I want to say I'm sorry for doing such an awful job with ICLW - I just don't have the energy right now, I'm sorry.
For those of you visiting this sad blog, thanks for the comments, I appreciate them.
The last week has been so sad. We both feel like someone has died. D says this is harder then when his mom passed away. We're in mourning and we're grieving something we never had and will never have, a biological child. It just sucks.
I know it will get easier over time and there are other ways to have a family but for now everything hurts.
Here's a quick rundown of our TTC journey -
TTC since 9/20061st
SA in 10/07 = no sperm
Test for blocked tubes and Testicular biopsy 11/07 = old Uro interpreted Maturation Arrest
DH was on clomid and hcg injections for 3 months
Repeat SA 2/08 = no sperm
Consult with MFI Dr. (one of the best in the country) in 4/09Ran lots of tests on DH, everything is normal
Interprets biopsy slide as Sertoli Cell-Only Pattern
MFI Dr. recs. that DH have Orchiopexy and Varicocele Surgery and he does in 9/08
DH has been on 25 mg clomid since 11/08
Started BCP for IVF w/ICSI and mTESE on 1/31
Added Lupron on 2/22
Started Stimming 3/7
Triggered on 3/17
mTESE 3/18 = no sperm found
We never got to do ER b/c there was no sperm and it was so painful waiting for my body to ovulate all those eggs on its own. On top of my ovaries killing me, I was having intense pain through out my abdomen and lower back. My E2 levels were causing me to have really bad constipation. It hasn't been fun.
For now I am home with D and I'm hoping his incision closes soon and he doesn't get any infections.
We cry, we hug and we pray. Every morning it's like hearing the news for the first time. As the day progresses we tend to feel better but getting up is hard. I know we'll get through it but it just isn't fair.
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We've been TTC since 9/06 and DH has unexplained NOA. After 3 surgeries, including a failed mTESE and IVF we decided to move on to DS. We were blessed to get pregnant with 4 babies, but sadly I m/c'ed. 3 D-IUI's, 3 IVF's and 2 FET's and we're still trying to figure it out. I am going to be honest and open about my feelings; At times I may be whiney, annoying, complaining and depressing. We're just trying to heal and figure out what's next for us.
About Me
- theworms
- D and I have been together for 12 years and married 5. We thought starting a family would be a piece of cake, we were wrong. This is our journey to the family we have been praying, hoping, dreaming and wishing for. If you have any questions about unexplained NOA, sertoli cell-only pattern sperm or just want to chat please email me at theworms1022@gmail.com.
Our Journey So Far - 5 years and counting :(
*Met in October 1998
*Got Married in October 2005
*started TTC in Sept. 2006
2007
*Used at home fertility test, Fert.ell and it said I was fine and DH needed to see a Dr. (we thought it was wrong)
*1st SA in October = no sperm (we thought it was just a formality and it was me, we were wrong. D is so upset, comes from a long line of pro-creaters, youngest of 12 kids and we have 48 nieces and nephews, some of them great nieces and nephews)
