Tears may fall

On Monday, I cried at work and I still feel like an ass. I was feeling so guilty for leaving D and guilty because I was glad to be out of the house. My co-worker asked me about DH (she know what is going on) and I lost it during a full staff meeting (we were talking in a corner while waiting to start). We both left meeting but I was mortified and eventually had to go back in, what a loser :'-[


I've always been a crybaby, I cry at commercials, weddings on tv, when I'm happy, sad or angry but lately the tears just seem to always come. I think I have cried everyday for the last 3 weeks. What is the matter with me? I don't even need a trigger anymore, the tears just fall.


I try not to cry in front of D, he blames himself for our IF and I don't want him to feel bad or like any of this is his fault. Usually I would cry when he was at work but since he's been home, he's noticed me crying a lot and I blame things like the Twilight books for my tears.


Today we went out (D hasn't ventured outside much since the ball surgery) to our friend's house to help with last minute wedding details, their wedding is this Saturday (D is Best Man and I am bm). So while I wrote out placecards D and his friend C (the groom) played video games, I couldn't help but remember 3 years ago doing the same tasks for our wedding and it made me sad. I loved our wedding, it was lovely. I was so happy and couldn't wait to start this next chapter in our lives. I had no idea that 3 years later we would be scared to death that we may never be able to conceive a child.


Part of me feels jealous because they are just starting and they are still filled with all the joyous possibilities of what is to come. They plan on TTC right away and I know they will be successful and I feel like we will be left behind. I hate myself for feeling this way, I literally am repulsed by my feelings.


While driving home I started crying. D noticed and let me cry, he knows I just need to let it out. I've always been a firm believer in crying it out. When we got home he gave me a huge hug. I could get lost in his arms, my nook, as I refer to it. In my nook nothing can touch us.

Since these tears don't seem to want to stop I feel like I should have some sort of warning sign attached to me, that blinks repeatedly


Warning: Tears may fall


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D is doing better. Most of the swelling is gone. He's moving around a lot more but still has difficulty bending. Slowly getting back to his old self. One of his incisions hasn't closed and we've been seeing some blood on the gauze, I'm a little worried. The others are great, completely closed and don't hurt at all. It will be 3 weeks tomorrow. I'm calling the Dr. tomorrow b/c I want to make sure that this is ok.

His post-op appt is on Halloween. It's kinda strange because his first appt with old uro was last Halloween. I'm hoping and praying for a miracle.


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I am currently obsessed with the Twilight Saga!

It is great! I love the story and Edward (who doesn't) and I also love Jacob (I think I am in the minority). If you haven't read it, do it, right now, don't wait, you'll love it.


I hope she finishes Midnight Sun, I love reading from Edward's POV. I can't imagine how Stephenie Meyer must have felt when someone she trusted leaked her book. What a betrayal. Taking her words before she was ready to share them. (I still read them, couldn't help myself)


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I think I am back at my heaviest weight ever and I can't stand it! I hate the mirror and my clothes are tight. I need to do something fast. I wish I was the kind of person who could whatever and never gain weight. Maybe I'll have a growth spurt and grow like 5 inches to balance out the weight. I hate to exercise so I'm going to pray for the growth spurt and remember to be specific, I want to grow vertically :)



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My furbaby turned 3 years old this month and I love him so much. Oreo (still hate his name) has the ability to always make me smile, he is a blessing. Here's a pic of my Orius Maximus.