Sometimes I feel like I am about to go under. I hate feeling like this!
I hate not having any control over this shit!
I just want to be a mom. I can not even begin to tell you how many times a day I say these 7 words to myself.
I imagine holding my children, laughing and playing with them. I imagine sharing all the things I love with them - music, books, food :)
I imagine seeing them in D.'s arms and the look of complete love and joy on his face.
I imagine my kids running around in my parent's backyard, playing with their Nonno and Nonna and chasing our furbaby Oreo.
I just want this to be real. I just want to be a mom.
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We've been TTC since 9/06 and DH has unexplained NOA. After 3 surgeries, including a failed mTESE and IVF we decided to move on to DS. We were blessed to get pregnant with 4 babies, but sadly I m/c'ed. 3 D-IUI's, 3 IVF's and 2 FET's and we're still trying to figure it out. I am going to be honest and open about my feelings; At times I may be whiney, annoying, complaining and depressing. We're just trying to heal and figure out what's next for us.
About Me
- theworms
- D and I have been together for 12 years and married 5. We thought starting a family would be a piece of cake, we were wrong. This is our journey to the family we have been praying, hoping, dreaming and wishing for. If you have any questions about unexplained NOA, sertoli cell-only pattern sperm or just want to chat please email me at theworms1022@gmail.com.
Our Journey So Far - 5 years and counting :(
*Met in October 1998
*Got Married in October 2005
*started TTC in Sept. 2006
2007
*Used at home fertility test, Fert.ell and it said I was fine and DH needed to see a Dr. (we thought it was wrong)
*1st SA in October = no sperm (we thought it was just a formality and it was me, we were wrong. D is so upset, comes from a long line of pro-creaters, youngest of 12 kids and we have 48 nieces and nephews, some of them great nieces and nephews)
*Praying it is a blockage
*Test for blocked tubes, cystocopy, no blockage November *Testicular biopsy in November = old Uro interpreted slide as Maturation Arrest (D also gets an infection)
*DH was on clomid and hcg injections for 3 months
2008
*meet w/ RE and have basic testing done and SHG
*Repeat SA February = no sperm
*in April Consult with MFI Dr. (one of the best in the country) Ran lots of tests on DH, everything is normal
*Interprets biopsy slide as Sertoli Cell-Only Pattern
*MFI Dr. recs. that DH have Orchiopexy (moving testicles further from body) and Varicocele Surgery (opening up veins) and he does in September (he also winds up in hospital for 5 days with MRSA infection)
*DH took 25 mg clomid from 11/08 to 3/09
2009
*Started BCP for IVF w/ICSI and mTESE on 1/31/09
*Added Lupron on 2/22
*Started Stimming 3/7 (150 units gonal F)
*Triggered on 3/17
*mTESE 3/18 = no sperm found (DH also gets another infection)
*decided to move forward w/ DS and purchased DS in July
*met with new RE in August
*CD3 b/w repeated 9/29/09
*HSG = all clear 10/5/09
*1st D-IUI, clomid, 50 mg for 5 days (11/12 - 11/16)
*ovridel trigger 11/18
*IUI#1 11/20
*beta 12/4 = big fat FAIL
*2nd D-IUI CD3 b/w u/s 12/9/09
*100 mg clomid 12/9 - 12/13
*Monitoring appt. 12/16 = 4 follies
*ovridel trigger 12/17
*IUI#2 12/19
*BFN 1/4/10
2010
*3rd D-IUI CD4 b/w u/s 1/11
*100 mg clomid 1/11 - 1/15
*Monitoring appt. 1/18 = 2 follies
*ovridrel trigger 1/19
*IUI #3 1/21
*beta 2/4 = BFN
* Moving Forward w/ IVF 1.5
* started BCP 2/12/10
* added Lupron 3/19/10
* started folgard, baby aspirin and dexamethazone 3/19/10 *started stimming for IVF 1.5 3/31 (150 units gonal F and 1 vial menopur)
*Triggered on 4/9/10
*ER 4/11/10, 22 eggs
*1st Fert Report 4/12/10, 17 mature, 15 Fertilized
*Day 3 Fert Report 4/14/10, 11 exactly where they should be and 4 stragglers
*ET 4/16/10, transferred 2 blasts
*4 expanded blasts frozen
*Beta #1 10dp5dt on 4/26/10, 168
*Beta #2 12dp5dp on 4/28/10, 448
*1st u/s 5w2d, it's twins :)
*2nd u/s 6w2d, lost baby 5/11/10
*3rd u/s 7w1d, lost other baby 5/17/10
* D&C 6/7/10
*RPL & clotting b/w show blood clotting disorder
FET
*7/1 - started BCP
*7/9 - hysteroscopy
*7/22 - add lupron, dexamethasone, folgard
*7/25 - last BCP
*7/31 - baseline and start E2V (intra-muscular 2 times a week) and lovenox (60mg)
*8/14 - b/w & u/s
*8/20 FET!!!
