When it rains it pours

it's been a little while. sorry. still trying to process everything.

lots of other stuff going on.

My dad is having a procedure on his heart on Monday, he won't tell me what it is, I think it is another angioplasty but not sure. He is acting so strangely lately and I hate it. His 2 best friends died this year, one 2 weeks ago) and I think it is freaking him out. He is scared something will happen and he won't be around. He's also really sad for me and D, my mom says he hasn't been sleeping since we told them. He keeps calling me multiple times a day and he keeps offering me money so that D and I can decide our next steps.

My mom has skin cancer. She just got the call yesterday and doesn't have all the information. (It's really hard for my parents to get all the medical stuff because English is not their first language) Anyway she says they are going to burn it off but they need to test a few more areas and there are also some lumps they need to test as well.

and finally D has another infection. It is no where near as bad as last time and thankfully he will not be hospitalized, just treated with oral antibiotics. Not sure what kind of infection it is, they are sending out cultures to see if it is MRSA again (I don't think it is b/c there is no growths but what do I know). He's been feeling some pain around the incision and went to see out PC Dr. this morning.

It's also been a sad week for some ladies on my board and want to send all my nesties BIG ((((HUGS)))).

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D and I have are moments when everything is fine and then of course we remember. D says when he is ready to move forward he wants to do DS. I've got a call in to my RE to ask what this entails at our clinic and about the whole IUI procedure. I'm a planner and it is very hard for me to just sit around and not research something or plan ahead. Even though I don't know when we'll move forward it is nice to know that we are moving toward something.

Thanks for the emails, comments, vm's, support and prayers, it is very much appreciated.

It is hard for so many to get what we are feeling and of course we have heard many inappropriate, insensitive comments over the last 4 weeks. I love this quote from Life in the White House's Blog -
"The problem with infertility is that I am mourning children that do not exist and I'm the only one who misses them."

That is exactly how D and I feel. It's worse in some respects then losing a parent (D feels this is harder than losing his mom). In the natural circle of life parents die before their children and while it is sad, it's life. Children aren't supposed to die before their parents. When the children never get to be more then a dream, hope, wish or prayer then you and your spouse are mourning someone that never existed and you are mourning a life that you will never have.

At some point you will move on and decide to adopt or use DE or DS or maybe adopt embryos and you will be happy and have your family. It won't happen the way you imagined it would but it doesn't make it any less special.

But you have to get to that place where you are ready to move on. I've always dreamed of a little boy with D's eyes and cute ears. With his generous heart, sense of humor and crooked, mischievous smile. I'm not there yet.

this post is all over the place, just trying to get all this outta my head.