Update

D is feeling a little better. Some of the swelling has gone down and sometimes you can tell it is 2 balls instead of 1 mango ball.

Yesterday we went out and hung out with a few of our nieces and nephews and DH's bro, SIL and other SIL. It was nice and hard at the same time. Our God-daughter is 3 and whenever I hold her I wonder if I will ever get to hold my own kids.

D has suggested that maybe we get away for a couple of days so I am now scouring the internet for a cheap trip. Wish me luck.

Big, Sch.we.aty Ball

Ok - so as I mentioned yesterday DH has 1 huge mango sized ball.

When I originally removed dressing on Wed. it did not look like this at all and I thought maybe something was wrong. So, when it still looked awful this morning, I started to worry and called Dr. S. I told the nurse what it looked like and she said she would ask Dr. S and call me back. When she called back she said to come see Dr. S.


We drive over to Cor.nell, pay lots of $ for parking and Dr. exams him and says that it is normal, it's just really swollen and he needs to keep icing and take anti-inflammatory.

I feel stupid and DH thinks I worry too much.


I guess better safe than sorry. After all, if I don't look out for the Sch.we.aty ball who will.


After the craziness of today, I needed a good laugh and so did D so I found the original Sch.we.aty Balls skit from SNL and we laughed and now DH has forgiven for dragging him into the city. (I also cooked him dinner and made my amazing spinach-artichoke dip)


So if you need a laugh click the link below and savor the sch.we.aty balls







http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azddGazTvv0

I am the worst wife ever!

Ok, I am awful.

I hate looking at DH's balls right now. Well, actually it looks like 1 giant swollen ball and it makes my stomach hurt. I can't even imagine what it must feel like. He's walking really funny with his legs really far apart.

I suck it up and clean and dress his incisions but it just looks very unnatural, kinda like a giant mango or maybe avocado.

I hope all his discomfort is worth it in the end. Poor D, 1 giant ball and your wife is telling the world. I am awful.

Are you fucking kidding me? (vent)

First of all, let me preface this post by saying that I love my parents very much, they are kind, generous and loving.


They are also, crazy, demanding, and think that as their eldest child it is my duty to stop everything I am doing and run to them whenever they call.


My parents are immigrants, their English is not that good and I am the translator/accountant/filler outer of every form ever and if I don't understand it I am a dumb ass.


I feel like I am going to scream! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

DH just had his surgery on Monday. This morning was hard, D woke up feeling pain and he was really swollen. I had to remove the dressings from his incisions to check for excessive blood and then he could take a bath. He's really being a trooper, not complaining and in good spirits. It was hard to look at his balls and his cuts, I don't like knowing he is in pain.


While he showered I got a call from my mom asking me if when I was going to her house. Um, hello, I'm not going anywhere D is in pain and needs me, he can't really bend and I help him go to the bathroom, pull his pants up, etc. She then goes into how she needs me to help her with the peppers (at the end of the summer, she jars the peppers, from their garden, in vinegar for the winter). Lady, while your peppers are important, D needs me, leave me alone. After the usual I don't help my family speech (I do everything I can possibly do for my parents, even though my younger brother lives with them and is never asked to help with anything), I finally got her off the phone.


I helped D dry off and re-dressed his wounds and then my dad calls. He goes on and on about filling out some papers for his land upstate and calling the fence company about a fence, etc. I don't know what he wants from me. All the papers are at his house, I don't the info and I am not going there to get it. He then keeps asking when I am going there. I tell him I don't know, which is not a good enough answer and he just won't stop. Finally, to get him to leave me alone I gave the phone to D. (Poor D, in pain and having to hear me and my dad going back and forth)


I then proceeded to cry, I am feeling really overwhelmed and scared and emotional (it doesn't help that AF is on her way). Of course, I don't do this in front of D, he's dealing with enough, he doesn't need a hormonal wife.


Is it to much to ask that they just leave me alone? I can't run every time they call. D needs me right now, his balls are my priority and the peppers, land and fences are going to have to wait.




