite writer
Day 14 – Favorite book of your favorite writer
Day 15 – Favorite male character
Day 16 – Favorite female character
Day 17 – Favorite quote from your favorite book
Day 18 – A book that disappointed you
Day 19 – Favorite book turned into a movie
Day 20 – Favorite romance book
Day 21 – Favorite book from your childhood
Day 22 – Favorite book you own
Day 23 – A book you wanted to read for a long time but still haven’t
Day 24 – A book that you wish more people would’ve read
Day 25 – A character who you can relate to the most
Day 26 – A book that changed your opinion about something
Day 27 – The most surprising plot twist or ending
Day 28 – Favorite title
Day 29 – A book everyone hated but you liked
Day 30 – Your favorite book of all time

I will make every effort to do this every day and actually write on my blog :)

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Day 01 – Best book you read last year

I was going to answer The Help by Kathryn Stockett but I read that in 2009 :) Anyway, after referring to my trusty book list from 2010 I'm going with

Very Valentine by Adriana Trigiani

This is the description from the book jacket

Meet the Roncalli and Angelini families, a vibrant cast of colorful characters who navigate tricky family dynamics with hilarity and brio, from magical Manhattan to the picturesque hills of bella Italia. Very Valentine is the first novel in a trilogy and is sure to be the new favorite of Trigiani’s millions of fans around the world.

In this luscious, contemporary family saga, the Angelini Shoe Company, makers of exquisite wedding shoes since 1903, is one of the last family-owned businesses in Greenwich Village. The company is on the verge of financial collapse. It falls to thirty-three-year old Valentine Roncalli, the talented and determined apprentice to her grandmother, the master artisan Teodora Angelini, to bring the family’s old-world craftsmanship into the twenty-first century and save the company from ruin.

While juggling a budding romance with dashing chef Roman Falconi, her duty to her family, and a design challenge presented by a prestigious department store, Valentine returns to Italy with her grandmother to learn new techniques and seek one-of-a-kind materials for building a pair of glorious shoes to beat their rivals. There, in Tuscany, Naples, and on the Isle of Capri, a family secret is revealed as Valentine discovers her artistic voice and much more, turning her life and the family business upside down in ways she never expected. Very Valentine is a sumptuous treat, a journey of dreams fulfilled, a celebration of love and loss filled with Trigiani’s trademark heart and humor.

I really enjoyed this book. It reminded me so much of my family dynamics and big family dinners. It is well-written and I love the descriptions of the amazing shoes and Capri :)

Infertility A-Z

Borrowed from Jackie's Blog


A - Age at Which you Started TTC: 30

B - Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex

C - Children Wanted: 3

D - Dogs/Cats/Fill In Babies: one dog

E - Essential Oils/Vitamins: royal jelly, probiotic, coQ10, wheat grass pills, PNV's, r/x folic acid

F - Fertility Meds I've Taken: Clomid, Menopur, Gonal F, Lupron, Ovidrel, HCG triggers, PIO in sesame oil, PIO in ethyl oleate, E2V2 supps, crinone, Delestrogen IM injections.

Other meds while cycling, BCP, dexamethasone, baby aspirin, lovenox, cipro and intralipid infusions

G - Gain, What I have Gained from Infertility: 40 lbs and a very strong marriage

H - HSG: Yes, it sucked :(

I - Infertile Pet Peeve: M/C's after finally getting getting that elusive BFP and people just not getting it

J - Job Title: Outreach Coordinator

K - Kids Names you are Afraid will be Taken: none

L - Lengh of Time TTC - this September it will be 5 years

M - Miscarriages: 3

N - Number of Times you have Swiched REs: Once

O - Ovarian Quality: Good, FSH is around 6, not bad for a 35 year old

P - POAS or Wait for AF: Wait for BETA

Q - Quote from an Obnoxious Fertile: Maybe your not meant to be a mom.
Do you really want kids? You can take mine.

