ICLW & Christmas Meme

Welcome ICLW'ers! Wishing you all Happy Holidays and all your wishes come true.

Our journey is to your right.

I am currently 4dpIUI and D and I are hoping, wishing and praying for a New Year's BFP.

This is my favorite time of the year and so I decided to borrow this Christmas Meme from Raining, Raining, Thanks :)

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?

wrapping paper - I love to wrap and make each gift special and it's own work of art :)

2. Real tree or Artificial?

real - I love the smell but we have a fake :(

3. When do you put up the tree?

usually first week of December but as of right now my tree is not up and it upsets me so much.

4. When do you take the tree down?

after Three Kings Day (1/6)

5. Do you like eggnog?

no, it is GROSS!!!

6. Favorite gift received as a child?

hmmm, I guess it was a cabbage patch kid :)

7. Hardest person to buy for?

I guess my mom and dad, they never like anything.

8. Easiest person to buy for?

my DH

9. Do you have a nativity scene?

Yes

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?

mail, I love to send cards and receive them. here's my Oreo pic this year :)

11. Worst Christmas ever?

I don't know, I don't think I've had a really bad Christmas but last year's was a cryfest.

if you want to read all about it click here

12. Favorite Christmas Movie(s)? "Elf", "A Charlie Brown Christmas" "The Holiday" "Love Actually", and March of the Wooden Soldiers

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? around Thanksgiving

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes :(

15 .Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? everything :)

16. Lights on the tree? of course and they are white

17. Favorite Christmas song? We Three Kings, Joy to the World, O Night Divine, Hark the Herald Angels Sing, White Christmas and Domenic the Donkey

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? travel

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? of course

20. What is the weather usually like where you live on Christmas? Cold and sometimes it snows :)

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas morning

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? trying to find parking at the mall

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? I love ornaments :) My fav is our first married Christmas ornaments

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? It changes but always includes some sort of pasta :)

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? a sticky BFP

I've been gizzed (again)

On a bright and cold Saturday morning (yesterday)just before a huge snowstorm D and I went into NYC for our second IUI.

I triggered with 4 follies and our sample, according to lab, was more than adequate and I have 45 million swimmers trying to hit those targets.

I was so glad D came with me, it was nice and after IUI we prayed for this to work. We've been praying ever since and D keeps kissing my belly. He keeps saying please God no more than 2 :)

My Dr. was so sweet and said he hopes we have a miraculous Christmas.

EEK!

Praying 2010 brings us one or two wonderful surprises.

OMG!!!

4 follies!

I had cd10 b/w u/s today and I have 4 follies!

2 on right (15, 17) and 2 on left (15, 17). OMG!

I'm triggering tomorrow night and IUI will be on Sat. We're using 2 vials this go around to get more swimmers in there.

HOLY CRAP! More eggs, more swimmers I hope equals a BFsP! (s is for sticky)

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My IF board recently adopted a board mascot - the Emperor Penguin. We have pics of penguins all over our siggies and send each other Penguin Power Vibes. So far the penguins have been doing a good job, I hope they help bring some lovely ladies and their DH's some Christmas Miracles.

Why the Emperor Penguin? They have a long, difficult journey to have a baby like many of us who deal with IF. I think it's appropriate :)

Here's a pic

aren't they so cute?

In other news, I've completed my 90th book :) I'm really going to try to get to 100.

This is my favorite time of the year and I need to step back and try to enjoy it. I always stress myself out to make everything perfect. Once again I have waited to the last minute to start shopping and I haven't put up my Christmas Tree :(

I am going to be scrabbling next week and I will most likely lose my mind. In between all the craziness I hope this season of miracles allows D and I to finish this craptastic year with a miracle of our own.

Pity Party Over

Feeling better now. This weekend was tough but now I'm ready for try number 2.

Tomorrow is cd3 b/w u/s and I'm assuming that I am starting clo.mid tomorrow night. I hate bloody visits with the vaj cam, so gross. I just hope ovaries are looking pretty. I've deforested and am ready to go.

For this try I am going to try to not stress and just go with the flow. We'll see how long that lasts :) I feel better about everything since I've been through it once and if we get a BFN I don't think I would have the same crazy, depressing reaction.

In other news, I am on book #87. I don't think I will make my 3rd goal of 100 books but I'm going to try. I started out with a goal of 50, then jumped to 70 and then decided why not 100. I think I got a little over-ambitious. Maybe if I read a bunch of really short books :) Is that cheating?

Not Pregnant

Of course I'm not pregnant, why would this actually work.

D's birthday sucked, we spent most of the day crying since I couldn't hold it together for this b-day. I ruined my worms' 34th birthday. I was so hopeful, I even bought did a Happy Birthday Daddy card and an I <3 Daddy bib. I am such a fool. I now have those items hidden somewhere deep in our apt. and I hope he never finds them.

What did I do? Who did I piss off? Why can't we just be parents?

I turn 34 today and all can think is why? Why?!!!!

4 birthdays with out a baby or the possibility of one.

Happy Birthday to me,
more like Crappy Birthday to me.

"twas the night before beta

and all through the house, I am freaking out!

Praying we've got a little worm in there.

I've had various symptoms but most of them can be attributed to the crinone.

Please God, let this work!

Tomorrow is also Mr. Worms' b-day and he has no idea about the beta - if it's positive it will be an amazing present.

Please send us all the positive +++++ vibes and prayers you can.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wishing you and your loved ones a very happy day, I hope it's filled with lots of great company, yummy food and sticky BFP'S!

I've been cooking since last night but I love Thanksgiving. The time from Thanksgiving to Christmas is my favorite time of year. I love to buy presents, cook food, spend time with people I love and catch up with people I only see during the holidays. I love taking my furbaby pic for my Christmas card and sending it out. I love putting up my tree and the smell of Christmas.

This year is a little different. This may be the year I am actually KU for the holidays. I have spent the last 3 Christmas's with out a baby or potential for one and this year I could have a little one growing inside of me as I type. Today I am 6dpo and I am holding on to hope for a Christmas miracle.

So enjoy your day, eats lots of food, watch the parade and football and give thanks for all the blessings you have. I would like to give thanks for you my blog reader - Thank you for joining me on this ride and supporting me and commenting, it really does mean the world to me.

the gizz is in and ICLW

Today was our first dIUI and it went pretty smoothly. I now have 16 million swimmers inside me. EEEK!

As I mentioned in my last post I was starting 50mg of clomid for 5 days. When I went for u/s on Wed. afternoon I had a 21mm follie on my right. I triggered with Ovridel (sp?) and then went this morning for dIUI.

I am also starting crin.one tomorrow evening when I go to bed - oh the fun of making a baby.

It's been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions for me and D. We're scared, excited, anxious, sad and happy. The last couple of days we felt like we were really closing the door on a biological child and while we knew this was coming it was like the wound was re-opened. We had a few long talks and cried and laughed and prayed and know we want to move forward and start our family.

So please send my ute some great vibes - I hope those swimmers hit the mark and we have a little wormy in 9 months.

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Welcome ICLW'ers! Our Journey is to your right =)
Since I did ABC's last ICLW, I'm doing Loves and Hates this month.

LOVES -
music (all kinds), dancing, reading, gambling, babies, puppies, pretty much all animals, crazy socks, potatoes - any way you can make 'em, I'll eat 'em, the dark, thunderstorms, the smell of the ocean, Hawaii, Italy, eating, god.iva milkchocolate, lind.t chocolate balls, unconditional love, Mr. Worms and my furbaby

HATES -
fake people, dishonesty, organ meats :(, infertility, unexplained NOA, close talkers, doing dishes, artificial light, the smell of skunks and close-mindedness.

Thanks for stopping by and feel free to share a Love and a Hate when you comment.

How could righty go so wrong?

I'm embarrassed to admit that I was a mess for the last couple of hours because my righty went so wrong.

My follie did not grow at all, it's still at 15mm - so it's crap and now I'm starting clomid - tonite. I was so not prepared to hear this news. Everything had been going so well and then this. I know that I O later than normal, cd 17 usually and that I have slightly elevated androgens but I didn't think that my follie was crap but that is what it is.

