Rough night

Lately, I've been wondering how I am holding it together. I consider myself to be a very strong person, but sometimes I think I am going to snap. I've had my moments, I've sobbed and screamed and cried but I always feel better afterwards. It's getting harder to feel better afterwards.

IF is a full-time job (and since I already have one, I guess I work 2 FT jobs). I'm constantly managing my feelings and reactions to things so I don't lose it in public (which you already know I have). My job description also includes being D's rock, being hopeful and positive and keeping us moving forward.

Last night I held my husband while he sobbed for at least 30 minutes. I have never heard such anguish in all my life or ever seen D like this. Typing this is making me guilty, like I shouldn't share his private pain but I need an outlet too.

It scared the crap out of me. I held strong, I hope I said the right things and I let him cry. How I did not lose it, I have no idea. I just kept thinking remain calm and help him. I don't think I have ever felt so useless. Did I say the right things, do the right things?

He said he felt better afterward (he repeated it this morning). I really hope he did. I've been asking him if he wants to see someone (a therapist) and he says no. I don't know what to do.

IF is 1 small step forward, 2 giant steps back sometimes. I keep praying that D lets go of the guilt and blame he carries. I hope some of it came out last night.

This shit is so unfair! I fucken hate this so much. D is the best person I have ever known, kind, caring, generous, selfless, funny and just good. Why does he have to go through this? I just don't get it and I need to stop wasting my time trying to.