On a lighter note


When D and I were on our honeymoon we bought donkey balls and I was thinking of ordering some online in honor of his ball surgery. If you haven't had them, they are delicious. http://www.surfinass.com/donkey-balls.html

It's finally done

I'm going to write everything that happened yesterday (this will be long and boring) so that we have can one day show our future children everything we went through to have them (hopefully this will make them feel guilty and they will listen to everything we say ;)

We were told to be at the ambulatory surgery unit by 9am and of course I am always early so we got there at 8:30am (the UN was also having a general assembly, dumb-ass bush was in town and fdr was having sporadic closures so I wanted to leave early just in case the traffic was hell).

We checked in and DH got dressed in his sexy hospital gown and socks with grippers on the bottom. He looked adorable (I have pics). We then had to wait in the waiting area until he got called for surgery, which is scheduled for 10:45 (why we had to be there so early is beyond me).

So, we're hanging out in this room with a bunch of other people getting ready for surgery and no one is talking to each other and the t.v. is showing some awful morning show that I have never heard of.

At 9:45 Dr. S comes in to see us and we go into a private room so that he can mark the incision areas on DH's region. He goes over what he is going to do, instructions for after surgery (which may change depending on what he finds in there) and asks us if we have any questions/concerns. I just need to say once again I LOVE this man, he is great! Anyway, I ask a few questions and mention to him we saw him on the Today show. He got embarrassed and turned a little red. After we go over everything he says someone will be down in an hour to get D.

We head back to waiting room and the t.v. is now on Maury and of course they are doing the "are you my baby's daddy?" dna tests. Why is this on? and more importantly this is not something we want to see. D gets up and changes the channel to the today show.

Our surgery gets delayed and they don't come get us until about 11:20. While waiting D is very anxious and is fidgeting, is holding my hand, not holding my hand, leaning on me, not leaning on me and looks like he wants to run the hell out of there.

When they get us they take me to the family waiting room and tell me that they will call me when he is in recovery. D and I hug and kiss and I watch him go behind the doors.

Then I wait and wait and wait until 2:05 when they finally call me and tell me I can go to recovery stage 1. While waiting I read (the professors' wives' club), stare out the window, eavesdropp on other people's conversations, ate a fiber bar, drank some water, text-ed people, called some peeps and sat in various positions in various locations in this room (but could not escape the very pregnant woman who kept moving where ever I moved to). All is all, it was a nice waiting area, they had coffee, tea, water and muffins.

At 2:05 I head upstairs, find my way through a maze of curtains and sick beds and find D in a corner. I was so happy to see him I teared up. He had the breathing thing in his nose (no clue what it is called) and was very groggy. I hugged him and kissed him and could not stop staring at him. He told me that they inserted a tube down his throat and it was raw and hurt to talk.

Nurses (including a very pregnant one) kept checking up on us and taking his vitals and gave him some apple juice.

After about 20 minutes they wheel in another patient to the space next to D's. This woman is crying in agony and just came from L&D. We don't know what happened to her, we over hear the nurse say she has been through hell, she is 17 weeks and she is 19 years old. She is in so much pain and doesn't stop crying (she is not fully awake). I start to cry because you can tell she is hurting so much and I look at D and he is tearing up. We hear the nurses telling her that everything went well and it is all going to be fine but we never found out if the baby was ok.

I hope she is ok, she didn't have any family with her. Eventually they gave her something to calm her down and the crying stopped.

At about 3:30 they took D to recovery stage 2 and it was here that he got to sit up, eat a blah turkey sandwich and take the very important piss that will allow him to go home. We stayed here for about an hour. Once he had peed they said he could get dressed. They gave us ice for his area, another set of instructions for home care and let us go home. Some of the instructions we had been given were contradictory and we were a little confused as to how to proceed. I asked if the Dr. was coming down to see him and the nurse said no. We left the hospital around 4:30 and I decided to call the office to ask my questions.

D was walking pretty slow and you could see how uncomfortable he was. I drove as quickly and safely as I could and did my best to avoid potholes and bumps.