*Praying it is a blockage
*Test for blocked tubes, cystocopy, no blockage November *Testicular biopsy in November = old Uro interpreted slide as Maturation Arrest (D also gets an infection)
*DH was on clomid and hcg injections for 3 months
2008
*meet w/ RE and have basic testing done and SHG
*Repeat SA February = no sperm
*in April Consult with MFI Dr. (one of the best in the country) Ran lots of tests on DH, everything is normal
*Interprets biopsy slide as Sertoli Cell-Only Pattern
*MFI Dr. recs. that DH have Orchiopexy (moving testicles further from body) and Varicocele Surgery (opening up veins) and he does in September (he also winds up in hospital for 5 days with MRSA infection)
*DH took 25 mg clomid from 11/08 to 3/09
2009
*Started BCP for IVF w/ICSI and mTESE on 1/31/09
*Added Lupron on 2/22
*Started Stimming 3/7 (150 units gonal F)
*Triggered on 3/17
*mTESE 3/18 = no sperm found (DH also gets another infection)
*decided to move forward w/ DS and purchased DS in July
*met with new RE in August
*CD3 b/w repeated 9/29/09
*HSG = all clear 10/5/09
*1st D-IUI, clomid, 50 mg for 5 days (11/12 - 11/16)
*ovridel trigger 11/18
*IUI#1 11/20
*beta 12/4 = big fat FAIL
*2nd D-IUI CD3 b/w u/s 12/9/09
*100 mg clomid 12/9 - 12/13
*Monitoring appt. 12/16 = 4 follies
*ovridel trigger 12/17
*IUI#2 12/19
*BFN 1/4/10
2010
*3rd D-IUI CD4 b/w u/s 1/11
*100 mg clomid 1/11 - 1/15
*Monitoring appt. 1/18 = 2 follies
*ovridrel trigger 1/19
*IUI #3 1/21
*beta 2/4 = BFN
* Moving Forward w/ IVF 1.5
* started BCP 2/12/10
* added Lupron 3/19/10
* started folgard, baby aspirin and dexamethazone 3/19/10 *started stimming for IVF 1.5 3/31 (150 units gonal F and 1 vial menopur)
*Triggered on 4/9/10
*ER 4/11/10, 22 eggs
*1st Fert Report 4/12/10, 17 mature, 15 Fertilized
*Day 3 Fert Report 4/14/10, 11 exactly where they should be and 4 stragglers
*ET 4/16/10, transferred 2 blasts
*4 expanded blasts frozen
*Beta #1 10dp5dt on 4/26/10, 168
*Beta #2 12dp5dp on 4/28/10, 448
*1st u/s 5w2d, it's twins :)
*2nd u/s 6w2d, lost baby 5/11/10
*3rd u/s 7w1d, lost other baby 5/17/10
* D&C 6/7/10
*RPL & clotting b/w show blood clotting disorder
FET
*7/1 - started BCP
*7/9 - hysteroscopy
*7/22 - add lupron, dexamethasone, folgard
*7/25 - last BCP
*7/31 - baseline and start E2V (intra-muscular 2 times a week) and lovenox (60mg)
*8/14 - b/w & u/s
*8/20 FET!!!
*8/29 Beta = BFFN
*9/2 WTF appt.
*9/29 cd 24 endometrial biopsy
IVF#2
*10/12 started provera
*10/23 added lupron, baby aspirin, folgard, dexamethazone
*10/26 last provera
*10/28 AF arrived
*11/1 baseline
*11/3 started stimming and lovenox
stims varied through out cycle, I was on gonal F and menopur
*11/8 intralipid infusion
*11/13 triggered
*11/15 ER - 11 eggs
*11/16 fert report 5 mature eggs, 5 fertilized
*11/18 day 3 fert report, all 5 exactly where they are supposed to be
*11/20 transferred 2 expanded blasts grade 1 and grade 2
*11/29 9dt5dt beta#1 - 149
*12/1 11dpt5dt beta#2 - 450
*12/13 1st u/s 6weeks 1 baby w/HB
*12/13 around 10pm started bleeding
*12/14 2nd u/s baby is gone m/c #3
FUCK!!!!!!