S - Sperm: NOA

T - Time you Tried Naturally - one year before going to the RE

U - Uterus Quality: Good

V - Vagina: i got one of those

W - What Baby Stuff do you Already Have: a bib that says my dad rocks

X - Xtra, Xtra, Hear all about it! How many people know about your TTC Journey: Close friends and our families

Y - Yearly Exam: Yes

Z - Zits: sometimes

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Once again I have been MIA. My blog used to be such an outlet for me and now it's not. I really wish I had never shared it with people IRL. I don't feel like I can as open as I want.

Anyway, FET prep is going really well and my lining is looking great.

Very soon our last 2 totsicles will be thawed and hopefully take up permanent residence in my Ute.

I am hopeful.

hi

I feel like my blog is so depressing so I decided to break up the posts with this

What have you done?
Everything I have done is bolded.
Borrowed from my friend Lindsay


1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo (you never want to hear me do this)
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables (does doing it in my parent's garden count?)
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby :(
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

What have you done?

and in case you were wondering still waiting for b/w but started FET prep today

more b/w, still no answers

When we last left theworms in her quest for answers she had more blood drawn and was waiting for more answers.

Where is theworms today? Still waiting for answers :(

So my b/w with the hematologist still can back with my Von Willebrand Factor showing a disproportionate ratio. my blood was then sent to Wisconsin for additional testing.

Because of all this blood weirdness I decided to do a second opinion consult with Dr. Braverman.
I met with Dr. B on 3/8 and it was a really great meeting and he is really intelligent. His main focus is RPL and trying to find the cause and address it.

http://www.reproductiveimmunology.com/

So, I'm paraphrasing a lot but here's some info from my meeting (he was a lot more technical). :)

He doesn't believe that my losses are due to crappy embryos, he say my embryos look good and the way I'm m/c'ing (the spontaneous bleeding) doesn't make him think that the embryos are the problem.

He has 3 theories on why I'm m/c'ing

1. I have this bleeding issue and while it is very rare it, he has seen it before and wants to the see the b/w the hema sent to Wisc. If the b/w work comes back again with the ratio being off he wants to come up with a plan with my hema and RE and this may involve shots or infusions of the factor that is low in my blood.

If I the have two blood issues, my factor II and then the Von Willebrand Defect, they are in a sense opposites and can cancel each other and my tendency to bleed means I should NOT be any blood thinners, no baby aspirin, lovenox and fish oil. He asked me to stop the fish oil and I am. (he gave a very detailed explanation of how each of these thin the blood)

For most ladies with clotting issues, clots form in the placenta and then the fetus doesn't get all the essential stuff it needs to survive and you m/c.

In my case, Dr. B thinks I have the opposite happening. So much blood is rushing to the ute that it is causing me to m/c.

Most people who have this issue get infusions when they experience a significant bleed, in my case, we can't wait for the bleed because it's too late. He wants a plan in place before.

2. Option 2 - I have an undiagnosed immune issue.

He's running his immune testing b/w and if any of it comes back with red flags we'll deal with it then.

3. Option 3 - my PCOS characteristics but not full-fledged PCOS

Quick background - I've been d/x'ed and then taken away and the again and have been on Met but haven't been since April of 2009.

He's running some more b/w. He thinks that I should be on Met. At the very least Met has been shown to prevent m/c. I'm starting Met today.

He used to work with my RE, so he is going to talk to him about next steps. I'm not leaving my RE, I love him and he is willing to do whatever to make sure I stay pregnant.

Dr. B wants me to have constant monitoring and will be tailoring my treatment based on my b/w and how my body is reacting to pregnancy.

I told him that my Hema is at Cornell and they don't buy into most of this immune stuff and he said not to worry about it. He said, I can't tell you how many of my patients cycle at cornell and come to me for immune stuff. I was like, so in a way you're improving their stats w/o their knowledge :)

If you are experiencing RPL and want some answers go to Dr. B. He does phone consults, weekend appts and cycles with patients OOS all the time.