When we got home our phone was ringing and it was Dr. S. He apologized for not seeing us before we left. He came down a few minutes after we had left. He said (more than once) that the surgery went very smoothly and as well as he could have hoped. Everything was moved to where it needs to be and D is to avoid lifting, sports, etc. for at least 4 weeks. He doesn't need to wear any thing to protect the area because he wants it to be loose (no briefs, no tight pants, etc). (this is opposite to what the nurses said)
He will see D in a month in the office and to keep the area, incisions clean and dry. D has 3 incisions. If D has any questions/concerns to call him and we notice any excessive blood to go see him immediately. He was really happy with how everything went and so are we.

So now we wait, we wait for D to heal, we wait for 1 month appt., we do a repeat SA in 3 months and we wait and see.

There is chance that this will not change a thing and we will be where we were Sunday night. There is also a chance that sperm will appear in SA's and that will mean no mTESE next Spring There is a chance sperm production will improve in the testes and not be in the semen.

There is also a chance for a miracle, a chance that things could go back to normal, while Dr. S has never seen it happen, there is a chance and I'm praying we get our miracle.

Thank you for all your support, prayers and good vibes, we truly appreciate it. I also wanted to say that our experience with the staff and everyone at Cor.nell has been amazing, I am so grateful we are so close to one of the best IVF and MFI centers in the U.S.

DH's surgery is tomorrow!

W've been waiting about 2 months for tomorrow to come and now that is almost here I want it to be OVER already. D is very, very anxious. I have no idea how he must feel, I don't know what to tell him to calm him down. I don't have balls so I have no clue what it will be like to have a Dr. go in there move them around and then open up the veins. They did tell him that they may swell up to the size of 2 plums - can you say Holy Giant Testicles Batman!






These may be my man's balls - ouch.



So while D is getting his balls worked on I will be very impatiently waiting for the Dr. to come tell me he is ok and I can go see him in recovery. I hate surgery waiting rooms. No one talks to each other, you make every effort not to look anyone in the eye and 60 seconds in the outside world equals 2 hours in the waiting room. Oh, and the TV is always on Jerry Springer or Maury and it's about baby daddy's and DNA tests - just awful.

Why this surgery is going to work

1. DH's MFI Dr. who is performing the surgery was featured on the Today Show this week on their Rethinking Infertility segment. He is one of the best MFI Dr's in the US and one of the pioneers of mTESE. This is the link if you're interested in checking it out (he's the first Dr. shown)

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/26754324#26754324

2. Our acu had given us a jade turtle for Chinese New Year and I haven't been able to find it for a few months and I found it today, so since turtle's are symbols of fertility, it's a good sign.

3. Because it is

Please sends prayers, positive vibes and sperm production dust to my DH tomorrow morning at around 9:30am EST. Pray that Dr. S is able to get in there and fix everything that needs to be fixed and that DH's sperm production returns to normal levels.

Sundays

Are the worst day for me.

D works on Sundays and that leaves me with a lot of time to think and be sad.

I usually try to go to my parents house but lately that hasn't stopped the over-whelming grief that grips me out of nowhere. Tears start to fall, sobs start to come and I feel like I am sinking.

I cry until I can't breathe, my face hurts, my eyes so swollen I can barely see and my heart feels like it will never be whole.

How can I miss something I have never had so much?

Pre-Op = check

DH just finished his Pre-Op appt.

We're one step closer to his surgery.

9/10/2001 - 9/11/2001 (warning - sad and scattered)

First of all I want to remember all those whose lives were terribly cut short on 9/11/2001.
Rest in Peace.

******************
For me 9/10/2001 is a day that I will never forget. I was staying in DH's apt. that night (on the lo.wer ea.st side) and helping his niece with her resume for a job.

At around 8:30pm my mom calls me and tells me my 31 year old cousin committed suicide (it will be described later so feel free to stop reading). To say that I was in shock is an understatement. I think I started crying and screaming and I think I freaked out D's niece.

My poor Zia found him in their apartment with a gun and he had shot himself in the head. There was blood and brain stuff? everywhere. I love my Zia so much and am very close to her, she's like my second mom. I am also very close to her 2 daughters but I never was close with her son, my cousin M. I always wonder if there was something I didn't see or if there was something I could have done.

I don't know how my Zia was able to function the following days and through the wake and funeral. How does one go on after seeing her child's brains all over the floor?

There was no note, we don't know why he did it, I just wish everyday he hadn't. I wish that there were some signs. I wish I had been a better cousin. I also wish it hadn't been my Aunt that had found him.

