Happy? Thanksgiving and 2 more breakdowns (this is going to be all over the place)

Happy Thanksgiving to all. In honor of the holiday, I am going to write about all things I am thankful for. Followed by random crap :)

My D, he is the best partner a girl could ask for and has the ability to make me laugh until I cry. He is an answered prayer.

Oreo, my furbaby, furry and always willing to snuggle.

My parents and brother for their support and unconditional love.

My friends, who don't understand what we're going through but try to be as supportive as possible.

The TTTC board on the nest, my sisters in IF, I love them all, they are all wonderful and supportive and a Godsend.

The Twi.light Saga, I am obsessed. I actually watch the trailer online everyday at work (even though I've already seen the movie).

I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner ever and it was YUMMY! I didn't ruin Turkey!

A New President, Gambling, Potatoes, Milk Duds and Baby Smell

Ok, not the most wonderful reasons to be thankful but, it's been a rough week.


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So, D broke down a couple more times this past week. Literally, as soon as I as posted my last blog post about wondering how I would deal with another one, another one came. The last two were not as bad as the one a couple of weeks ago but still hard to see. I amazingly stayed calm and talked him through everything he was feeling.


He just feels so guilty for doing this to me, I need to find a way to help him let go of this guilt. I don't blame him at all and he is carrying this awful burden. I've suggested therapy again and he is not wanting to try it.


All his pain is much deeper than our IF journey. His mom passed away when he was 19 and he feels incredible guilt over going out and not being home when she died. She had been ill but there were no indications that she was going to pass away. She died at home. When she passed D did not deal with it at all, just pushed it down and kept his grief and pain hidden away, like most men.


Our journey has brought all this back to the forefront, because our particular brand of IF can't be put away til later to be dealt with. We have only 1 course of action to be biological parents and he needs to deal with it b/c it is MFI. So, all the emotions he kept buried deep down are now just below the surface at all times. He finds himself crying at work, on the bus ride home and with me. While some of his tears are from our IF, more and more our conversations are about his mom and what a bad son he was.


I've never met D's mom, we started dating about 4 years after she passed away. I know in my heart that he was a wonderful son, just like he is a wonderful partner. I hope that through our talks and his crying he finally lets go of the guilt over our IF and not being there for his mom. I'm hoping to take him to 'visit' his mom this weekend.


Last night, we spent the night at my parent's house. One of my Dad's cousins came by last night and we were talking and he told us his daughter (my distant cousin) is pregnant and due in June. Of course, D and I said all the right things and were genuinely happy for him and his family (while being sad on the inside for ourselves). My Dad on the other hand looked uncomfortable and after congratulating his cugino, immediately changed the subject and didn't participate in the proceeding baby discussion D, my mom and I continued to have with my Dad's cousin.


I've never seen my dad have a reaction like that. It tore me in half and still makes me cry to think about it. We haven't been in the same room before during a pregnancy announcement since we told him a few months back about our IF. I know my dad is hurting a lot for D and I and for himself, he wants to be a nonno so badly. D also feels guilt about my Dad, he loves him so much and hates that he hasn't made him a nonno yet.


I don't know if I have ever mentioned on my blog that my Dad is the kindest, most generous, truly wonderful human being ever. Can you tell I am a Daddy's Girl? It's pretty crazy but D is exactly like my Dad (I'm sure you're not surprised). Other than our pain, his is the one I worry most about. I don't think he knows what to do with it and he can't fix this for me.


He dotes on my dog so much and when his friends share grand kids stories, he talks about my dog. Today, while I was cooking he kept trying to get Oreo to watch the Ma*cy*s Thanksgiving Day Parade with him. The way he was talking made me cry in the kitchen, I could see him having the same exact conversation with a grandchild.


Happy Thanksgiving, not so happy but praying it will get better.


Ok, I'm done rambling, if you've made it this far you are entitled to an extra helping of your favorite Thanksgiving Day desert.

Walking on eggshells

Ever since D's sobfest last week I have been walking on eggshells.

I'm scared that something else is going to set him off.

I feel like a complete ass, he's not a wifebeater, just a man in a lot of pain.

The truth is I don't know if I can handle seeing him like that again and that makes me feel yucky inside. What kind of wife am I? Obviously, a wussy one.

I'm really scared that he doesn't want to move forward with mTESE and that means we will never have a biological child and I will never get to experience a baby growing inside me, feel a little kick against my belly or give birth. I'm scared that if he breaks down again this is what he will say and I don't think I am ready to hear it. Like I said, I am a wuss, a selfish wuss.