*8/29 Beta = BFFN
*9/2 WTF appt.
*9/29 cd 24 endometrial biopsy
IVF#2
*10/12 started provera
*10/23 added lupron, baby aspirin, folgard, dexamethazone
*10/26 last provera
*10/28 AF arrived
*11/1 baseline
*11/3 started stimming and lovenox
stims varied through out cycle, I was on gonal F and menopur
*11/8 intralipid infusion
*11/13 triggered
*11/15 ER - 11 eggs
*11/16 fert report 5 mature eggs, 5 fertilized
*11/18 day 3 fert report, all 5 exactly where they are supposed to be
*11/20 transferred 2 expanded blasts grade 1 and grade 2
*11/29 9dt5dt beta#1 - 149
*12/1 11dpt5dt beta#2 - 450
*12/13 1st u/s 6weeks 1 baby w/HB
*12/13 around 10pm started bleeding
*12/14 2nd u/s baby is gone m/c #3
FUCK!!!!!!
2011
*1/31 met with hematologist, ran lots of b/w
*2/14 follow up w/ hematologist, more b/w
i have disproportionate ratios in Von Willebrand Factor (tendency to bleed)
*2/15 CCRM phone consult
*2/27 started BCP for FET
*2/28 hysteroscopy
*3/8 met with RPL Dr., lots more bloodwork
*3/31 started meds for FET
dexamethesone, Lupron 10 units
*4/4 dropped to 5 units of Lupron
*4/9 started delestrogen .2ml
*4/28 transferred 2 expanded blasts
*5/6 8dp5dt BFP beta is 57
*5/10 12dp5dt beta is 262
*5/16 5w2d started bleeding, u/s showed 1 sac, beta is 1817
*5/23 6w2d m/c
more testing, no more answers
lots of bleeding 6/29, 7/1, 7/10 on and huge bleed on 7/15
7/22 hysteroscopy, 5 polyps removed
*Got Married in October 2005
*started TTC in Sept. 2006
2007
*Used at home fertility test, Fert.ell and it said I was fine and DH needed to see a Dr. (we thought it was wrong)
*1st SA in October = no sperm (we thought it was just a formality and it was me, we were wrong. D is so upset, comes from a long line of pro-creaters, youngest of 12 kids and we have 48 nieces and nephews, some of them great nieces and nephews)
*Praying it is a blockage
*Test for blocked tubes, cystocopy, no blockage November *Testicular biopsy in November = old Uro interpreted slide as Maturation Arrest (D also gets an infection)
*DH was on clomid and hcg injections for 3 months
2008
*meet w/ RE and have basic testing done and SHG
*Repeat SA February = no sperm
*in April Consult with MFI Dr. (one of the best in the country) Ran lots of tests on DH, everything is normal
*Interprets biopsy slide as Sertoli Cell-Only Pattern
*MFI Dr. recs. that DH have Orchiopexy (moving testicles further from body) and Varicocele Surgery (opening up veins) and he does in September (he also winds up in hospital for 5 days with MRSA infection)
