Happy? Thanksgiving and 2 more breakdowns (this is going to be all over the place)

Happy Thanksgiving to all. In honor of the holiday, I am going to write about all things I am thankful for. Followed by random crap :)

My D, he is the best partner a girl could ask for and has the ability to make me laugh until I cry. He is an answered prayer.

Oreo, my furbaby, furry and always willing to snuggle.

My parents and brother for their support and unconditional love.

My friends, who don't understand what we're going through but try to be as supportive as possible.

The TTTC board on the nest, my sisters in IF, I love them all, they are all wonderful and supportive and a Godsend.

The Twi.light Saga, I am obsessed. I actually watch the trailer online everyday at work (even though I've already seen the movie).

I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner ever and it was YUMMY! I didn't ruin Turkey!

A New President, Gambling, Potatoes, Milk Duds and Baby Smell

Ok, not the most wonderful reasons to be thankful but, it's been a rough week.


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So, D broke down a couple more times this past week. Literally, as soon as I as posted my last blog post about wondering how I would deal with another one, another one came. The last two were not as bad as the one a couple of weeks ago but still hard to see. I amazingly stayed calm and talked him through everything he was feeling.


He just feels so guilty for doing this to me, I need to find a way to help him let go of this guilt. I don't blame him at all and he is carrying this awful burden. I've suggested therapy again and he is not wanting to try it.


All his pain is much deeper than our IF journey. His mom passed away when he was 19 and he feels incredible guilt over going out and not being home when she died. She had been ill but there were no indications that she was going to pass away. She died at home. When she passed D did not deal with it at all, just pushed it down and kept his grief and pain hidden away, like most men.


Our journey has brought all this back to the forefront, because our particular brand of IF can't be put away til later to be dealt with. We have only 1 course of action to be biological parents and he needs to deal with it b/c it is MFI. So, all the emotions he kept buried deep down are now just below the surface at all times. He finds himself crying at work, on the bus ride home and with me. While some of his tears are from our IF, more and more our conversations are about his mom and what a bad son he was.


I've never met D's mom, we started dating about 4 years after she passed away. I know in my heart that he was a wonderful son, just like he is a wonderful partner. I hope that through our talks and his crying he finally lets go of the guilt over our IF and not being there for his mom. I'm hoping to take him to 'visit' his mom this weekend.


Last night, we spent the night at my parent's house. One of my Dad's cousins came by last night and we were talking and he told us his daughter (my distant cousin) is pregnant and due in June. Of course, D and I said all the right things and were genuinely happy for him and his family (while being sad on the inside for ourselves). My Dad on the other hand looked uncomfortable and after congratulating his cugino, immediately changed the subject and didn't participate in the proceeding baby discussion D, my mom and I continued to have with my Dad's cousin.


I've never seen my dad have a reaction like that. It tore me in half and still makes me cry to think about it. We haven't been in the same room before during a pregnancy announcement since we told him a few months back about our IF. I know my dad is hurting a lot for D and I and for himself, he wants to be a nonno so badly. D also feels guilt about my Dad, he loves him so much and hates that he hasn't made him a nonno yet.


I don't know if I have ever mentioned on my blog that my Dad is the kindest, most generous, truly wonderful human being ever. Can you tell I am a Daddy's Girl? It's pretty crazy but D is exactly like my Dad (I'm sure you're not surprised). Other than our pain, his is the one I worry most about. I don't think he knows what to do with it and he can't fix this for me.


He dotes on my dog so much and when his friends share grand kids stories, he talks about my dog. Today, while I was cooking he kept trying to get Oreo to watch the Ma*cy*s Thanksgiving Day Parade with him. The way he was talking made me cry in the kitchen, I could see him having the same exact conversation with a grandchild.


Happy Thanksgiving, not so happy but praying it will get better.


Ok, I'm done rambling, if you've made it this far you are entitled to an extra helping of your favorite Thanksgiving Day desert.