On 9/11/01, I woke up in D.'s apt. rushed to get dressed and head back up to my place in the bx. I left about 1 hour before the first plane hit. D saw it happen from his window.

After rushing home and showering I drove straight to my Zia's to see her and had no idea what else was going on. When I got there they were watching the news and I learned about the attacks. While we mourned M, we also mourned all those that passed away in the attacks.

My roommate and BFF's future SIL died in tower #2, leaving behind 2 small boys. At first they searched all hospitals hoping she had made it out. My BFF and her boyfriend scoured the city looking for her, putting up posters and praying for her return. Eventually they found her hand in the debris.

For the weeks that followed we called our apt. the home of gloom because we were both feeling so much sadness. Every year when 9/10 comes around I feel an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness. This year is no different.
This year it's especially hard since as of today we have officially hit the 2 year TTTC mark.
IF sucks.

RIP M, vi vogliamo bene.

DH told my parents!!

D is just getting braver and braver (he even told people at work). I am so, so proud of him!

On most Sundays, I go to my parents house with Oreo (our furbaby) while David works. He takes the train up after work for dinner.

While we were clearing dishes from dinner (I made fresh marinara from the tomatoes in my parents garden) he says to me, "I'm going to tell your parents." After a few seconds I get what he is saying and ask him if he is sure. He tells me they should know and he wants to tell them.

So after we're done cleaning up he calls Ma and Pop (as he refers to them) and says he wants to talk to them.

He then proceeds to tell them that we've been TTC for 2 years and that we need help because he has NOA. He's having surgery this month and we will try IVF in March and we have 40% odds that it will work. He tells them that he loves them and is sorry he hasn't given them grandchildren.

My mom was very supportive and told him not to worry it was going to happen and it wasn't his fault (another thing he said) and gave him a big hug and told him she loved him. My dad just sat quietly crying. When I had told them a few months ago that we were having issues and would be doing IVF (I did not tell them any specifics about why we needed to do this) my dad got up and left the room, he couldn't deal with it. I was actually surprised my dad sat there and didn't leave again.

When we left my dad gave D a big hug. On the way home D said telling my dad was the hardest thing he ever had to do. I have to agree with him, I never want to disappoint my dad or see him sad. We're both BIG criers and very emotional in general. Growing up I NEVER wanted to upset my Dad, I am a Daddy's girl to this day. He is the most wonderful man ever and D is just like him, it's a little frightening.

All in all it went well and D is glad he told them. I am too. It was very hard to hide it from them because we are extremely close and I know they would want to be there for us. D was worried they would stop loving him, I'm glad he sees that they will love him no matter what, just like me.

*************************************

Update on my friend Z and her husband A.
Dr. S performed the mTESE and found thousands of spermies. They even have some leftover to freeze!!! They have 7 embabies right now and will have a 3dt on Wed.
I am so happy for them. Praying those embies keep growing and growing, I hope they get some snowbabies!

Cara Amica - sono cosi contento!!!

Dr. S is amazing, he truly has been given a gift and to be able to help couples who previously would have had no hope is amazing. I am praying his hands can fix what is going on in DH's balls and we can have our miracle babies next year.

I've been Tagged!

So, I've been tagged by Echloe http://elusivebfp.blogspot.com/

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.


Six Random things about me (if you want to learn even more random facts about me see last nights post).

1. I am an excellent cart wheeler, when I was a kid my dad built me a balance beam from 2x4's and I would cartwheel all day long. I have no other gymnastic talents, I can just cartwheel.
2. One of my BFF's is getting her PHD in Social Work and used the DSMIV (some huge book full of disorders) to DX me with oppositional defiance disorder, so basically I hate when people tell me what to do. I think I fight every single thing my boss tells me to do.
3. I have been nicknamed the human VCR because I can recall useless facts about TV shows in pretty much an instant.
4. I'm about 40% grey at the age of 32, I hate it. I have black hair and it shows the second my roots come in. I get my roots done once a month. When I get pregnant I don't know how I will cope with not being able to do my roots, this actually keeps me up at night.
5. I actually paid money to swim with sharks when I went to the Bah.a.mas.
6. I love heights, the higher the better.

