Long Day and Triggering Tuesday Night

I had a breakdown yesterday and today and thankfully I am feeling better now.

Yesterday morning I went in for monitoring again. My RE did the u/s today which was so nice b/c she actually told me what was going on. D also came with me and he was so nervous, it was actually funny to see how weirded out he was.

She said my lining was 9.2 and I have 7-10 on the right ranging from 10 to 15mm and 4-6 on the left with the same range. I am disappointed, I feel like I should have more eggs.
She stressed how beautifully I am coming along and that she started me on the lowest dosage and really didn't want me to over-respond. She thinks I will trigger either Monday or Tuesday night. I have to go in every morning now and she is really happy with everything.

So I will have anywhere from 11 - 16 eggs - I feel like I should have like 25 eggs! I guess I wanted lots of eggs b/c if we are blessed enough to find sperm it will not be super great quality and I wanted more eggs to fertilize just in case a lot of them didn't make it but at the same time I don't want lots of embryos and have been praying for enough to have the family we have been hoping, wishing, praying for.

D got mad at me when I was upset and kept quoting my Dr. "you're coming along beautifully, why are you upset, I'm the one who is messed up" and now I feel guilty for making him upset.
Poor Worm, he is so scared and nervous.

Today I went back in for monitoring - Right ovary 7-10 follies from 10mm to 19 and left ovary 4-6 follies from 10 - 18. Dr. who did my u/s said to get hcg ready because I may be triggering.

I freaked out and lost it at work, sobbing in my office. I feel like I have to0 few eggs and am scared that we won't have any embies, even if we find sperm. I am freaking out and can't make my mind stop racing.

I am so scared, all the months of waiting and praying and now we will know if we have any chance at all for a biological child.

Then I start thinking maybe they started me with such a low dose b/c they didn't want me to make a lot of eggs b/c they don't think they will find sperm. My head is really running all over the place.

Eventually, I calmed down and was feeling so much better. I think I just needed a good cry.

Then, around 4:30 D gets a call from MFI Dr's nurse who tells him his mTESE will be tomorrow, which means I am triggering tonite. I tell D I haven't been told anything yet. So we assume his Dr's office got the call before I did.

I was hoping to do 1 more night of stims and trigger tomorrow night. Anyway at 5:15 I get a call from my Dr's office and they tell me to do another night of stims at same dosage and to come in tomorrow for monitoring and that I will trigger Tuesday night and D's mTESE will be Wed.

HUH! I tell my nurse about D's call and she said that they called prematurely and that to follow her instructions and that we'll get a call from MFI Dr's office with new plan. Ok, 30 minutes goes by and D never gets a call. Around 5:45 I call MFI Dr's office and leave message saying that we need to clarify mTESE date because I am not triggering tonite. The answering service takes message and I haven't gotten a call back.

Well, we are following my Dr's directions and I did what should be my last dosage of stims tonite. Monitoring tomorrow morning and triggering tomorrow night. D's surgery will be Wed. morning! AHHHHH!

Please say prayers, think fertile thoughts and send postive vibes, we are getting so close.

In spite of all my nuttiness, I am very grateful we get a chance at having a biological child. God, please let this work.

Oh, and I need a vacation and I'm blaming the meds for my craziness.

(On repeat in my head, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change)