I'm starting clomid tonite, for 5 nights and I go back on Wednesday for another u/s. Since I was so surprised I didn't ask any questions, I don't know what to expect or s/e or anything.

I spent the whole express bus ride home crying (the other riders must have thought I was crazy). When I got home I started sobbing.

I know I sound like an annoying, whiny bitch but I just wanted this to work so bad. After 3 years I just wanted something to work right, you know.

Now that I have calmed down I can laugh at how crazy I was behaving. D was a great comfort when he got home.

I think it was especially awful to hear because my cousin and his wife welcomed their second child into the world today. I am so happy for them but it just reminds me that we still don't have child #1. My cousin got married a month before D and I did and his parents constantly compare us and my parents have to sit through grand kid stories. I know this hurts my parents, especially my dad, who has taken to telling stories about my dog to compete with the grand kids stories.

I really wanted a Thanksgiving BFP for D and I and I wanted to tell my parents at Christmas. Well, so much for plans. Maybe we'll get a BFP as a birthday present :) (we're both born in early Dec.)

Despite the crap day I am thankful for everything in my life, especially D, he is the best man I have ever known. No matter what I have to go through it will never compare to everything he went through for our family.

I'm back and I feel liberated!!

So, my last apology for being a bad blogger. I haven't felt free on my blog for the last couple of months. I had shared my blog with some close friends and family when we were going through IVF with the hopes that it would work and then this could turn into a pregnancy blog. Well, we all know how that turned out. I have left limited with what I could post since then because I knew some of them were reading it. While I share a lot of what we are going through with my close friends and fam I want to share it when I am ready to and not via my blog. I missed the anonymity of my blog so I decided to change my URL and now they don't have it :)

I apologize if you have trouble finding me for a while but I am liberated!! I can say what I want and share what I want with who I want when I want :) If you are a follower of my blog then it will just be there in the blogs you follow. I've also sent emails out to my online friends from various message boards about the URL change.

Now for some updates :)

D-IUI is on!!!

I got my period on the afternoon of Friday, 10/30 and nurse counts Saturday as cd1 and I went for cd3 b/w u/s on Monday 11/2. I'm saying it was cd3.5.

It was the strangest waiting room experience I have ever had. Everyone was talking! the receptionist and patients were all TALKING to each other!!! I was in shock. At Cor.nell no one talked! It was odd for especially b/c they were talking about kids and halloween and I don't have any kids and I think the one other couple in the room didn't either since they were not talking like me. I just felt really strange. I've never had a conversation with anyone in a RE's waiting room before.

Anyway, u/s was good (I hate day 3 vaj cam visits, it is so messy). I have lots of follies on both ovaries and my largest is 7mm. I really like that I get to see my RE each time I go.

I went back for cd 10.5 b/w u/s on Monday and it went well. And I have a 15mm follie on my right ovary (go righty!). RE said everything is progressing nicely. I am doing a natural cycle IUI. I go back tomorrow for hopefully my last follie check.

We're both really excited to be moving forward but I am feeling a lot of pressure b/c it's all me, does that make sense? I'm getting so anxious for my appts. and have lots of stupid physical symptoms b/c of it. On Monday I had a non-stop eye-twitch, felt like puking and gave myself a pain in the neck. Need to keep saying serenity prayer :)

Praying this cycle works! Thanks for all the support.

and GO RIGHTY!!!

Cel-A-Brate Good Times, Come on!

On Thursday October 22nd, The Worms celebrated our 4th Anniversary!

It was a great day and I love D more than ever. He is the most amazing, kind, giving, sweet, funny, crazy husband in the world. I could not have asked for a better partner.

Here's a pic from our big day :) It was an amazing day.

D gave me the most sweetest cards and here is an excerpt of what he wrote (it made me cry)

I pray every day that we get to raise a family together and our kids get to see what true love is.

and

may we be blessed with a baby for our 5th anniversary, may our life be filled with joy and our house filled with dirty diapers and we'll live happily ever after.

He is just the best man ever!

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Not much else to report. Waiting for period to show up. Hopefully tomorrow.

Work has been nutty but thankfully will start to slow down a little.

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Lots of ups and down on my IF board and it breaks my heart to see women I care about go through loss after loss and beta hell and anxiety and fear and multiple m/c's or chemicals. It just fucken sucks.

Once you finally get knocked the fuck up, after years of trying, countless treatments, $ spent - that should be it! Free Pass to healthy and happy 9 months and your baby. The unfairness of it all just drives me BAT-SHIT-CRAZY!!!

Ok, I'm going to calm down now b/c I can't cry anymore angry tears.

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I need to get back on the weight watchers saddle again, I gained back 5 lbs and I want to scream. Tomorrow is my week start date so I'll be counting point again.

Thanks for stopping by.

Welcome ICLW'ers

Thanks for stopping by and visiting. Our TTC history is to your right :)

I've visited a few blogs that do the ABC getting-to-know-you thing so I decided to join in.

A = arid, I get dry skin in the winter
B= baby, what we want more than anything :)
C = conditioner, I use a LOT, usually 3 different kinds (I have long, thick hair)
D = D, my Mr. Worm and the best partner anyone could ask for
E = entertaining, I love to entertain and make people laugh
F = faith, I have a ridiculous amount of faith that in the end this pain and IF hell will be worth it
G = Gum, I don't love to chew it, I prefer mints, cinnamon ones
H = hotels, I love to be on vacation
I = Infertility, it sucks
J = jelly, what D loves to put all over toast, I prefer butter
K = kangaroo, I hope I have a baby in my pouch soon
L = laugh, I love to laugh and have a very loud laugh, D says that people don't laugh at movies or TV when I am around, they laugh at me laughing b/c I am so loud
M = mac and cheese, I love it
N = Non-Obstructive Azoo, our DX
O = orange juice, I don't like it
P = pizza, I love it and just ate some for lunch
Q = quiet, I love to be alone and I enjoy silence
R = reading, I love to read, please rec. your fav. books, I need about 25 more to get to 100 books this year
S = steak, I love me a grilled NY strip :)
T = time, I value my time and get frustrated when people are late
U = umbrella, I always lose them so even when it's raining a lot, I never have one
V = vent, what I'm usually doing on this blog
W = welcoming, I am very welcoming and want people to always feel included
X = xerox, I hate to make copies and I hate co-workers who copy my ideas and don't give me credit
Y = Yorkshire Terrier, my furbaby is part yorkie, part shih tzu, all cuteness
Z = zucchini, I love it, grilled, fried, in a stir fry, yum!

Thanks for reading. Feel free to pick a letter and tell me a little about yourself if you comment.

Waving Hi :)

Well, the week following my HSG from hell was pretty crappy :( I had lots of cramping and spotting that finally went away last weekend. I was also having awful headaches. SO glad that it's done! I spoke to my nurse about the experience and she apologized. She said that they don't have the equipment to do HSG in office and that is the hospital that they are affiliated with. Anyway she gave me the definitive all clear and some cd3 b/w specifics

FSH = 4.3
E2 = great (low, but nurse didn't have # in front of her)
Prolactin Levels = good
Ovarian Reserve = great

so much for specifics ;) My nurse is super sweet but a little frazzled sometimes. She didn't have the paperwork in front of her but she had emailed me my FSH earlier so that is why I know the #.

Anyway waiting for some flow and then I call her and we start the monitoring. I will be doing a natural cycle but they will be monitoring my O.
__________

Also, I have been given a couple of awards :)

Melissa from Banking on It and Melissa from Melissa's Thoughts and Realizations have both, so sweetly, awarded me with the

The Survey~ (only 1 word answers)

1. Where is your cell phone? table
2. Your hair? dirty
3. Your mother? Crazy :)
4. Your father? generous
5. Your favorite food? Italian
6. Your dream last night? none
7. Your favorite drink? water
8. Your dream/goal? parenthood
9. What room are you in? Living
10. Your hobby? Reading
11. Your fear? Cancer
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Mother
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? thin
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. Wish list item? house
17. Where did you grow up? NY
18. Last thing you did? type
19. What are you wearing? jammies
20. Your TV? huge
21. Your pets? cute
22. Friends? The best
23. Your life? Changing
24. Your mood? happy
25. Missing someone? Nonna
26. Vehicle? 5
27. Something you’re not wearing? Bra :)
28. Your favorite store? Macy*s
29. Your favorite color? Deep Red
30. When was the last time you laughed? 6pm
31. Last time you cried? Tuesday
32. Your best friend? Wormy
33. One place that I go to over and over? nest
34. One person who emails me regularly? macys.com

35. Favorite place to eat? Mom’s

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Hopefully, in the next week I will upload my vacation pics and share some with you.