Tag, you're it! (I'm only tagging 4 people, what can I say I've never been one to follow directions, see random fact #2)
1. Amber http://pregnantbetweenthelines.blogspot.com/
2. Jilly http://maybebabyblog.blogspot.com/
3. Christine http://inconceivablebride.blogspot.com/
4. Andrea http://andreainindiana.blogspot.com/

untitled

Does anyone else feel like they have to give every post a title, it's a lot of pressure :)

It has been pouring all day and I love rain. I love thunder and lightning. I really love BD'ing to the sound of rain ;) So does Oreo, he's humping his stuffed dog right now.

Nothing new to report. Trying to plan a getaway for D and me for the week after surgery. I hope he is up for it, we need sometime out of this space.

**********************************************
So, here's some randomness about me.

I love to dance, I will dance at any time, in any place to any type of music. I wish I could dance for a living. Oh, and I am an excellent dancer. I also love to watch people dance, hence my obsession with DWTS and SYTYCD.

I love to read, I can read a book in a day. D calls it my crack habit.

I wish I could hit the lotto and have a farm where I could grow all my own fruits, veggies and raise all my own animals (when it comes time for slaughtering these animals I will conveniently be out of town).

I love to travel, if I did win the lotto I would have a home in NYC, Maui, Italy (most likely Roma) and Miami (South Beach). I would also have a private jet, that could take me anywhere, anytime.

I love to sing, I am absolutely horrible at it, I think I can make people's ears bleed but that doesn't stop me from singing. D actually loves it that I continue to sing despite it sounding like raccoons mating (I don't know for sure what they sound like but the raccoons behind our building are always making awful sound and we're assuming that they are doing it).

I am extremely competitive. I love to win. I rule at pictionary, taboo and celebrity. I love card games, board games and playing kickball.

I hate people who are fake, two-faced and judgemental.

I am very liberal.

I love school. I love to learn and hopefully in the near future will get my PHD. As an undergrad I double-majored in Political Science and History with a minor in Peace & Justice studies. I have a Masters in Urban Affairs (concentration in Community Development) and last year I started a post-graduate certificate in GIS.

In addition to my 9 to 5, I do make-up for weddings (I love making people feel beautiful). If you have any questions or want some make-up tips please feel free to reach out to me. BTW, you'd never know by looking at me that I possess these talents, I never wear make-up unless I am going somewhere.

D and I are born two days apart, he's older :)

I have a younger brother, he's 15 months younger and we look nothing alike. He takes after my mom's family and I take after my dad's famiglia. I also had an older brother who passed away when he was born. My mom carried him to term and he died a week before she went into labor, it must have been so sad for her to go into labor knowing her baby was already gone.

I am an excellent cook. If you're ever in the Br.onx I'll fix you something.

My mamma nonna was the best grandparent anyone could ask for. She loved me so much and it was truly unconditional, I miss her everyday. Nonna, ti voglio bene.

I wish I could go to It.a.ly every year to visit my family (my dad's 2 brothers and 1 of his sisters live there still).

I am pretty easily amused and laugh extremely loudly.

Please send prayers or positive vibes :)

One of my paesanas and her husband, I'll call her Z and him A, are in the same boat as D and I, they are dealing with NOA. Tomorrow is A's mTESE and Sunday is Z's ER. Please pray that Dr. S finds lots of viable sperm tomorrow and those spermies fertilize all of her eggs and they get their miracle BFP in a couple of weeks (and a few snow babies).

Z - cara amica, I am praying with all my heart for you and DH. Buona Fortuna e un fortismo abbraccio.

****************************

I actually justed POAS because I am a lunatic! I found an old, expired box of HPTs and peed on them just in case they gave me a false positive so I could see what 2 pink lines look like. I am really sick. I know you feel the need to judge me right now and say to yourself "this girl is nuts" and I agree I am nuts :)

Anyway, of course they were negative, I can't even get an expired HPT to work.

D came back from P.R. on Monday and they had a nice time on their man-cation. They had really nice weather and Thank God the hurricanes didn't affect them. I'm so glad he is home, I missed his wormy ass (we had some great I missed you so much BD'ing this week ;).