My hema knows to discuss my case with both Dr. B and Dr. T.

and I lef that meeting with hope that I haven't felt in a long time. I felt like my old hopeful self.

So, since that meeting my b/w from Wisc came back with disproportionate ratio but the additional collagen binding tests they ran showed normal targets. So they are at the end of the line with this and have no explanation for my whacko ratios.

Dr. B is going to discuss with hema and check for next steps.

I'm honestly feeling very frustrated with the b/w, WTF!!!!! So there is nothing left to check and it's ok that my VFW has a disproportiate ratio!!!

Anyway, I'm still waiting for Dr. B's immune testing to come back.

My other b/w came back and my fasting insulin, 2 hour glucose, karytyping and nk cells came back normal.

In the meantime I am on BCP for a Frozen Embryo Transfer sometime this Spring.

I also had a hysteroscopy done on 2/28 and a small polyp was removed and they also are checking for any unknown ute infection.

I also had my 2nd opinion consult with CCRM on 2/15. Nothing new or earth-shattering, just suggested doing CGH testing.

So, as my RE says I'm doing some serious base-covering :) If all of this comes to nothing, at least I know I tried everything.

While I was really hopeful after my appt. w/ Dr. B, I'm still scared to death of another m/c.

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I also had an amazing weekend away in AC with some fabulous ladies from my IF message board :)

You know them as *NestingAway*, Ked1068, KOYN and psychmusetls.

I <3 my girls and wish them nothing but happiness, peace and BFsP's!

:(

Sometimes I think I can't possibly have any more tears left. I have cried so much and so hard the last year that my tear ducts have to be dried up, there can not be a drop of water left inside those things.

Yet, somehow, there are always more. They just start to fall; while I'm driving, while I'm sitting at my desk working on an excel document, while taking a shower, while eating lunch, while reminding myself to breathe, while wrapping a gift, while washing a dish.

Sometimes they are silent tears, sometimes accompanied by very loud sobbing, sometimes I have to struggle for air. Sometimes they last for a few minutes, sometimes for a couple of seconds and sometimes it seems like they are never going to stop.

Sometimes it happens a few days in a row and sometimes it will be weeks in between the tears.

All the time, I miss my babies, I wish they were here, I wish I didn't need to see more doctors or come up with another plan or cry any more sad tears.

I just wish this were different. This road has taught me a lot about myself, I am a very strong woman and my marriage is built on real, unconditional love.

It has also taught me that I have a never-ending amount of tears, tears that will someday be tears of joy.

Update

Slowly moving forward.

I met with a Hematologist this past Monday 1/31.

No answers just more questions.

It was a very long appt and very thorough (they asked a million questions.

Anyway, she doesn't think loses are caused by clotting disorder, they tend to happen a couple weeks later then my m/c's but based on my losses and medical history (and family history) she is very concerned by all my bleeding. (in my head I keep repeating the scene from Some.thing about Ma.ry, when Ben Still.er's character gets his "franks and beans" caught in his zipper and the paramedics say, "we've got a bleeder!)

She wants to figure it out, it's a bunch of little things that could lead to a bigger thing or maybe nothing (whatever that means). The Dr. and resident both asked if I had any Jewish ancestry and I don't to my knowledge.

I had 9 more vials of blood drawn and they are doing more intensive b/w. I go back in 2 weeks to go over results.

I also had nk cells, fasting insulin and 2 hour glucose drawn this past Saturday 1/29. And, karyotyping b/w drawn on Monday 1/24. My arms are tired from giving blood and they have some lovely bruising.

So, all this could lead to nothing but at least I'm trying covering all my bases.


*************

I never posted after our last first u/s and miscarriage. I was not in a good place since it turned around so quickly but I want to have a record of everything so I'm posting now.