And, please give me some book recs - I desperately need suggestions - I want to reach my new goal of 100 book in 2009.

CD3 b/w and HSG = Done

I went for CD3 b/w last week and my nurse said that everything looked good (I'm waiting for some specifics #'s).

My RE doesn't do HSG's in the office so I got referred to a nearby hospital to get it done and I went yesterday and it was just pure crap.

Let me just say that I also have a severe shellfish allergy and the dye used in the test mimics the dye found in shellfish so I had to take meds prior to the test to prevent allergic reaction. I had to take 32mg of medrol at 1am and then another 32 mg at 11am and then the HSG was at 1pm. The meds gave me a headache and weird taste in my mouth.

So it takes the Dr. 3 tries to get catheter in cervix and the 3rd time he said it's only going in 1/2 way I'm going to try to see if this works, well when he shot the dye the catheter popped out - great move D-bag. So then they re-position me and try again and this time it goes in all the way. In between each try to insert the catheter he used some plastic tool to try to open up my cervix - it was irritating and annoying. He also kept asking for more dye - 2 times - I'm like how much dyes this asss*ss need. I heard the nurse tell him usually it only takes 10,000 cc's or something and he used 30,000.

He does test which was annoying and gave me a lot of pressure and then towards the end I got very nauseous and light-headed. Once test was done and everything was removed I felt somewhat better. Eventually room stopped spinning and I got to leave. I am was also bleeding a lot - nurse warned me after he left that I would be since he irritated the hell out of my cervix.

All day yesterday I felt light-headed and nauseous and am still feeling some cramping/pressure today.

I really think that my HSG was bad because

1 - he didn't know WTF he was doing! I've had other tests done with catheters in cervix and have never had trouble inserting into it before and have never felt pain before

2 - they didn't have stirrups! I had to stay with my legs spread open for 45 minutes and it was so uncomfortable and I kept worrying I was going to kick him (he deserved it). I also think this is why it was so hard to get catheter in my cervix, I wasn't positioned properly.

so, bottom line, he said I am all clear. The actual test part is ok, lots of pressure and cramping and then it's over. I am telling my RE's office not to send people there anymore.

Now we wait for AF to arrive, which hopefully will be last week of October and then we can get down to business.

I have been back and forth a lot about when to start and scared about d-iui and D has been kinda hesitant too. But in the last couple of weeks we both have gotten really excited to be moving forward. When I asked if we could cycle this month and my nurse said we had to wait for next period, I actually felt a little sad.

We're really glad we have this opportunity to be parents.

Seriously, someone spank me

I've been such a bad blogger.

I promise to do better. I realize I keep saying this but I am really going to try.


Well, we're back from vacation and it was so amazing!!! We relaxed, re-connected, gambled, ate (a LOT) and got a tan :) Unfortunately, our tans have faded pretty quickly. (if you've been on a cruise then you know that they are constantly taking your picture and on our last night D and I put all the pics in order and admired the progression of our tans)


We left NYC on 9/4 and landed in LALA-Land, where we spent the night with some wonderful friends who live in Santa Monica. They are expecting their first son in January and it was so nice to get to see my friend with her little baby bump.


We stayed in San Pedro (near the cruise terminal) on 9/5 and ate some yummy Mexican Food and took a free shuttle to the boat.


We boarded our cruise on 9/6 and we loved every second of it! We were really hesitant about our 7 night cruise because we didn't know how we would feel being on a boat for so long and we were pleasantly surprised at how much fun we had. We took Ro.yal Carib.bean's Mari.ner of the Se.as and had a 8th deck stateroom with a balcony. We really liked our room, it was bigger than our last cruise and I don't think we can ever go back to cruising with out a balcony :)

Our cruise stopped in Cabo San Lucas, Mazatlan and Puerto Vallarta. In Cabo, DH and I took a Snorkel Cruise. The cruise took us past the famous Arch, sea lions, Lovers Beach and Pelican Rock. We then went snorkeling at Chileno Reef and it was a lot of fun. After our excursion we walked to the Ca.bo Wa.bo Cantina and grabbed a light snack and some drinks. We also did some shopping :)

On our stop in Mazatlan we did a tour of the city, we saw the lighthouse, a 19th Century Cathedral, cliff divers and a show featuring various folk dancers. We also did some shopping :)

Puerto Vallarta was our fav stop!!! It was so beautiful and every time someone said Puerto Vallarta I sang the lo.ve bo.at them song :) We took a catamaran to Majahuitas and went snorkeling and the fish were amazing. Once I develop my underwater camera, I'll post some pics. After snorkeling, we sailed to Yelapa and hung out on the beach. Once we got back to port DH and I took a taxi into town and walked along el Malecon and of course, did some shopping :)

Our days on the boat were great too. We played bingo, laid out by the pool, took a waltz class (where I won a lovely gold metal for being a first-class ass shaker), ate, read, sat on our balcony and of course, did some shopping :)

On our way to Mex.ico we saw some whales hanging out, blowing water out of their blow holes and turning over. I think they were blue whales. On our way back to LA we saw dolphins flipping through the water and playing with each other. It was awesome.

We were so sad to leave our cruise, we really wanted it to never end. Once we got back to LA, we spent another night with our awesome friends. And then on 14th we flew out to VEGAS!

We had a great time in VEGAS!!!! We stayed at the Par.is and had a really great room (hey, it was free, can't get better than that). We gambled and lost but thankfully came home with some $. We also ate at some great restaurants and had to go to Margar.itaville, where we ate the yummy delicious vol.cano nachos :)' Thankfully I only gained 3 lbs. on vacation.

We finally got home last weekend and I have been back at work now for over a week and D had another week at home :( I was so jealous D was still home that I called out on Friday so we could spend the day together. We had such a great vacation, it was so nice to get out of our space and to just be happy and carefree. I did miss my fur-monster so much, I need to plan our next vacation so that it is pet friendly :)

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So, now to what's going on with us. We've decided to get this whole d-iui show on the road this fall. My AF showed up yesterday (sadly, no miracle, vacation, break cycle BFP) and I called my nurse today. I have cd3 b/w tomorrow and then my HSG on Monday.

Hopefully, if we get an all clear, we can start this cycle if not, then next. I can't believe we are here. I'm glad that we have this amazing opportunity to be parents but it still boggles my mind that we are here.

If all goes well we hope to finally spend the holidays with a bun in the oven ;)

Another cool thing that happened is my residency requirement for work finally got lifted so we will be looking at houses soon :) We can finally get out of this co-op and start over somewhere new.

It's been a while :(

Sorry for being such a bad blogger :( Will try to be better.

A couple of updates -

On Wed. I had my appt. with my new RE. It went really well :)

I went into office and the nurse immediately says to me I knew I knew you (not the words you want to hear when walking into RE's office). Anyway, turns out she's my old co-workers wife and we had met a couple of years ago. She stresses to me not to worry she will not mention anything to husband, she respects all patients confidentiality and that if I need anything or have any questions do not hesitate to call her. She was really nice but it did freak me out.

Anyway the Dr. came out to get me and he was very easy-going and we get into his office and gets my chart and asks me to give him history and I lose it :( I am the biggest crier ever! I went over everything DH has been through and why we're leaving cor.nell. I apologized for crying but he told me not to worry we'd been through a lot and handed me lots of tissues.

We talked about next steps. I don't need to do any b/w since had cd3 in March and everything looks good accept my androgens are slightly elevated and I have a mild case of PCOS. I O on my own but around cd 17-20 and that is the reason why I O later. I don't need to take anything, he just wants to monitor my O closely. I need to have HSG done.

Since my period is MIA – it isn’t happening before vacation and will have to wait until next cycle

I will be doing natural d-iui's at first. He will be monitoring me from cd 8 b/c he wants to see quality of egg and then decide if necessary if I need meds for future cycles.