2011
*1/31 met with hematologist, ran lots of b/w
*2/14 follow up w/ hematologist, more b/w
i have disproportionate ratios in Von Willebrand Factor (tendency to bleed)
*2/15 CCRM phone consult
*2/27 started BCP for FET
*2/28 hysteroscopy
*3/8 met with RPL Dr., lots more bloodwork
*3/31 started meds for FET
dexamethesone, Lupron 10 units
*4/4 dropped to 5 units of Lupron
*4/9 started delestrogen .2ml
*4/28 transferred 2 expanded blasts
*5/6 8dp5dt BFP beta is 57
*5/10 12dp5dt beta is 262
*5/16 5w2d started bleeding, u/s showed 1 sac, beta is 1817
*5/23 6w2d m/c
more testing, no more answers
lots of bleeding 6/29, 7/1, 7/10 on and huge bleed on 7/15
7/22 hysteroscopy, 5 polyps removed
*Got Married in October 2005
*started TTC in Sept. 2006
2007
*Used at home fertility test, Fert.ell and it said I was fine and DH needed to see a Dr. (we thought it was wrong)
*1st SA in October = no sperm (we thought it was just a formality and it was me, we were wrong. D is so upset, comes from a long line of pro-creaters, youngest of 12 kids and we have 48 nieces and nephews, some of them great nieces and nephews)
*Praying it is a blockage
*Test for blocked tubes, cystocopy, no blockage November *Testicular biopsy in November = old Uro interpreted slide as Maturation Arrest (D also gets an infection)
*DH was on clomid and hcg injections for 3 months
2008
*meet w/ RE and have basic testing done and SHG
*Repeat SA February = no sperm
*in April Consult with MFI Dr. (one of the best in the country) Ran lots of tests on DH, everything is normal
*Interprets biopsy slide as Sertoli Cell-Only Pattern
*MFI Dr. recs. that DH have Orchiopexy (moving testicles further from body) and Varicocele Surgery (opening up veins) and he does in September (he also winds up in hospital for 5 days with MRSA infection)
*DH took 25 mg clomid from 11/08 to 3/09
2009
*Started BCP for IVF w/ICSI and mTESE on 1/31/09
*Added Lupron on 2/22
*Started Stimming 3/7 (150 units gonal F)
*Triggered on 3/17
*mTESE 3/18 = no sperm found (DH also gets another infection)
*decided to move forward w/ DS and purchased DS in July
*met with new RE in August
*CD3 b/w repeated 9/29/09
*HSG = all clear 10/5/09
*1st D-IUI, clomid, 50 mg for 5 days (11/12 - 11/16)
*ovridel trigger 11/18
*IUI#1 11/20
*beta 12/4 = big fat FAIL
*2nd D-IUI CD3 b/w u/s 12/9/09
*100 mg clomid 12/9 - 12/13
*Monitoring appt. 12/16 = 4 follies
*ovridel trigger 12/17
*IUI#2 12/19
*BFN 1/4/10
2010
*3rd D-IUI CD4 b/w u/s 1/11
*100 mg clomid 1/11 - 1/15
*Monitoring appt. 1/18 = 2 follies
*ovridrel trigger 1/19
*IUI #3 1/21
*beta 2/4 = BFN
* Moving Forward w/ IVF 1.5
* started BCP 2/12/10
* added Lupron 3/19/10
* started folgard, baby aspirin and dexamethazone 3/19/10 *started stimming for IVF 1.5 3/31 (150 units gonal F and 1 vial menopur)
*Triggered on 4/9/10
*ER 4/11/10, 22 eggs
*1st Fert Report 4/12/10, 17 mature, 15 Fertilized
*Day 3 Fert Report 4/14/10, 11 exactly where they should be and 4 stragglers
*ET 4/16/10, transferred 2 blasts
*4 expanded blasts frozen
*Beta #1 10dp5dt on 4/26/10, 168
*Beta #2 12dp5dp on 4/28/10, 448
*1st u/s 5w2d, it's twins :)
*2nd u/s 6w2d, lost baby 5/11/10
*3rd u/s 7w1d, lost other baby 5/17/10
* D&C 6/7/10
*RPL & clotting b/w show blood clotting disorder
FET
*7/1 - started BCP
*7/9 - hysteroscopy
*7/22 - add lupron, dexamethasone, folgard
*7/25 - last BCP
*7/31 - baseline and start E2V (intra-muscular 2 times a week) and lovenox (60mg)
*8/14 - b/w & u/s
*8/20 FET!!!
*8/29 Beta = BFFN
*9/2 WTF appt.
*9/29 cd 24 endometrial biopsy
IVF#2
*10/12 started provera
*10/23 added lupron, baby aspirin, folgard, dexamethazone
*10/26 last provera
*10/28 AF arrived
*11/1 baseline
*11/3 started stimming and lovenox
stims varied through out cycle, I was on gonal F and menopur
*11/8 intralipid infusion
*11/13 triggered
*11/15 ER - 11 eggs
*11/16 fert report 5 mature eggs, 5 fertilized
*11/18 day 3 fert report, all 5 exactly where they are supposed to be
*11/20 transferred 2 expanded blasts grade 1 and grade 2
*11/29 9dt5dt beta#1 - 149
*12/1 11dpt5dt beta#2 - 450
*12/13 1st u/s 6weeks 1 baby w/HB
*12/13 around 10pm started bleeding
*12/14 2nd u/s baby is gone m/c #3
FUCK!!!!!!