Many of you "know" me from an infertility message board I post on and some of this is repeats from posts during my last pregnancy.

This year when D and I celebrated our 35th birthdays, I was pregnant, we were so happy. I spent my 35th birthday getting 2nd intralipid infusion. After my infusion, my friend, KOYN, met up with me and bought me lunch, a crumbs cupcake and even brought candles and matches to sing to me. It was a great afternoon :)

D and I went shopping and ate dinner and then watched our favorite winter show the Sing Off ;) I felt so blessed to be 35 days pregnant on my 35th birthday.

Friday, December 10th, was our twins due date. It was a rough day, I cried and missed my little ones but also felt hopeful because we were expecting again.

On Saturday and Sunday, December 11 and 12th, I has some pinkish/reddish CM on the toilet paper and some red flecks in the bowl. I called my nurse and she said it was normal and to rest and try to keep feet up. It lasted all weekend on and off.

On Monday, December 13th D and I went to RE's for our first u/s. Our appt was the last one of the day and my 2 fav nurses wanted to both be in room so RE didn't start u/s until around 5:15.

So, I have vaj cam inside and D can see screen and I can't and RE is moving stuff around and says here's the sac. He then turns screen around and we're all looking at the little worm on the screen and then a few seconds later, the HB starts flickering. RE was like, wow, the HB just started :) We continued to stare in disbelief and were in shock. It seemed to pick up speed the longer we looked at it :)

We are so happy. We were not expecting to see any HB at 6weeks.

RE said the spotting is normal and as long as it doesn't worsen or turn red it's fine. He also said that the dildo cam didn't have any blood on it. I'm to call if it gets worse. RE said seeing HB so early is a positive sign and not to stress about the spotting.

He told me to go back in 2 weeks and if all goes well, I would be released to OB.

When we were done, D shook RE's hand and all teary-eyed thanked him for all he'd done for us. I felt so happy and so much love my wormy and my baby wormy :)

We were so happy, we had about 5 hours of complete and total joy and then our world came crashing down. I started bleeding a lot, clots, filling pads, etc. I emailed RE that night and he responding immediately and said to go in first thing.

At the u/s the next morning the baby was gone. We were all in shock and my RE had no clue what to say or do. He kept saying it turned around so quickly and that I bleed so much and so quickly.

D and I left in shock and I pretty much lost it in the car on the ride home.

As you can imagine we were just heart-broken. I still don't get it. It was just cruel to show us the heartbeat and then 5 hours later take it away.

I will never understand why it has to be so hard for some of us and so easy for others.

We have a plan :)

D and I had our WTF phone consult this morning and after asking my million questions we have a plan. I love a plan :)

Here are our next steps

- I will have karyotyping done

- I will have nk cells tested

- Repeat hysteroscopy after I get AF (he will also do a biopsy to make sure there are no underlying infections)

- I will be doing fasting insulin b/w and 2 hour glucose tolerance b/w and depending on the results may start metformin again (long story, back in 2005/2006 my NP d/x'ed me PCOS and put me on Metformin. when i went to cornell 2008, my RE said i don't think you have PCOS and you can stay on Met while you cycle or stop it (i also did testing above for it). i stayed on it through our failed IVF w/mTESE and stopped it in 2009.

when i switched to current RE i discussed it with him and he said i exhibit some symptoms but not enough to be on Met. in an effort to cover all my bases and because studies say Met helps prevent m/c i asked about it again. he said he wants me to do the fasting insulin and 2 hour glucose tolerance test and then we'll talk. so, again it's because i want to try everything)

- We'll be doing FET in the Spring with our last 2 embies, we'll adjust lovenox dosage and start date after I meet with hematologist and get her input. I will also be switching to prednisone instead of dexamethazone. I will continue to do intralipids (65 bucks an infusion seems worth it to me).