I met my nurse, who was the original person I first spoke to when I called back in July and she is so sweet. She gave me next steps and her email and told me not to worry about anything and if I have any questions/concerns to email her even on weekends.

I also met with insurance coordinator who told me my coverage and said everything was all set :) I have unlimited iui's and don't need pre-approval so that's cool.
We talked about ds getting to them and I may need to do d-iui's in city b/c they aren't there on weekends.

If I had gotten AF on time we have cycled in October but now need to do HSG so am not sure if I can do HSG and cycle in same cycle.

Dr. T also gave me his email and said not to hesitate to to email or call with any questions.

When I walked out I saw old co-worker's wife again and stressed to call with anything and that they really want me to be comfortable with everything and that they strive for a family environment.

Oh of course since my vag was going to be on display I did some deforestation - it was for nothing - no physical exam.

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Then on Thursday (insert ominous music)

DH takes a turn for the worse

He has been having really bad tooth pain/swelling for the last week and a 1/2.
The dentist had mentioned that he needed a tooth pulled and potentially a root canal. Since his pain was unbearable I got him an emergency appt. last Monday and they removed tooth and gave him anti-biotic and vicodin.

It was still really bothering him on Wed. and he went to see diff. dentist who said he has bad infection on gums and does not need root canal and gave him a diff. anti-biotic that he has to take every six hours. She also said it was serious and if any of the swelling seemed to be traveling upwards it could get into eye and he needed to go straight to emergency room.

DH called me around 4:30 and said he thinks it is getting worse and should go to emergency room. I don't know if it is getting worse or if he is paranoid b/c of everything he has been through with surgeries and multiple infections.
I just want him to be 100% fine and no more infections. I know he is scared of any potential infection after his MRSA hell last year.

When he got home from work we called the pharmacy and our pharmacist said that this anti-biotic will take at least 6 in your system before feeling any type relief. D still had lots of swelling and it is a little higher than yesterday :(
We decided to have him get some rest and to continue with take the anti-biotics every 6 hours and then re-evaluate on Friday morning. If things weren't getting better we were going to call dentist and then decide if he should go see her or the emergency room.

Well, he was a little better and since then has slowly been improving. I really hope this infection goes away. I can’t imagine being on a boat in the middle of nowhere with a sick DH.

Please pray or send positive vibes that it goes away completely and he doesn’t need root canal. This man has had such a rough last 2 years - I just want him to be healthy.


********************************
And now that leaves today – we actually got some good news. My insurance is going to give us $1500 for D’s mTESE last March. It is a drop in the bucket but every little bit helps.

We leave for vacation on Friday and we can’t wait!!!! Our first vacation in 2 years!!! I’m hoping this is the beginning of good things.

hi

Wow, this blog has been pretty depressing (I guess so has my life), thanks for sticking around and actually reading it :)

So, a few people have asked how I have lost 17 lbs., well, I am doing Wei.ght Watc.hers Points, the regular old point system, not any of the newer versions. I like to eat whatever I want, whenever I want in moderation and this plan works for me. If you want to learn more shoot me an email, I'm always looking for weight loss buddies.

I finally called new RE and have an appt. for the end of the month. I'm glad I did it. I just hope everything is still working ok in there :)

Not much else to report. 29 days til vacation :)

*********************

you like me, you really like me :)

I want to thank the following bloggers for bestowing me with various blog awards

Bella, for the Kreativ Blogger Award
Sweet Georgia, for the Honest Scrap Award
Ashely and MelissaP05 for the One Lovely Blog Award

Thanks so much ladies, I so appreciate all your support and please check out their blogs, they are all strong, kind and wonderful ladies.

Here are some bloggers I want to award these awards to

Not How I Planned
The Road Less Traveled
Between the Lines (baby)
Elusive BFP
Conceive This
Dish Baby (pregnant)
MeInsideOut (pregnant)
PreHeatedOven (pregnant)
Infertility and Me
Hoping for Hoberts (babies)
Life in the White House (pregnant)

So I'm not going to do all the things these awards ask of me, I'm going write 10 honest things about myself as per the honest scrap award.

1. I want to write a book, I am not a good writer but I want to.
2. I treat my dog like he is a baby, yes, I am sick. I have actually uttered these words out loud while holding him, "I wish you were a real boy."
3. I love cheesy, sappy love songs.
4. I love the ocean and the way it renews my soul.
5. I love thunder and lightning.
6. I hate fake people.
7. I have a love/hate relationship with technology.
8. I love to gamble :)
9. I love to bake cupcakes
10. I love getting snail mail

Welcome ICLW'ers

Our journey is to your right :)


It's been a rough couple of weeks. D took his cousin's passing really hard and it was just so sad. Thank God his wife is holding up well but I have a feeling she was heavily medicated at the wake/funeral, considering she just had her kidney removed and left the hospital the same day as wake.


We're still in a holding pattern and I am procrastinating and haven't set up an appt. yet with new RE. I really don't want to think about anything until we come back from vacation (which will be from 9/4 - 9/18). At the same time, I'm sure I will need to get some testing done and I will need an HSG (never had one b/c we were MF and didn't need working tubes to do IVF). Get on my case and make me call the dr. please.


I'm just so looking forward to vacation, it is going to be so great to get away. I can't wait for our couple's massage :) Any Vegas recs? restaurants, shows, etc. The other times I have been were for bachelorette parties so I need some more couple-y type things to do.

A couple of AW updates :)
~ down 15 lbs
~ I have completed my goal of reading 50 books in 2009 - I am now shooting for 100. If you have any suggestions feel free to leave them when you comment.

It's my Blogaversary

One year ago, I started this blog. If you're still here reading you deserve a big thank you!

******************

A bunch of updates

~ I'm down 14 lbs. :)
~ I've read a couple more books
~ 52 days until vacation

~ we are the proud owners of 12 vials of ds, still have no idea when we will use it
~ thinking of switching RE's to a clinic that accepts my insurance for d-iui's, I'm torn b/c I <3 my RE, she is great, but corn.ell is very expensive and it would be so nice to visit a dr. and only pay a $20 co-pay

~ have had some good moments and some bad lately

Today was not a good day :(

My BFF's dad passed away and today was his funeral. We've been friends since 2nd grade and BFF's since 6th grade, we don't even say we're friends we say we're sisters. Her dad was like my dad and I even call her mom, ma :)

I am so sad. I hate to see my 2nd family so sad and wish there is something I could do for them.

It brought up so many emotions for me, especially about my parents. I hope and pray they are around for a long, long time. I hope they get to meet my children and get to spoil them and teach them to speak Italian and feed them yummy food.

While in church, I almost lost it to the point I was going to be loud and sobbing. I haven't been in church in a while and I am so mad at God right now. Why can't we have a baby? WHY? I just want D to be the father of my children. UGH!!! I fucken hate feeling this way!
Why can't I just accept this?

I really just wanted to scream WHY? in the middle of mass. I think I need to drive to an isolated area and just scream at God.

I hope tomorrow is better.

update -

A little after posting we got some more bad news. DH's cousin passed away. He was only 37 and leaves behind a wife and 2 daughters. He had health problems since his 20's and needed a kidney transplant. His wife was a match and their surgeries were today, he didn't survive the surgery. I feel so sad for his wife and kids and his parents and siblings. I can't even imagine what his wife is going through, waking up from surgery and finding out your husband is gone. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

I am so grateful for all that I have. I am still angry at God but so thankful for D.

Welcome ICLW'ers and updates

Hello ICLW'ers. Thanks for stopping by.
Our journey is to your right :)

A couple of updates.

We're still having some good and bad days. Father's Day was not pleasant.
My period is MIA, I'm on cd 48 and of course I get those little feelings that maybe it is a miracle. I POAS and of course it was a BIG FAT -
Hope can be such a four letter word sometimes.
It's also bringing me much anxiety. I have clockwork cycles and since the failed IVF, AF has been all over the place and now I'm starting to think there is something not right with me :( I don't want any more obstacles, I just want to move forward.