2011
*1/31 met with hematologist, ran lots of b/w
*2/14 follow up w/ hematologist, more b/w
i have disproportionate ratios in Von Willebrand Factor (tendency to bleed)
*2/15 CCRM phone consult
*2/27 started BCP for FET
*2/28 hysteroscopy
*3/8 met with RPL Dr., lots more bloodwork
*3/31 started meds for FET
dexamethesone, Lupron 10 units
*4/4 dropped to 5 units of Lupron
*4/9 started delestrogen .2ml
*4/28 transferred 2 expanded blasts
*5/6 8dp5dt BFP beta is 57
*5/10 12dp5dt beta is 262
*5/16 5w2d started bleeding, u/s showed 1 sac, beta is 1817
*5/23 6w2d m/c
more testing, no more answers
lots of bleeding 6/29, 7/1, 7/10 on and huge bleed on 7/15
7/22 hysteroscopy, 5 polyps removed
65 Books in 2011
1. Cresendo by Becca Fitzpatrick
2. Night Star by Alyson Noel
3. Wicked by Sara Shepard
4. Dead to the World by Charlaine Harris
5. Dead and Gone by Charlaine Harris
6. Awakened by P.C. & Kristin Cast
7. Lovers and Newcomers by Rosie Thomas
8. Love Letters by Katie Fforde
9. Insatiable,
10. When Lightning Strikes,
11. Code Name Cassandra,
12. Queen of Babble,
13. Queen of Babble in the Big City
14. Queen of Babble Gets Hitched,
15. Safe House,
16. Sanctuary &
17. Missing You by Meg Cabot
18. Maybe This Time by Jennifer Crusie
19. Seven Year Switch by Claire Cook
20. Conception Chronicles by by Patty Doyle Debano, Courtney Menzel and Shelly Sutphen
21. Notting Hell by Rachel Johnson
22. Metro Girl by Janet Evanovich
23. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larsson
24. True Colors by Kristin Hannah
25. Star Island by Carl Hiaasen
26. River Marked by Patricia Briggs
27. Mini Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella
28. Me by Ricky Martin
29. Size 12 is Not Fat,
30. Size 14 Isn't Either &
31. Big Boned by Meg Cabot
32. Anyone But You by Jennifer Crusie
33. The Girl Who Played with Fire &
34. The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest by Steig Larsson
35. The Castaways by Elin Hilderbrand
36. Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
37. Dead Reckoning &
38. A Touch of Dead by Charlaine Harris
39. Practically Perfect by Katie Fforde
40. Smokin' Seventeen by Janet Evanovich
41. Sing You Home by Jody Picoult
42. Once Upon a Time, There Was You by Elizabeth Berg
43. Barefoot &
44. The Island by Elin Hilderbrand
45. Everlasting by Alyson Noel
46. Overbite by Meg Cabot
47. What Would Jane Austen Do? by Laurie Brown
48. Bossypants by Tina Fey
49. The Baby Trail by Sinead Moriarty
50. The Pact by Jody Picoult
51. Original Sin, A Sally Sin Adventure by Beth McMullen
52. Blue Bloods by Melissa de la Cruz
53. One Day by David Nicholls
54. Home Improvement: Undead Edition edited by Charlaine Harris and Toni L.P. Kelner
55. Heat Wave by Richard Castle
2. Night Star by Alyson Noel
3. Wicked by Sara Shepard
4. Dead to the World by Charlaine Harris
5. Dead and Gone by Charlaine Harris
6. Awakened by P.C. & Kristin Cast
7. Lovers and Newcomers by Rosie Thomas
8. Love Letters by Katie Fforde
9. Insatiable,
10. When Lightning Strikes,
11. Code Name Cassandra,
12. Queen of Babble,
13. Queen of Babble in the Big City
14. Queen of Babble Gets Hitched,
15. Safe House,
16. Sanctuary &
17. Missing You by Meg Cabot
18. Maybe This Time by Jennifer Crusie
19. Seven Year Switch by Claire Cook
20. Conception Chronicles by by Patty Doyle Debano, Courtney Menzel and Shelly Sutphen
