:(

Sometimes I think I can't possibly have any more tears left. I have cried so much and so hard the last year that my tear ducts have to be dried up, there can not be a drop of water left inside those things.

Yet, somehow, there are always more. They just start to fall; while I'm driving, while I'm sitting at my desk working on an excel document, while taking a shower, while eating lunch, while reminding myself to breathe, while wrapping a gift, while washing a dish.

Sometimes they are silent tears, sometimes accompanied by very loud sobbing, sometimes I have to struggle for air. Sometimes they last for a few minutes, sometimes for a couple of seconds and sometimes it seems like they are never going to stop.

Sometimes it happens a few days in a row and sometimes it will be weeks in between the tears.

All the time, I miss my babies, I wish they were here, I wish I didn't need to see more doctors or come up with another plan or cry any more sad tears.

I just wish this were different. This road has taught me a lot about myself, I am a very strong woman and my marriage is built on real, unconditional love.

It has also taught me that I have a never-ending amount of tears, tears that will someday be tears of joy.