Last weekend we talked to a couple of friends of ours about our journey and moving forward. It was a great conversation. She is a LSW and he is a psychologist and it was great for DH to open up about his feelings and they left him with a lot of things to think about. He did have a breakthrough moment and it was great to see.

We've mailed out all the ds paperwork and all that is left is to pay for the gizz. It will be frozen at cryo.bank and they will deliver directly to clinic when we start IUIs. We're still not sure when that will happen but we're working on it.

DH and I have planned our vacation and CANNOT wait. We're taking a cruise from LA to Mex.ico and then flying to Vegas for a few days. It is going to be so nice to get out of this space and just relax. I have to say it is so hard for D and I to be in our home. We bought our home and hoped it would be a placed where we would have our first child and now it just makes us sad to be here. I want to move but unfortunately am stuck b/c of a residency requirement :(

Oh, and I also wanted to say how touched I am by the emails I get from blog readers. I feel so honored that people read this depressing blog and when they take the time to write to me, I get warm fuzzies. Although I hate being on this journey it makes me feel so touched that others find some comfort or feel less alone b/c of this blog. Thank you and ((HUGS))

Oh, and I am happy tr.ue blood is back. I love my fanged friends :)

Thanks to MelissaG for the Honest Scrap award - I appreciate it :)

I'm going AW for a second - I'm up to 41 books already! I think I'm going for 70 instead of 50 :)
and I'm down 10 lbs.

one step back

This roller coaster ride is in a down turn.

We were feeling better but all the ds paperwork has made everything feel fresh again. We're really saying that we won't be having a biological child together. It's sad.

We've been talking and crying and spending lots of time together. We know that we'll get to the other side one day.

********************************************

A couple of positive things :)

D and I went to Mohe.gan Sun this past weekend where I got to hang out with a few girls from my board. It was lots of fun. I made gift bags and everyone contributed something to them, they were very cute. We also broke even so that was good.

D and I are trying to get back in shape. I'm down 5lbs. (of the 40 I gained from IF stress). I'm back on the points.

We're trying to plan a vacation for early Sept. and can't agree on anything :) any suggestions?

My IUI nurse is so responsive and knowledgeable, she's really helping make this whole process smoother.

Another small step

I called my clinic's IUI nurse and learned all about scheduling, who to call when, forms to fill out to alert them my gizz (aka ds) is on the way, etc.

I will be doing natural cycles (at least 3 before we change the game plan) and will be using opk's 2x a day til I surge.

I still don't know when we'll be doing our first IUI.

Step 1

Today is my phone consult with the counselor from the cyro.bank. They are supposed to call me at some point between 9am - 5pm, so I'm sitting by the phone all day :(

We're also going to clean out our closets, switching from winter to summer and donating the unwanted or unused stuff.

D repeated his b/w last week testing hormones since his mTESE and stopping the clomid. Everything is ok except his testosterone is low. He has to repeat in 6 months. He also has a testicular u/s in a couple of weeks to make sure all is good.

Will update after phone call.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Welcome ICLW'ers! There is a run-down of our TTC history to your right.
Thanks for stopping by.

*`*`*`*~*~*~*`*`*`*

Well, the call is done. Counselor called at 5 to tell me he would call back between 6 and 6:30, so I had to wait a little longer.

The call went better than I expected. We talked about our journey so far, why we were using DS, how many children we wanted (and I didn't cry).

I have to call back next week and let them know how many vials we would like and fill out a bunch of paperwork. Apparently, we've chosen a popular donor and he stock is limited (he's a dr. and according to counselor a great guy). I first have to call IUI nurse to figure out how many vials we will need for IUI's and future siblings.

DH and I had a really good conversation this afternoon and while we are both scared we know we want to be parents and have a family. He is scared of so many things and doesn't want to regret this choice. I'm so glad he talking and being open.

For now we've chosen our donor. We can move forward whenever we are ready. We will be going to counseling at our clinic prior to IUI's.

Thanks for the support and good wishes.

Updates

Slowly moving forward.

We've been talking, crying, debating, crying and finally know we will be using DS. This decision was not an easy choice for either of us but we think it is the best choice for us and our future family.

Both D and I went through a crazy range of emotions about this and I felt things I never thought I would. We've known about azoo dx since 11/07, we knew DS might be a future option and yet I never thought about how I would feel carrying a baby that was not biologically related to my husband.

We've found DS that we like and is actually the same ethnicity as D, this is very important to me . Let me tell you finding DS that is not Caucasian is very hard. I've reached out to the cyro.bank that has the DS and have gotten a long profile of the donor and also a childhood pic. I'm waiting for a call from one of their counselors to talk about why we are using DS, etc.

I also reached out to my RE and told her about our next steps. She was very supportive and told me to call her with any questions, concerns, etc. She gave me the contact info for the IUI nurse to arrange the DS shipment and we will be doing natural IUI's since I have regular cycles. She also gave me the contact info for the counselor at Corn.ell and we need to meet with her as well to get cleared to do DS.

We also have to option to do the IUI's at the cyro.bank that has the DS, it is also in NYC so we may use that option as well if we need to.

I still have my moments of intense sadness but it is getting better.

Thank You

It's been rough lately but I am feeling better. Thanks for the support, prayers and positive vibes. I really appreciate it.


Well, it's Mother's Day - I hope it is a happy one for those of your blessed with children.


I actually have a present to open today thanks to Tarah's idea that we have a Secret Angel Exchange. A bunch of girls on my message board signed up on Elfster to be some one's secret angel and we all chose Angels we would like to receive from Wil.low T.ree. Here's my secret angel gift and card from LisanCraig. I didn't want a figurine, so I chose a candle holder. I LOVE it and the card is so cute. Thanks Lisa and very big Thanks to Tarah for putting this together.


The candle holder is for prayer and reads Strength, beauty and peace each day.
I can't wait to use.

For the rest of the day I will be making my mom a special dinner and spending the day up at my parents house. I hope your day is a good one. (((HUGS))) to my IF girls.

Will I ever be happy again?

I've been sobbing every night for the last few days and I am just so sad.
I don't want to cry anymore, or be angry or ask why me, why us, why?
Why does this have to be so hard?

I just want to fast forward, move on, feel something new.

I just believed so hard we would get a miracle and we didn't. I see it happen for many people, why not us? (again with the whys?)

I just want get past the sad and feel happy again. I mean I have my moments of happiness, hours when I don't think about any of this. And then it hits.

Today is cycle day 38. For some it might mean a BFP around the corner, for me it means my period has decided to fuck with my head. What a dumb bitch.

****************************************************

My mom's lumps came back benign, so that's great news.

Thank for everyone who asked and whose been sending prayers and positive vibes.

All over the place

That's how I feel and what this post will feel like.

D's incision has finally closed and his infection is gone.

My dad is doing well, his follow-up was today and everything is good.

My mom had her skin cancer burned off and they are testing a couple more locations on her body. She also had 3 lumps removed on Tuesday and they are out for testing. She's in pain but ok.

We're back from our very expensive weekend to mia.mi, it was so not in our budget right now (check last post as to why we went). We limited our time with D's fam. I am constantly shocked at the insensitivity of people. At one point when we were hanging out with D's fam, my nephew said that my watch was cool. I said thank you. My SIL asked me if D got it for me, I said yes, he gave it to me for Christ.mas. She then says to everyone, it's so nice when you don't have kids and you can buy each other presents. WTF!!!!! D just looked at me and I was going to go off but he just squeezed my hand and I stayed shut. I am completely livid and I am going to say something once I am a little calmer but at the same time I'm glad I didn't go off in front of my niece and nephew. She knows everything we have gone through, do you not think before you talk?. We have spent almost $50,000 to have a child. I would gladly never receive another gift again from anyone if I could have a biological child with D. What a douche!

Anyway, D and I did have a really nice time when we were alone and enjoyed relaxing and not being in this space. It was a nice break from reality.

It just bugs me that people don't get that we are grieving, that we have experienced a huge loss. Just because there was no actual baby that was lost doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. There is so much pain in never even being able to get to that point, to know that for the last 2 1/2 years there was never any chance at all of conceiving a child. To know that our future children will not be a product of us making love and making a baby.

