DH's surgery is scheduled and some randomness

Warning:
This entry is a little crazy and all over the place, I just needed to get some stuff out.



So it is all taken care off, D is all set up for surgery.

He will have his orchiopexy (basically moving the testicles further away from the body) and varicocele surgery (opening up the veins to and from his balls) on Monday, Sept. 22nd. He goes in for pre-op on 9/12 (he also has to bring 1/2 of the dr.'s surgery fee, $7,000 and they will bill his insurance for the rest, pray they pay for it).

I am so scared. And I go back and forth from complete and total optimism - this is going to work, to feelings of guilt and anger that this is not going to make any difference at all.
I hate thinking negatively but I am so scared. Basically having sertoli cell-pattern only sperm is like one step above 0 sperm and although DH's Dr. has had success with women getting pregnant from it, it has very low odds.

I just want to be a mom and I want D to be a dad and while there are other ways to achieve these goals, all those ways will mean we are not the biological parents and I am not ready to let that go yet. I don't know if I ever will be. Can I just say I hate feeling this way!!!

In my complete and total optimism swings I even imagine Dr. S walking out of the operating room with viles of viable sperm. I am such a lunatic. Please someone help me, I am delusional.

So, some good news about the surgery is that it won't be super invasive. The incision will be in the groin area and only about an inch long. The whole surgery takes about 2 hours and is done under a microscope. D shouldn't be in too much pain (they'll prescribe vicadin (sp?) and he will have a lot of swelling which will cause the most discomfort (they'll give him celebrex (sp?) and ice packs). After surgery he will be on bed rest for a day and than has to take it easy for the next couple of weeks and cannot lift anything over 10lbs. for 4 weeks.

The other good news is that he will be home the entire 4 weeks!!! DH's manager extended his vacation time 1 extra week (paid) to allow him to be completely recovered before going back, I am so grateful to her!!! She is actually a single mom of IVF b/g twins (her 5th try) from donor sperm. She has been really supportive and I am so appreciative. D was also been there for her during her IF and the last time she went through IVF he bought her two candles, one pink candle and one blue candle, and told her this one was going to work and she would have b/g twins. D is such a cutie :) D's job is all physical labor and if he went back before 4 weeks he would just do his job and lift whatever. His manager knows this about him and that's why she pushed for the extra week.

I will be home with him for the first 2 weeks and if he is feeling up to it we will take a short vacation the second week. A little getaway to somewhere close by.

So friends, PLEASE pray (or send positive vibes) that DH's surgery is successful, that sperm production returns to normal and we can have biological children. Please God bless us with a miracle.

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Every once and a while I think that I already have so much and I am selfish because I want more. I have a great family, wonderful friends, a job I actually love and the most wonderful, kind, giving, funny husband a girl could ask for. Why do I need more? Why do I need to be a mom? Don't I have enough? There are plenty of people who don't have 1/8 of what I have.

I think about how happy I was on our wedding day, the complete and utter joy and love I felt for D. We had two separate dances to ourselves that day - the first dance and then a dance later in the evening that is referred to in these parts as the spotlight dance.
For our first dance we danced to Frankie Vally and the 4 Season's "Your just to good to be True" and then danced to Edwin McCain's "I could not ask for more."

There is a verse in I could not ask for more that still gets me choked up when I hear it

I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I haves come true
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

Now I think to myself I am asking for more, I am asking for a miracle, to be a mom. Maybe I used up all my prayers, maybe I don't get any more.