*DH took 25 mg clomid from 11/08 to 3/09
2009
*Started BCP for IVF w/ICSI and mTESE on 1/31/09
*Added Lupron on 2/22
*Started Stimming 3/7 (150 units gonal F)
*Triggered on 3/17
*mTESE 3/18 = no sperm found (DH also gets another infection)
*decided to move forward w/ DS and purchased DS in July
*met with new RE in August
*CD3 b/w repeated 9/29/09
*HSG = all clear 10/5/09
*1st D-IUI, clomid, 50 mg for 5 days (11/12 - 11/16)
*ovridel trigger 11/18
*IUI#1 11/20
*beta 12/4 = big fat FAIL
*2nd D-IUI CD3 b/w u/s 12/9/09
*100 mg clomid 12/9 - 12/13
*Monitoring appt. 12/16 = 4 follies
*ovridel trigger 12/17
*IUI#2 12/19
*BFN 1/4/10
2010
*3rd D-IUI CD4 b/w u/s 1/11
*100 mg clomid 1/11 - 1/15
*Monitoring appt. 1/18 = 2 follies
*ovridrel trigger 1/19
*IUI #3 1/21
*beta 2/4 = BFN
* Moving Forward w/ IVF 1.5
* started BCP 2/12/10
* added Lupron 3/19/10
* started folgard, baby aspirin and dexamethazone 3/19/10 *started stimming for IVF 1.5 3/31 (150 units gonal F and 1 vial menopur)
*Triggered on 4/9/10
*ER 4/11/10, 22 eggs
*1st Fert Report 4/12/10, 17 mature, 15 Fertilized
*Day 3 Fert Report 4/14/10, 11 exactly where they should be and 4 stragglers
*ET 4/16/10, transferred 2 blasts
*4 expanded blasts frozen
*Beta #1 10dp5dt on 4/26/10, 168
*Beta #2 12dp5dp on 4/28/10, 448
*1st u/s 5w2d, it's twins :)
*2nd u/s 6w2d, lost baby 5/11/10
*3rd u/s 7w1d, lost other baby 5/17/10
* D&C 6/7/10
*RPL & clotting b/w show blood clotting disorder
FET
*7/1 - started BCP
*7/9 - hysteroscopy
*7/22 - add lupron, dexamethasone, folgard
*7/25 - last BCP
*7/31 - baseline and start E2V (intra-muscular 2 times a week) and lovenox (60mg)
*8/14 - b/w & u/s
*8/20 FET!!!
*8/29 Beta = BFFN
*9/2 WTF appt.
*9/29 cd 24 endometrial biopsy
IVF#2
*10/12 started provera
*10/23 added lupron, baby aspirin, folgard, dexamethazone
*10/26 last provera
*10/28 AF arrived
*11/1 baseline
*11/3 started stimming and lovenox
stims varied through out cycle, I was on gonal F and menopur
*11/8 intralipid infusion
*11/13 triggered
*11/15 ER - 11 eggs
*11/16 fert report 5 mature eggs, 5 fertilized
*11/18 day 3 fert report, all 5 exactly where they are supposed to be
*11/20 transferred 2 expanded blasts grade 1 and grade 2
*11/29 9dt5dt beta#1 - 149
*12/1 11dpt5dt beta#2 - 450
*12/13 1st u/s 6weeks 1 baby w/HB
*12/13 around 10pm started bleeding
*12/14 2nd u/s baby is gone m/c #3
FUCK!!!!!!
