heart broken

The last 2 weeks have been a roller coaster. We lost our babies, yes, babies, I was pregnant with fraternal twins. We are so sad, angry, heart-broken and just lost.

On May 4, I was 5w2d and around 1:15 I went into bathroom at work and there was red blood all over pantyliner, tp, bowl and there was a clot on tp. I lost it! I ran upstairs trying not to cry and called nurse. She said come in now for u/s. I go back to bathroom before leaving and am still bleeding and see another clot. I call D and tell him to meet me at RE"s office and proceed to drive like a crazy, crying mess into city.

It takes over an hour to get there and before I get into stirrups I go to bathroom again. It seems like the blood is tapering off but I have another clot on TP :( These looked like period clots not like suppository mixed with blood).

Anyway, D and I are in room waiting for RE and he comes in and tells me that he knows everything is fine and let's do u/s.

He inserts vaj cam and I see nothing on the screen, my heart drops. After a sec he says to nurse how many did we put back? I say 2 and he says well you have more than 1 in there. He then zooms in and shows us 2 sacks and their yolk sacks! HOLY CRAP!!! D and I are both crying and in complete shock. I kept asking are you sure?

I asked him if the bleeding was 1 baby disappearing and he said no. Everything about the sacks is perfect. I do have old blood in uterus and may continue to have bleeding. He said I know it's scary but I really think for you this is normal.

We were so excited.

On Tuesday, May 11th, I was 6w2d and started bleeding around 7:30 in the morning and it got progressively heavier and heavier, soaking through 6 pads w/in a 3 hour window and I was passing huge clots and had awful cramps, it was so scary and disgusting. After first soaking I emailed nurse and was told to go in asap.

I picked up D in the city and we got to RE's around 1. I was still heavily bleeding and RE had to clean me up since I was bleeding all over (so disgusting).

Finally did u/s and we lost one of the babies :( We're so sad but glad we have a little one still holding on. The remaining baby is measuring 6w and it's heartbeat was flickering at about 70bpm. At this point it we know it can go other way with remaining little worm but we were praying for a little fighter in there.

RE put me on bed rest until next u/s. The bleeding tapered off by the end of the night and then for the entire time I was on bed rest I had some red blood on toilet paper and sometimes in the bowl. Once and a while there would be a spot on the pad.

Yesterday, I was 7w1d and the u/s showed our little baby but it's heart had stopped beating.

We are just lost. Sometimes my sadness just overwhelms me and I am crying, sobbing mess. I don't even know what to say or do.

I'm hoping to m/c naturally but if not we're scheduled for d&c next Thursday.

U/S showed that I have lots of clots in my uterus :( This is going to suck ass.

I just don't get it. Why?!!!???

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.