- We need to figure out the sweet spot in terms of my clotting and bleeding issues and blood thinner dosage, we're hoping the hematologist can help with this. He would like to find a medium between thin and not too thin because of my bleeding issues. He thinks that I may be someone who rapidly develops SCH's that burst and they then cause m/c.

- When asked about cause of m/c (genetically abnormal embies or clotting disorder), he said it's usually the embryo but with my history of bleeding, he wants to make sure it's not the clotting issue and is glad I'm getting another opinion from a Hematologist.

- When my FET results in a BFP (positive thinking) I will be monitored very closely, with lots of u/s, he wants to make sure that I don't develop any SCH and at the first sign of spotting I need to go in and they will run b/w and do u/s.

- If we do a fresh cycle in the future we will use the IVF protocol we did with IVF#1. I had more mature eggs and responded better to it. We will also add CGH testing and only transfer back genetically viable embryos. Here's some info about it.

At my clinic they biopsy on day 3 (not PGD) and then transfer only normal blasts on day 5. Since embryos that are biopsied on day 3 can also self-correct (after being found to be abnormal) and become perfect blasts on day 5, they will do another biopsy and then freeze those blasts and wait for testing to come back several weeks later to determine if they are genetically normal or not.

- As I mentioned I am seeing a Hematologist on 1/31 and will have 2nd opinion consult with CCRM on 2/14.

- I also discussed getting another opinion with Dr. B. He said DR. B is amazing and very intelligent and to go ahead w/ 2nd opinion and if there is something Dr. B wants to try and I want to do it, he will coordinate with him and add it to my protocol. He also said that Dr. B is more experimental than he is and while a lot of the treatments are very promising and have helped many of his patients they haven't been studied for a long time. http://www.reproductiveimmunology.com/

I think I will do the 2nd opinion, I want to leave no stone unturned.

My TSH levels are normal and my FSH is good.

D and I are both very happy with our discussion and have agreed with our RE's ideas and next steps. D was like, I really like him, he gives it to you straight. I know, I <3 him. Within 40 minutes of our talk I had the b/w orders in my inbox. I'll be visiting qu.est soon.

So, we're slowly moving forward and hoping and praying this next FET will finally be our take home baby.

Anyway, I hope this makes sense and thanks again for all your support, we both appreciate it.

In other exciting news, I'm meeting a few of my fav ladies from my IF board in AC!!

I get to combine to things I love, my nesties and penny slots :)

I'll try to be a better blogger.

Happy New Year

I am so excited for the start of a new year and new decade.

I really hope this is FINALLY the year we have a take home baby.

I am tired of crying and thinking about what should have been. I just want some answers and a plan. Our WTF is on 1/19 and I've emailed my RE the longest list of questions. I'm also going to see a hematologist that works with lots of IVF patients with clotting disorders. I'm thinking of getting another opinion from CCRM to see if they have anything to add to the mix. Did I mention I want some answers? and a plan for moving forward? and to never have another m/c again, please.

Wishing you a Happy 2011, may it only be filled with happy tears and sticky BFP's.

****************************

Goals for 2011

1. Get Pregnant, Stay Pregnant and bring home a healthy baby(ies)
2. Eat better, lose some weight
3. Sell our Co-Op
4. By a house
5. Read 65 books
6. Go on a babymoon

******************************

I beat my goal of 65 book in 2010 :) List below.