D will not have a biological child and he is devastated and heart-broken. I just don't get it, my poor husband, the kindest, sweetest, funniest, most wonderful man in the world has to feel all this pain. I wish I could take it all away. I wish it were me everyday.

Life can be so unfair.
I know no one said it would be fair but it just sucks donkey balls.

Oh, and welcome to the ICLW'ers, a brief rundown of our journey is on the right. Thanks for stopping by, the comments are very much appreciated.

huh?

I just don't know what to even write anymore. I had hoped that my blog would go from IF to pregnancy and instead we're just stuck.

It was a bad week for me, I have been out of it and sad. While I am grateful we had an opportunity to try I just wish it would have worked. Dr. S's stats are 70% for sperm retrievals. It sucks to fall on the other side.

I remember thinking to myself while in the waiting room that the other 3 guys who were next in line for the mTESE would be the winners that day since we already fell on the bad side of the odds.

I am in the anger stage of grief. I am angry, why us? What the hell did we do to deserve this? Why can everyone around me get knocked up by having sex? WTF! I hope it passes quickly b/c I hate feeling like this.

******************************************
Other updates -

D and I are going to Mi.ami for the weekend to baptize our niece and nephew. They informed us the day after we were told we couldn't have biological children that we were to fly down this weekend for the baptism (we've known we would be the god parents for a long time, kids are 12 and 9). When we asked for an extension we were told no and are paying a ridiculous amount of money (hi, we just spent $20,000 to not have a kid) to fly to Mi.ami and for hotel since I refuse to stay with them and their insensitive asses. Am I being a bitch? I don't think I am but again I am in the anger stage. You've waited years, would it have killed you to wait a couple of months. The fertiles just don't get it. My SIL, who I like, is from South America and has offered to get me a kid, WTF does that mean? Hi, thanks for the offer but I don't want to adopt internationally and am not really in place to talk about this so please shut the fuck up.

I'm going to try to limit the amount of time I spend with them and lounge on a beach, which always relaxes me. I also scheduled a couple's massage for D and I, since we're broke why not ;)

My Dad is doing well. His procedure was successful and he's home relaxing and acting a little more like himself. We did get into an argument on Easter when I refused to talk to my family in Italy b/c I couldn't deal with the "when are you having kids" questions. (see Christmas 2008 for the calls to Italy cryfest)

My mom had her first treatment also. They still need to test a few more areas and her lumps, which maybe be removed first and tested later.

OK, sorry for the boring update. I don't have the energy to be humorous or sarcastic.

I have to say Thank God for my furbaby, he always finds a way to put a smile on our faces.

When it rains it pours

it's been a little while. sorry. still trying to process everything.

lots of other stuff going on.

My dad is having a procedure on his heart on Monday, he won't tell me what it is, I think it is another angioplasty but not sure. He is acting so strangely lately and I hate it. His 2 best friends died this year, one 2 weeks ago) and I think it is freaking him out. He is scared something will happen and he won't be around. He's also really sad for me and D, my mom says he hasn't been sleeping since we told them. He keeps calling me multiple times a day and he keeps offering me money so that D and I can decide our next steps.

My mom has skin cancer. She just got the call yesterday and doesn't have all the information. (It's really hard for my parents to get all the medical stuff because English is not their first language) Anyway she says they are going to burn it off but they need to test a few more areas and there are also some lumps they need to test as well.

and finally D has another infection. It is no where near as bad as last time and thankfully he will not be hospitalized, just treated with oral antibiotics. Not sure what kind of infection it is, they are sending out cultures to see if it is MRSA again (I don't think it is b/c there is no growths but what do I know). He's been feeling some pain around the incision and went to see out PC Dr. this morning.

It's also been a sad week for some ladies on my board and want to send all my nesties BIG ((((HUGS)))).

****************************************************************

D and I have are moments when everything is fine and then of course we remember. D says when he is ready to move forward he wants to do DS. I've got a call in to my RE to ask what this entails at our clinic and about the whole IUI procedure. I'm a planner and it is very hard for me to just sit around and not research something or plan ahead. Even though I don't know when we'll move forward it is nice to know that we are moving toward something.

Thanks for the emails, comments, vm's, support and prayers, it is very much appreciated.

It is hard for so many to get what we are feeling and of course we have heard many inappropriate, insensitive comments over the last 4 weeks. I love this quote from Life in the White House's Blog -
"The problem with infertility is that I am mourning children that do not exist and I'm the only one who misses them."

That is exactly how D and I feel. It's worse in some respects then losing a parent (D feels this is harder than losing his mom). In the natural circle of life parents die before their children and while it is sad, it's life. Children aren't supposed to die before their parents. When the children never get to be more then a dream, hope, wish or prayer then you and your spouse are mourning someone that never existed and you are mourning a life that you will never have.

At some point you will move on and decide to adopt or use DE or DS or maybe adopt embryos and you will be happy and have your family. It won't happen the way you imagined it would but it doesn't make it any less special.

But you have to get to that place where you are ready to move on. I've always dreamed of a little boy with D's eyes and cute ears. With his generous heart, sense of humor and crooked, mischievous smile. I'm not there yet.

this post is all over the place, just trying to get all this outta my head.

I want to say I'm sorry for doing such an awful job with ICLW - I just don't have the energy right now, I'm sorry.

For those of you visiting this sad blog, thanks for the comments, I appreciate them.

The last week has been so sad. We both feel like someone has died. D says this is harder then when his mom passed away. We're in mourning and we're grieving something we never had and will never have, a biological child. It just sucks.

I know it will get easier over time and there are other ways to have a family but for now everything hurts.

Here's a quick rundown of our TTC journey -
TTC since 9/20061st
SA in 10/07 = no sperm
Test for blocked tubes and Testicular biopsy 11/07 = old Uro interpreted Maturation Arrest
DH was on clomid and hcg injections for 3 months
Repeat SA 2/08 = no sperm
Consult with MFI Dr. (one of the best in the country) in 4/09Ran lots of tests on DH, everything is normal
Interprets biopsy slide as Sertoli Cell-Only Pattern
MFI Dr. recs. that DH have Orchiopexy and Varicocele Surgery and he does in 9/08
DH has been on 25 mg clomid since 11/08
Started BCP for IVF w/ICSI and mTESE on 1/31
Added Lupron on 2/22
Started Stimming 3/7
Triggered on 3/17
mTESE 3/18 = no sperm found

We never got to do ER b/c there was no sperm and it was so painful waiting for my body to ovulate all those eggs on its own. On top of my ovaries killing me, I was having intense pain through out my abdomen and lower back. My E2 levels were causing me to have really bad constipation. It hasn't been fun.

For now I am home with D and I'm hoping his incision closes soon and he doesn't get any infections.

We cry, we hug and we pray. Every morning it's like hearing the news for the first time. As the day progresses we tend to feel better but getting up is hard. I know we'll get through it but it just isn't fair.

Zero

No sperm found.

Dr. S said that he has no idea what caused DH's NOA, and he hopes one day they can figure it out and restore sperm production in NOA guys.

We both got to Cornell at 6:30am, D with his sample and me with my bag of goodies to entertain me. He was taken in at 7:30am and I was over at My Dr's side doing pre-op, b/w and vaj-cam.

D's Dr. came to see me around 10:30 to tell me that he was discouraged not to see any sperm while in there (he went into both testicles) but that he removed lots of good-looking tissue and the lab would go through it and look for sperm. He said they would call us in the evening and that my ER would be cancelled if they didn't find anything.

I got to see D around 10:45 in stage 1 recovery. He was tired and his throat hurt from the breathing tube. Eventually he woke up enough to sit up and drink some juice. They then moved him to stage 2 recovery in an isolation unit, he's on a MRSA database.

In stage 2 he had to urinate on his own and eat before he was released and I got to wear a lovely yellow gown over my clothes so I wouldn't get the MRSA.

He was finally released around 2 and we got home around 3. We then just cried and cried and cried. At this point, we didn't think they would find anything and were just completely devastated.

At Around 7, my RE called and told me how sorry she was about the mTESE and that she was there if I needed to talk or whenever we decided we were moving forward. She said I would get a period in 10-14 days and she was really sad for us.