2011
*1/31 met with hematologist, ran lots of b/w
*2/14 follow up w/ hematologist, more b/w
i have disproportionate ratios in Von Willebrand Factor (tendency to bleed)
*2/15 CCRM phone consult
*2/27 started BCP for FET
*2/28 hysteroscopy
*3/8 met with RPL Dr., lots more bloodwork
*3/31 started meds for FET
dexamethesone, Lupron 10 units
*4/4 dropped to 5 units of Lupron
*4/9 started delestrogen .2ml
*4/28 transferred 2 expanded blasts
*5/6 8dp5dt BFP beta is 57
*5/10 12dp5dt beta is 262
*5/16 5w2d started bleeding, u/s showed 1 sac, beta is 1817
*5/23 6w2d m/c
more testing, no more answers
lots of bleeding 6/29, 7/1, 7/10 on and huge bleed on 7/15
7/22 hysteroscopy, 5 polyps removed
65 Books in 2011
1. Cresendo by Becca Fitzpatrick
2. Night Star by Alyson Noel
3. Wicked by Sara Shepard
4. Dead to the World by Charlaine Harris
5. Dead and Gone by Charlaine Harris
6. Awakened by P.C. & Kristin Cast
7. Lovers and Newcomers by Rosie Thomas
8. Love Letters by Katie Fforde
9. Insatiable,
10. When Lightning Strikes,
11. Code Name Cassandra,
12. Queen of Babble,
13. Queen of Babble in the Big City
14. Queen of Babble Gets Hitched,
15. Safe House,
16. Sanctuary &
17. Missing You by Meg Cabot
18. Maybe This Time by Jennifer Crusie
19. Seven Year Switch by Claire Cook
20. Conception Chronicles by by Patty Doyle Debano, Courtney Menzel and Shelly Sutphen
21. Notting Hell by Rachel Johnson
22. Metro Girl by Janet Evanovich
23. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larsson
24. True Colors by Kristin Hannah
25. Star Island by Carl Hiaasen
26. River Marked by Patricia Briggs
27. Mini Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella
28. Me by Ricky Martin
29. Size 12 is Not Fat,
30. Size 14 Isn't Either &
31. Big Boned by Meg Cabot
32. Anyone But You by Jennifer Crusie
33. The Girl Who Played with Fire &
34. The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest by Steig Larsson
35. The Castaways by Elin Hilderbrand
36. Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
37. Dead Reckoning &
38. A Touch of Dead by Charlaine Harris
39. Practically Perfect by Katie Fforde
40. Smokin' Seventeen by Janet Evanovich
41. Sing You Home by Jody Picoult
42. Once Upon a Time, There Was You by Elizabeth Berg
43. Barefoot &
44. The Island by Elin Hilderbrand
45. Everlasting by Alyson Noel
46. Overbite by Meg Cabot
47. What Would Jane Austen Do? by Laurie Brown
48. Bossypants by Tina Fey
49. The Baby Trail by Sinead Moriarty
50. The Pact by Jody Picoult
51. Original Sin, A Sally Sin Adventure by Beth McMullen
52. Blue Bloods by Melissa de la Cruz
53. One Day by David Nicholls
54. Home Improvement: Undead Edition edited by Charlaine Harris and Toni L.P. Kelner
55. Heat Wave by Richard Castle
2. Night Star by Alyson Noel
3. Wicked by Sara Shepard
4. Dead to the World by Charlaine Harris
5. Dead and Gone by Charlaine Harris
6. Awakened by P.C. & Kristin Cast
7. Lovers and Newcomers by Rosie Thomas
8. Love Letters by Katie Fforde
9. Insatiable,
10. When Lightning Strikes,
11. Code Name Cassandra,
12. Queen of Babble,
13. Queen of Babble in the Big City
14. Queen of Babble Gets Hitched,
15. Safe House,
16. Sanctuary &
17. Missing You by Meg Cabot
18. Maybe This Time by Jennifer Crusie
19. Seven Year Switch by Claire Cook
20. Conception Chronicles by by Patty Doyle Debano, Courtney Menzel and Shelly Sutphen
21. Notting Hell by Rachel Johnson
22. Metro Girl by Janet Evanovich
23. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larsson
24. True Colors by Kristin Hannah
25. Star Island by Carl Hiaasen
26. River Marked by Patricia Briggs
27. Mini Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella
28. Me by Ricky Martin
29. Size 12 is Not Fat,
30. Size 14 Isn't Either &
31. Big Boned by Meg Cabot
32. Anyone But You by Jennifer Crusie
33. The Girl Who Played with Fire &
34. The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest by Steig Larsson
35. The Castaways by Elin Hilderbrand
36. Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
37. Dead Reckoning &
38. A Touch of Dead by Charlaine Harris
39. Practically Perfect by Katie Fforde
40. Smokin' Seventeen by Janet Evanovich
41. Sing You Home by Jody Picoult
42. Once Upon a Time, There Was You by Elizabeth Berg
43. Barefoot &
44. The Island by Elin Hilderbrand
45. Everlasting by Alyson Noel
46. Overbite by Meg Cabot
47. What Would Jane Austen Do? by Laurie Brown
48. Bossypants by Tina Fey
49. The Baby Trail by Sinead Moriarty
50. The Pact by Jody Picoult
51. Original Sin, A Sally Sin Adventure by Beth McMullen
52. Blue Bloods by Melissa de la Cruz
53. One Day by David Nicholls
54. Home Improvement: Undead Edition edited by Charlaine Harris and Toni L.P. Kelner
55. Heat Wave by Richard Castle
Trouble Trying To Conceive Lingo
BCP = Birth Control Pills
Beta = Blood test for HcG (pregnancy hormone)
BFN = Big Fat Negative (on HPT)
BFP = Big Fat Positive (i.e. PREGNANT!)