65 Books in 2010

1. Grave Secret by Charlaine Harris
2. Betrayed by P.C. Cast
3. Undead and Unappreciated by MaryJanice Davidson
4. hush, hush by Becca Fitzpatrick
5. Blue Moon by Laurell K. Hamilton (AB #8)
6. Chosen by P.C. Cast
7. Say When by Elizabeth Berg
8. Untamed by P.C. Cast
9. An Echo In The Bone by Diana Gabaldon
10. Undead and Unreturnable by MaryJanice Davidson
11. No One You Know by Michelle Richmond
12. Hunted by P.C. Cast
13. Tempted by P.C. Cast
14. A Rogue of My Own by Johanna Lindsey
15. How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life by Kaavya Viswanathan
16. Very Valentine by Adriana Trigiani
17. Immediate Family by Eileen Goudge
18. The Trials of the Honorable F. Darcy by Sara Angelini
19. There's Something About St. Tropez by Elizabeth Adler
20. Obsidian Butterfly by Laurell K. Hamilton (AB#9)
21. Undead and Unpopular by MaryJanice Davidson
22. Narcissus in Chains by Laurell K. Hamilton (AB #10)
23. Heart of the Matter by Emily Giffin
24. Cerulean Sins by Laurell K. Hamilton (AB#11)
25. Dead in the Family by Charlaine Harris (Sookie #10)
26. Incubus Dreams by Laurell K. Hamilton (AB#12)
27. Savor the Moment by Nora Roberts
28. The Vampire Diaries, The Return: Shadow Souls by L.J. Smith
29. Micah by Laurell K. Hamilton (AB#13)
30. One for the Money by Janet Evanovich
31. Danse Macabre by Laurell K. Hamilton (AB#14)
32. The Harlequin by Laurell K. Hamilton (AB#15)
33. Blood Noir by Laurell K. Hamilton (AB#16)
34. Skin Trade by Laurell K. Hamilton (AB#17)
35. Two For The Dough by Janet Evanovich
36. Silver Borne by Patricia Briggs (Mercy Thompson #5)
37. Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead
38. Flirt by Laurell K. Hamilton (AB#18)
39. Frost Bite by Richelle Mead
40. Wedding Season by Katie Fforde
41. Shadow Kiss by Richelle Mead
42. Frommer's Cruises & Ports of Call 2010
43. Brava, Valentine by Adriana Trigiani
44. Winter Garden by Kristin Hannah
45. Remember Me? by Sophie Kinsella
46. That Perfect Someone by Johanna Lindsey
47. Blood Promise by Richelle Mead
48. Bullet by Laurell K. Hamilton (AB#19)
49. It all Began in Monte Carlo by Elizabeth Adler
50. Spirit Bound by Richelle Mead
51. Death Takes a Vacation edited by Charlaine Harris
52. The Fixer Upper by Mary Kay Andrews
53. Promises to Keep by Jane Green
54. Undead and Unworthy by MaryJanice Davidson
55. Sorcery and the Single Girl &
56. Magic and the Modern Girl by Mindy Klasky
57. The Trouble With Magic &
58. A Charmed Death by Madeline Alt
59. Pretty Little Liars,
60. Flawless &
61. Perfect by Sara Shepard
62. Undead and Unwelcome by MaryJanice Davidson
63. Three to Get Deadly,
64. Four to Score,
65. High Five,
66. Hot Six,
67. Seven Up,
68. Hard Eight,
69. Visions of Sugar Plums,
70. To the Nines,
71. Ten Big Ones,
72. Eleven on Top,
73. Twelve Sharp,
74. Plum Lovin',
75. Lean Mean Thirteen,
76. Plum Lucky,
77. Fearless Fourteen,
78. Plum Spooky,
79. Finger Lickin' Fifteen by Janet Evanovich
80. Evermore &
81. Blue Moon by Alyson Noel
82. Unbelievable by Sara Shepard
83. Sizzling Sixteen by Janet Evanovich
84. Fly Away Home by Jennifer Weiner
85. Shadowland by Alyson Noel
86. Happy Ever After by Nora Roberts
86. Dark Flame by Alyson Noel
87. Last Sacrifice by Richelle Mead
88. Twelve Days of Christmas by Trisha Ashley

As I mentioned, my goal for 2011 is 65 books. I decided to not up the amount because I plan on getting pregnant and bringing home a baby(ies), so I won't have time to read as many books (I believe in the power of positive thinking).

This time next year we will be in a better place.