At around 7:44 Dr. S called and was really sorry that they hadn't found anything. They haven't been able to figure out why this happens, is it a gene, a missing protein, they have no clue. It was very likely that D was born with everything necessary and it died off over time. He may have lost his sperm production before going through puberty.

We are just so sad, devastated and heart-broken. I cried so much last night that I made myself sick from all my tears. I'm still crying.

I just can't believe D doesn't get to be a biological father. He is w/o a doubt the sweetest, kindest, funniest, loving guy, why does he have to feel so much pain? As I mentioned, D is the youngest of 12 kids, he has 6 brother, 5 sisters and everyone has kids, lots of kids.
Most of his brothers are not good dads and have been nothing more than a child support payment, his Dad was a womanizer and a bastard, they can all be dads and he can't?

He worked so hard to be nothing like them, to be a good man, the kind of person a kid could look up to. He is more of a father to some of his nephews than his brothers. He's every one's favorite uncle and he goes out of his way to help them and at times take care of them.

I feel like I am rambling, so I'm going to log off.

I'm sure we'll be going through all the stages of grief.

Thank you so very much for all the support and prayers, we so appreciate it. Please pray D heals quickly and that he doesn't get any infections.

We need to decide what's next for us. We have no idea.

Triggering tonite - mTESE tomorrow

After 2 1/2 years of trying to conceive we are triggering tonite and D's mTESE is tomorrow morning.

He has to be at Cor.nell tomorrow morning at 6:30 with his cup of stuff for analysis. He then waits for Dr. S to find him and give him the results of SA and then it is time for mTESE. D's micro-surgery will last anywhere from 2-4 hours. I will be losing my mind during this time.

I have to be at Cor.nell at 6:30 for my pre-op. They will go over ER and I get more b/w and vaj cam. I can not wait until the vaj cam and I are no longer intimate friends.

So, friends of the worms, please send D lots of prayers and positive vibes and thoughts tomorrow morning. God, please let there be sperm!

Thanks so much for all your support, we really appreciate it.

For the record, I am pretty calm :)

Long Day and Triggering Tuesday Night

I had a breakdown yesterday and today and thankfully I am feeling better now.

Yesterday morning I went in for monitoring again. My RE did the u/s today which was so nice b/c she actually told me what was going on. D also came with me and he was so nervous, it was actually funny to see how weirded out he was.

She said my lining was 9.2 and I have 7-10 on the right ranging from 10 to 15mm and 4-6 on the left with the same range. I am disappointed, I feel like I should have more eggs.
She stressed how beautifully I am coming along and that she started me on the lowest dosage and really didn't want me to over-respond. She thinks I will trigger either Monday or Tuesday night. I have to go in every morning now and she is really happy with everything.

So I will have anywhere from 11 - 16 eggs - I feel like I should have like 25 eggs! I guess I wanted lots of eggs b/c if we are blessed enough to find sperm it will not be super great quality and I wanted more eggs to fertilize just in case a lot of them didn't make it but at the same time I don't want lots of embryos and have been praying for enough to have the family we have been hoping, wishing, praying for.

D got mad at me when I was upset and kept quoting my Dr. "you're coming along beautifully, why are you upset, I'm the one who is messed up" and now I feel guilty for making him upset.
Poor Worm, he is so scared and nervous.

Today I went back in for monitoring - Right ovary 7-10 follies from 10mm to 19 and left ovary 4-6 follies from 10 - 18. Dr. who did my u/s said to get hcg ready because I may be triggering.

I freaked out and lost it at work, sobbing in my office. I feel like I have to0 few eggs and am scared that we won't have any embies, even if we find sperm. I am freaking out and can't make my mind stop racing.

I am so scared, all the months of waiting and praying and now we will know if we have any chance at all for a biological child.

Then I start thinking maybe they started me with such a low dose b/c they didn't want me to make a lot of eggs b/c they don't think they will find sperm. My head is really running all over the place.

Eventually, I calmed down and was feeling so much better. I think I just needed a good cry.

Then, around 4:30 D gets a call from MFI Dr's nurse who tells him his mTESE will be tomorrow, which means I am triggering tonite. I tell D I haven't been told anything yet. So we assume his Dr's office got the call before I did.

I was hoping to do 1 more night of stims and trigger tomorrow night. Anyway at 5:15 I get a call from my Dr's office and they tell me to do another night of stims at same dosage and to come in tomorrow for monitoring and that I will trigger Tuesday night and D's mTESE will be Wed.

HUH! I tell my nurse about D's call and she said that they called prematurely and that to follow her instructions and that we'll get a call from MFI Dr's office with new plan. Ok, 30 minutes goes by and D never gets a call. Around 5:45 I call MFI Dr's office and leave message saying that we need to clarify mTESE date because I am not triggering tonite. The answering service takes message and I haven't gotten a call back.

Well, we are following my Dr's directions and I did what should be my last dosage of stims tonite. Monitoring tomorrow morning and triggering tomorrow night. D's surgery will be Wed. morning! AHHHHH!

Please say prayers, think fertile thoughts and send postive vibes, we are getting so close.

In spite of all my nuttiness, I am very grateful we get a chance at having a biological child. God, please let this work.

Oh, and I need a vacation and I'm blaming the meds for my craziness.

(On repeat in my head, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change)

Stimming has started :)

Yesterday morning was my day 3 start appt. I woke up at dawn, drove into NYC and had 8 viles of blood taken out (apparently some of my tests were old and they needed to be updated) and a visit with the vaj cam.

TMI - The vaj cam was not fun! This was my first time while flowing and it was so messy :( At one point the Dr. was like get another pad she's dripping. I apologized and the Dr. was like don't worry you're supposed to be flowing. YUCK!

The whole appt. was about 2 hours and I met with nurse again to go over my protocol. I was told that I would get a call by 7pm with next steps. They have to make sure I am ready to start and that my cycle and Dr. S's cycle (DH's super-fab MFI Dr.) match up. If it didn't they wouldn't start my stims yet.

I got the call at 4pm to start the stims!! I'm on 150 units of Go.nal F and 10 units of Lupron, 2 belly shots (God, what I wouldn't give for a tequila shot). D gave them to me last night.

I asked my Dr. who did my U/S what happens if there is no sperm, do they remove my eggs anyway or do they stay inside. The Dr. was like, there will be sperm, if there is none in the sample, the mTESE is the back up, you have a back up. OK, well if you are so sure then I guess I will be too!

Yesterday was also my dad's 65th birthday. We took him out to dinner and then played a lot of briscola bolognese (Italian card game). He was happy. I pray that he gets to spend his next birthday with a grandchild crawling all over him. I hope it is a good sign that I started stimming on his b-day :) I am so glad he gets to finally retire. My dad has worked so hard for so long (he's a stone mason, tile guy) on his knees that his back is shot. He deserves a nice long vacation, which is what my brother and I have given him, a trip to Italy to hang with his brothers and sister. We're trying to see if my Aunt that lives hear can go to so that they can all be together. My Dad and his siblings have not been all together since the late 70's, it would great for them to all spend time together.

My dad loves ice cream cakes so we got him one to celebrate the big 65. We took it out of the freezer before we started playing cards so that it could melt a little. Well, I guess we were so busy playing that the cake's bottom layer was all melted. I went to light the candles and the cake slid of the tray, it was a mess. My dad blew out candles on a melted mess. We needed a spoon to cut the cake ;) It was yummy!

While I was in the waiting room at Cor.nell, I was looking out for someone. Chip (a lovely lady also cycling with Dr. S this mTESE round and in from the UK, see I told you he was super-fab, she crossed the pond to cycle with him), was going in for a stim check and we had arranged to meet up if we crossed paths. She had told me that she would be wearing a cream down coat. Anyway, we didn't run into each other but someone else was wearing a cream down coat and I being the out-going ass that I am went up to her and asked her is she was Chip. The woman looked at me like I have 2 heads (her face was priceless, I was I had a camera) and went to wait on the other side of the room, which was like 200 feet away from me the crazy lady :)

My next monitoring appt. is tomorrow morning. Oh, and can I say I HATE spring ahead, losing an hour of sleep is just mean. I do love that it stays lighter longer.

We have flow!