CBEFM - Clear Blue Easy Fertility monitor
DE = Donor Eggs
DH = Dear Husband. Even when he's not being particularly dear.
DS = Donor Sperm
DX = Diagnosis
ER = Egg Retrieval (part of IVF)
ET = Embryo Transfer (last step of IVF)
FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer
Follies = Follicles or Eggs
HPT = Home Pregnancy Test
HSG = x-ray of Uterus and Fallopian tubes done by inserting dye through the cervix.
ICSI - intracytoplasmic sperm injection – used with IVF, especially in cases of Male Factor Infertility
IF = Infertility
Injectibles = see "Stims"
IUI = Intrauterine Insemination
IVF = In Vitro Fertilization
Lap = Laproscopy
M/C – miscarriage
MFI = Male Factor Infertility
mTESE = microdissection Testicular Sperm Extraction
NOA = non-obstructive azoospermia
OHSS = Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome
PCOS = Polycystic Ovary Syndrome
PIO = Progesterone in Oil
POAS = Pee on a stick (i.e. taking a HPT)
PUPO = Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise
RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist
SA = Semen Analysis
S/E = Side Effects
Stims = follicle stimulating drugs
TTC = Trying to Conceive
TTTC = Trouble Trying to Conceive
TI = Timed Intercourse
U/S = Ultrasound
Beta = Blood test for HcG (pregnancy hormone)
BFN = Big Fat Negative (on HPT)
BFP = Big Fat Positive (i.e. PREGNANT!)
CBEFM - Clear Blue Easy Fertility monitor
DE = Donor Eggs
DH = Dear Husband. Even when he's not being particularly dear.
DS = Donor Sperm
DX = Diagnosis
ER = Egg Retrieval (part of IVF)
ET = Embryo Transfer (last step of IVF)
FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer
Follies = Follicles or Eggs
HPT = Home Pregnancy Test
HSG = x-ray of Uterus and Fallopian tubes done by inserting dye through the cervix.
ICSI - intracytoplasmic sperm injection – used with IVF, especially in cases of Male Factor Infertility
IF = Infertility
Injectibles = see "Stims"
IUI = Intrauterine Insemination
IVF = In Vitro Fertilization
Lap = Laproscopy
M/C – miscarriage
MFI = Male Factor Infertility
mTESE = microdissection Testicular Sperm Extraction
NOA = non-obstructive azoospermia
OHSS = Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome
PCOS = Polycystic Ovary Syndrome
PIO = Progesterone in Oil
POAS = Pee on a stick (i.e. taking a HPT)
PUPO = Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise
RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist
SA = Semen Analysis
S/E = Side Effects
Stims = follicle stimulating drugs
TTC = Trying to Conceive
TTTC = Trouble Trying to Conceive
TI = Timed Intercourse
U/S = Ultrasound
2 comments:
Oh, you are going to be such a great mom... it brings tears to my eyes thinking how unfair all of this is. (((HUGS)))
I hope you're feeling better - sorry I'm late in responding.
I can't help but imagine a life full of children. And sometimes my daydreams seem so real. It's always a rude awakening when I'm snapped back into *this* reality. But I'm hopeful that both of our realities will change soon. Hugs.
xo,
Amber
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