21. Notting Hell by Rachel Johnson
22. Metro Girl by Janet Evanovich
23. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larsson
24. True Colors by Kristin Hannah
25. Star Island by Carl Hiaasen
26. River Marked by Patricia Briggs
27. Mini Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella
28. Me by Ricky Martin
29. Size 12 is Not Fat,
30. Size 14 Isn't Either &
31. Big Boned by Meg Cabot
32. Anyone But You by Jennifer Crusie
33. The Girl Who Played with Fire &
34. The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest by Steig Larsson
35. The Castaways by Elin Hilderbrand
36. Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
37. Dead Reckoning &
38. A Touch of Dead by Charlaine Harris
39. Practically Perfect by Katie Fforde
40. Smokin' Seventeen by Janet Evanovich
41. Sing You Home by Jody Picoult
42. Once Upon a Time, There Was You by Elizabeth Berg
43. Barefoot &
44. The Island by Elin Hilderbrand
45. Everlasting by Alyson Noel
46. Overbite by Meg Cabot
47. What Would Jane Austen Do? by Laurie Brown
48. Bossypants by Tina Fey
49. The Baby Trail by Sinead Moriarty
50. The Pact by Jody Picoult
51. Original Sin, A Sally Sin Adventure by Beth McMullen
52. Blue Bloods by Melissa de la Cruz
53. One Day by David Nicholls
54. Home Improvement: Undead Edition edited by Charlaine Harris and Toni L.P. Kelner
55. Heat Wave by Richard Castle
Trouble Trying To Conceive Lingo
BCP = Birth Control Pills
Beta = Blood test for HcG (pregnancy hormone)
BFN = Big Fat Negative (on HPT)
BFP = Big Fat Positive (i.e. PREGNANT!)
CBEFM - Clear Blue Easy Fertility monitor
DE = Donor Eggs
DH = Dear Husband. Even when he's not being particularly dear.
DS = Donor Sperm
DX = Diagnosis
ER = Egg Retrieval (part of IVF)
ET = Embryo Transfer (last step of IVF)
FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer
Follies = Follicles or Eggs
HPT = Home Pregnancy Test
HSG = x-ray of Uterus and Fallopian tubes done by inserting dye through the cervix.
ICSI - intracytoplasmic sperm injection – used with IVF, especially in cases of Male Factor Infertility
IF = Infertility
Injectibles = see "Stims"
IUI = Intrauterine Insemination
IVF = In Vitro Fertilization
Lap = Laproscopy
M/C – miscarriage
MFI = Male Factor Infertility
mTESE = microdissection Testicular Sperm Extraction
NOA = non-obstructive azoospermia
OHSS = Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome
PCOS = Polycystic Ovary Syndrome
PIO = Progesterone in Oil
POAS = Pee on a stick (i.e. taking a HPT)
PUPO = Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise
RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist
SA = Semen Analysis
S/E = Side Effects
Stims = follicle stimulating drugs
TTC = Trying to Conceive
TTTC = Trouble Trying to Conceive
TI = Timed Intercourse
U/S = Ultrasound
Beta = Blood test for HcG (pregnancy hormone)
BFN = Big Fat Negative (on HPT)
BFP = Big Fat Positive (i.e. PREGNANT!)
CBEFM - Clear Blue Easy Fertility monitor
DE = Donor Eggs
DH = Dear Husband. Even when he's not being particularly dear.
DS = Donor Sperm
DX = Diagnosis
ER = Egg Retrieval (part of IVF)
ET = Embryo Transfer (last step of IVF)
FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer
Follies = Follicles or Eggs
HPT = Home Pregnancy Test
HSG = x-ray of Uterus and Fallopian tubes done by inserting dye through the cervix.