I have never been so happy to see the evil red whore! I have been a nutcase for the last 2 days because AF wasn't showing up. I invented crazy reasons why it wasn't showing, I was asking dumb questions on my board and then finally she showed up this afternoon right before a 4 o'clock meeting.


I go in for my baseline on Saturday morning (monitoring is from 7am - 8:30am) so I am going to have to get up early and drive into NYC. Hopefully, I will start stimming on Sat. night.


One more step closer :)

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So in other news 2 other wonderful bloggers have honored me with the "Honest Scrap" award and I wanted to say a big Thanks!!!!

(((HUGS))) to What IF? who is currently PUPO, praying you get your BFP very soon and Lisa from Sticks and Stims May Break My Bones is currently cycling, sending you tons of baby dust. GL to both of you :)
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Still need to have a bowel movement. I am so bloated and uncomfortable.

I can't get the fil.et-o-fi.sh song (commercial with the singing bass in the garage) out of my head.
Maybe I should eat a fil.et-o-fi.sh, it could lead to a bowel movement ;)

D just did laundry for me so that I can wear my fav warm up pants on Saturday morning, he is such a sweetie.

I need some book recs - so if you comment please, give me some book suggestions!

No more pills :)

and 1 step closer.

I'm so glad that I am done with the evil BCP, hopefully I will be able to have a bowel movement now :)

I'm scared.
I'm anxious.
My mind is racing.
I'm hopeful.
I'm grateful.

I can't believe that we are days away from stims. Part of me can't wait to get this show on the road. Part of me is so full of fear. Part of me is so full of hope.

I'm scared. What if my eggs suck? What if we don't find sperm? How will D react? How will I react? Will I be able to get out of bed? How will I breathe? How will I ever stop crying? How will I comfort D?

My mind is racing. I just have all these crazy scenarios in my head.

I'm hopeful. This has to work. They will find sperm. We will have embies growing. It will work. I dream about being pregnant. Seeing D's reaction and the happiness that will radiate from every pore on his body. The tears of joy that will fall. Telling my dad he is going to be a nonno. Telling my mom she is going to be a nonna. Decorating our nursery.

There are so many ways these next few weeks could play out. This is how I want them to play out.

We get lots of mature eggs.
There is viable sperm.
We have sperm to freeze.
We have a good amount of embies.
We transfer 2 healthy embies.
We have a few frosties.
We get pregnant and deliver healthy baby(ies) next winter.

I can live with various versions of this as long as there is sperm.

God, please let there be sperm.

I'm still grateful. For everything in our lives. For being D's wife. For our home and furbaby. For amazing Dr.'s who created techniques to find sperm. For a chance at being parents.

I'm grateful for my blog readers and nesties. I'm grateful for my friends and family. I am immensely grateful for the support, prayers and positive thoughts and vibes. Thank you.

4 more days of the BCP

Last pill is on Sat, I can't wait to stop it. BCP's and now Lupron are making me so freakin' bloated and constipated! I just want to go to the bathroom :(

So far, so good with the shots. D has been doing them like a pro. The Lupron burns and I get some raised bumps but it goes away after an hour or so. I have some bruising but that is to be expected, I am an easy bruiser.

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, D and I will most likely get our ashes after work. We usually go together. I always give up something I love for lent and this year will be no different.
I'm giving up potatoes (one of my top 3 foods), soda (because I don't really want to drink it anymore) and cursing (I really enjoy it).

Oh and I wanted to welcome the ICWL'ers! Thanks for stopping by. This is a quick rundown of our journey.

TTC since 9/2006
1st SA in 10/07 = no sperm
Test for blocked tubes and Testicular biopsy 11/07 = old Uro interpreted Maturation Arrest
DH was on clomid and hcg injections for 3 months
Repeat SA 2/08 = no sperm
Consult with MFI Dr. (one of the best in the country) in 4/09
Ran lots of tests on DH, everything is normal
Interprets biopsy slide as Sertoli Cell-Only Pattern (said that slide was compromised because of storage material so this may be off)
MFI Dr. recs. that DH have Orchiopexy and Varicocele Surgery and he does in 9/08
DH has been on 25 mg clomid since 11/08
and finally
We're doing IVF w/ICSI & mTESE next month

God Please Let This Work!

1st shot tonite!

I feel like I keep saying I can't believe it but, I can't believe it, I am going to be sticking needles into myself for the foreseeable future! I hate shots but am willing to do whatever it takes.

D is also kind of freaking out about all this. It is so close now. We will know one way or another if his surgery, the clomid, the vitamins has worked! At some point in March my man will have some sort of sharp object getting near his balls for the 3rd time in the last year and a half. I can not even imagine what he is going through or feeling. I try to listen and be as supportive as possible but I don't know if I am any help or if I am getting through.

Last night D told me he is scared and part of him doesn't want to move forward. He doesn't want to know if he can never have biological children. He asked me if I was mad at him for feeling this way. I'm not mad, he's entitled to his feelings. I'm sure he is not looking forward to more swollen balls (hopefully no infections this time).

I told him if he wants to put this off for a while more we can, but at some point we are going to have to find out. I asked him if he could go his whole life not knowing the truth, not doing everything he could to know the truth. He doesn't want to put it off but is really scared of what his reaction will be if there is no sperm.

I'm scared too. I have no idea what my reaction will be either. The one thing I am sure of is that no matter what the future holds - it is me and D forever. We'll get through it. I keep telling him, I got your back, no matter what. I think it is always better to move forward with all the information, even if it is not the info or news you want.

Well, we have 35-45% odds of finding sperm, not great, but not bad. We have a chance. 10 years ago we would have no chance. Our MFI Dr. is one of the inventors of the mTESE, we are in the best possible hands.

God Please Let this WORK!

Will update later, after I do the first shot.

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1st lupron shot is done!!! It's burning, I hope that is normal.

D actually did it for me, he wants to be involved :) He is so cute. I <3 D!

They're Here!

Well, I guess this is really happening! My BIG box of IVF meds arrived today. I can't believe how many needles are in there :(

So, here it is the obligatory Box O'Meds Pic!


I included our "Little Squirt" in the pic since we're making our little squirts :)
D and I love Ne.mo and Squirt is one of our fav characters.

I'm so glad I only have one more week of the BCP, it is making me nuts! Crazy emotions, migraines, bloating and constipation, such great s/e's. Why can't I get on BCP and lose like 10lbs, instead I get bloat and then more bloat from not going to the stinking bathroom.

We start injections on Sunday night. Bring on the Lupron! I'm feeling really excited and hopeful. I'm trying to be realistic but we want this so much and it is hard to imagine it not working. God Please Let This Work!

My mom keeps talking about me being pregnant, which is freaking me out. I'm like lady, let it actually happen first! She is trying to convince me to by a winter coat since I will be pregnant next winter and everything is on sale now. My mom, always planning ahead. She has had her future grand children's crib stashed in the basement for when they need to take naps for over 2 years. She started saving for my bridal shower when I was born :)

So, please say some big prayers and send D's balls some great sperm vibes.

One week closer :)

I finally feel like I am getting over the bronchitis, Thank God!

D and I went to AC for a couple of days to spend some time away from IF and just relax. It was so nice. We slept, gambled, walked on the board walk and celebrated V day. So glad we decided to go.

In IVF news, I've started my 3rd week on BCP and will be adding Lupron to the mix on 2/22. D and I went to Cor.nell for our IVF class and the nurse was so informative and sweet. They went through a powerpoint about the entire process and then we watched a video on giving the injections (yikes!). After the video, the nurse brought out a dummy and went over the injections again and then gave us a DVD to take home with more instructions. I think we've got it covered :) I'm still freaked out about the PIO :(

After the class we got to meet with our IVF nurse to go over our protocol again. She faxed our IVF med needs to the fertility pharmacy our insurance is requiring us to use and now we wait for them to call me. She mapped out our calendar and it looks like our ER and ET will happen the week of St. Patrick's and St. Joseph's Days, I'm taking this to be a good sign :)

Nothing else really to report. Trying to stay hopeful and doing my IF meditations (which are actually relaxing).

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this post was actually published on Sunday, February 15th. I have no idea why it says it was published on the 10th. weird