I have always been very hopeful, ridiculously, annoyingly hopeful. People get annoyed with my always, hopeful, positive self (I've been called Chipper, go ahead feel free to vomit). When I have an off day, everyone notices it and comments on it. For a little while now, I've been feeling like hope is a four-letter word, like fuck or shit.
I've been feeling like this part of me was slowly being extinguished, like someone pouring sand over a fire. I've felt sad and depressed, everything having the ability to set me off and make me cry my eyes out. IF slowly takes away pieces of yourself and I hate it.
For the last few days, my happy, hopeful (and delusional) self has returned. I was walking around with the feeling just maybe we would be blessed with a miracle this month.
Yesterday was CD36
I have had sore boobs for a few days
Light cramps
Extreme emotions (my DH even said what is the matter are you pregnant?)
weird VAG pain
constant peeingMy cycles are usually anywhere from 28-32 days and once in a while 34 days. This last cycle was the first cycle since May 2005 that I didn't chart (why bother) and I thought maybe, just maybe it was a miracle.
I went to target yesterday to buy some HPT's and while there I bought the cutest stuffed sea turtle for my future baby. (I know I am ridiculously hopeful)
I love sea turtles and this stuffed one is so silly looking and reminds me of the baby sea turtle in Fin.ding Ne.mo, Squirt. A little squirt for my little squirt.
When I woke up this morning, AF still had not arrived so I decided to POAS, well actually 2 sticks, an internet cheapie and a real HPT.
After a couple of minutes I checked the tests and of course there was only 1 line. I actually didn't feel sad and still really don't feel sad. It's CD 37, AF nowhere in sight and I had hope for the first time in a long time.
The sea turtle is hanging out on my headboard and one day will be in our baby's crib. IF has taken a lot from me and D but I've decided it is not going to take my hope.
7 comments:
I'm so sorry!!! I read your post on the nest. Hope is all we have sometimes even though I agree it should be added to the list of the "Bad" four letter words. I'm praying for the day where you can give little sqirt to your little squirt.
Sending love & Hugs,
Christine
(Some day we won't be inconceivable...We'll be Moms some how!!!)
Uggg!! I'm so sorry. I hate that you went through this today. You will have a little squirt for your little squirt, you will!!
Sorry that you didn't get the "+" today. But, I think it's wonderful that you have hope again. Someone on another blog (that I can't for the life of remember now) said that when you don't have hope that means you've given up.
I'm sorry your cycle or the HPT aren't cooperating! I'm glad, however, that you decided that IF won't take away your hope. It is that very hope that will allow you and the DH to continue forward and get to the place you both so deserve to be. Ti penso sempre!
I know what you mean. Hope can go both ways. Your time is coming. I just know it:)
I'm am so sorry about the BFN. But, what a wonderful thing to have hope. IF takes so many things away from us -- I know what a struggle it can be to hold on to the hope. (((HUGS)))
I'm glad to hear that you aren't letting go of hope. It is good to stay positive and hopeful in this rough patch. Lots of hugs.
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