ICSI - intracytoplasmic sperm injection – used with IVF, especially in cases of Male Factor Infertility
IF = Infertility
Injectibles = see "Stims"
IUI = Intrauterine Insemination
IVF = In Vitro Fertilization
Lap = Laproscopy
M/C – miscarriage
MFI = Male Factor Infertility
mTESE = microdissection Testicular Sperm Extraction
NOA = non-obstructive azoospermia
OHSS = Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome
PCOS = Polycystic Ovary Syndrome
PIO = Progesterone in Oil
POAS = Pee on a stick (i.e. taking a HPT)
PUPO = Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise
RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist
SA = Semen Analysis
S/E = Side Effects
Stims = follicle stimulating drugs
TTC = Trying to Conceive
TTTC = Trouble Trying to Conceive
TI = Timed Intercourse
U/S = Ultrasound
23 comments:
Happy ICLW! Sorry you arer having suh a struggle. Understand why you are not up to ICLW at the mo.
Well you are a week out of the woods, so infection risks should be waning right? Although you did say "closes" which leads me to think that it is open and then I worry for you both. Here's to hoping time passes faster.
I'm so sorry. I think pain like this does get easier to manager over time, but never really leaves you. (I am equating your pain to the pain of losing my father, but forgive me if it doesn't quite equate.)
I hope that your pain becomes easier to manage with time. I'm happy that you are able to support eachother.
I am so very sorry - there are not other words - nothing I can say to make this any better - just know I am thinking of you and you and your DH are in my prayers.
((HUGS)) to you and DH. You're in my prayers and I hope things will get easier in time. Not just the emotional pain, but you guys have the physical pain to deal with as well.
Sorry that you are still so down. I hope you both are feeling physically better soon, and I hope you find peace and acceptance of all of this in your hearts. Still thinking of you.
It is not fair and I am sorry. Take as much time as you need to be miserable, to rage, to be down. We are coming to the point where we may not be able to have our biological children either because of Mr. M's sperm. It is beyond words.
I am so sorry to read your story. You and your husband must feel so hurt and frustrated. I am so glad you are holding tight to each other.
Hugs,
Carrie from ICLW
:-( I don't think you need to feel guilty about ICLW, hon. You've got bigger fish to fry. I'm so sorry about all this crap happening.
*hugs*
Don't feel guilty about ICLW. Your pain is completely understandable. {{HUGS}}
ICLW
I wish I had the perfect words to say...I guess I just want you to know that I'm here for you for WHATEVER you need, WHENEVER you need.
~*~*hugs~*~*
You are mourning a loss, a dream... It does get a little easier but there will be moments. Please stay strong...you will need it when God reveals his plans to you both.
Hang in there!! Your loss is real and it hurts deep in places you never knew...
But never go to the dark place because you will be parents just not what you imagined...God does though!!
Take Care and your time!!!
Diane
It's so unfair that you and your husband are going through this. He sounds like too wonderful a man not to be albe to father his own children. And to go through all these treatments and procedures so that you can have children together? He sounds really wonderful. It's just not fair.
Good luck with whatever decision you decide to move forward with.
ICLW
more hugs
you can now find me at meinsideout.wordpress.com
I am so sorry you are so sad! I read this post and the one below it and I'm crying with you. I wish you peace, I'm also thinking about you and your husband.
*ICLW*
I am so sorry for such devastating news. It is so unfair!
Hugs to you both as you grieve and decide on what to do next.
ICLW
I agree with everyone else...don't even think about feeling bad about not commenting during ICLW.
I am so sorry that you guys are going through this. It is definitely unfair.
Oh, sweetie. I am so, so, so sorry for you both. What a devastating blow. There are really no words of comfort.
I am here with you.
Hugs,
Jo
My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry. :(
ICLW
I hope you are both hanging in there. I know it seems like you will never get through this, but you will. You need this time to cry and grieve, but somehow you will find your way out of this hole and onto parenthood. ((HUGS))
I have been thinking of you both so very much & still don't know the right words to say. I wish I had the magic potion to make this all go away. I love you & D very much and am here for you through thick & thin.
Love you,
Nikki-cole
I'm heartbroken for you guys. I am so sorry to hear that your having such a hard time through all of this. I will most definately pray for you guys. Miracles can happen and hopefully God will bless you guys in a special way. Who knows how or what will happen but just know you have lots of supportive friends and prayers coming your way!
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