In a couple of weeks D and I will celebrate our 33rd birthdays (we're born 2 days apart), 3 is one of my lucky numbers, I am praying 33 is a better year for us. Two and a half weeks after our 33rd b-days it will be Christmas, my favorite holiday, and I am praying for a miracle. And exactly one week after Christmas it will be a new year, a new year filled with ?

and since I needed a laugh, here's a silly cartoon about wusses

Rough night

Lately, I've been wondering how I am holding it together. I consider myself to be a very strong person, but sometimes I think I am going to snap. I've had my moments, I've sobbed and screamed and cried but I always feel better afterwards. It's getting harder to feel better afterwards.

IF is a full-time job (and since I already have one, I guess I work 2 FT jobs). I'm constantly managing my feelings and reactions to things so I don't lose it in public (which you already know I have). My job description also includes being D's rock, being hopeful and positive and keeping us moving forward.

Last night I held my husband while he sobbed for at least 30 minutes. I have never heard such anguish in all my life or ever seen D like this. Typing this is making me guilty, like I shouldn't share his private pain but I need an outlet too.

It scared the crap out of me. I held strong, I hope I said the right things and I let him cry. How I did not lose it, I have no idea. I just kept thinking remain calm and help him. I don't think I have ever felt so useless. Did I say the right things, do the right things?

He said he felt better afterward (he repeated it this morning). I really hope he did. I've been asking him if he wants to see someone (a therapist) and he says no. I don't know what to do.

IF is 1 small step forward, 2 giant steps back sometimes. I keep praying that D lets go of the guilt and blame he carries. I hope some of it came out last night.

This shit is so unfair! I fucken hate this so much. D is the best person I have ever known, kind, caring, generous, selfless, funny and just good. Why does he have to go through this? I just don't get it and I need to stop wasting my time trying to.

Joy and Pain

I am so unbelievably happy that Barack Obama is our new President!!! I have never been more proud to be an American. I woke up Wednesday morning with a renewed sense of hope.

Along with this immense joy I am also feeling pain and anger. I can not believe that Proposition 8 passed in California. I am in utter disbelief that same sex marriages will no longer be allowed. What happens to the couples who married in the last few months? I just don't get it. What difference does it make to you if a gay couple gets married, how does it affect your life? Everyone, regardless of sexual orientation, deserves equal treatment under the law.

I am also so sad that Arkansas passed Initiated Act 1, aka The Unmarried Couple Adoption Ban - it makes it illegal for any individual cohabiting outside of a valid marriage to adopt or provide foster care to minors. While the measure was proposed primarily to prohibit same-sex couples from being adoptive or foster parents, this measure would apply to all otherwise qualified couples who are not legally married. Again, it is better for children to be pushed from home to home instead of having the potential to be adopted or fostered in a stable household with individuals who happen to be the same sex, again, I just don't get it.

While we took a huge step forward on Tuesday, I also feel like we took a few steps back.

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I am leaving for Chicago tomorrow morning! I am going to a GTG of fabulous nesties from my TTTC message board. I am looking forward to "meeting" all these lovely ladies and hanging out in Obama's home state.

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D has been feeling really down lately, this last month has really taken it out of him. I'm praying he can find faith to move forward and to let go of the guilt he carries.

I've told him we don't have to keep going if he is done. We can move onto adoption.
All I know is that my heart aches when he is sad and my heart breaks when he blames himself for our IF.

Praying for a miracle.

DH update & a music meme

DH had his post-op appt. with our miracle-worker MFI Dr. this past Friday. He said everything is looking good and healing up nicely. He felt awful about DH getting the MRSA.

So next steps, DH will be taking 25mg of clomid a day until March when we do IVF with mTESE. He will get blood drawn periodically to check various hormone levels while on the clomid, first draw in 1 month.

He will not be doing an SA's until ER time. Dr. thinks there could be a chance that there may be a few sperm in SA and then we would not need mTESE (I'm so hoping this happens, the mTESE costs $11,000, and since surgery was not covered, we just shelled out money we didn't think we were going to have to spend). Actually I'm praying for a huge miracle and that DH's numbers return to normal levels and we can conceive naturally or try IUI.

The Dr. may have said more but I was home with an awful AF throwing up migraine and didn't go with DH. They did put me on speaker to discuss next steps which was so fun, me laying in total darkness not wanting to hear any sounds trying to concentrate on Dr. and think of questions I wanted to ask.

I know this is going to sound so stupid but everytime I hear MFI Dr.'s voice I feel a sense of calm and that everything is going to be ok. I know I am a loser :)

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The Rules: A.) Go to Music Outfitters. B.) Enter the year you graduated from high school in the search function and get the list of 100 most popular songs of that year. C.) Bold the songs you like, strike through the ones you REALLY hate.
Of course, I never follow the rules so if I like the song it will be bold and BLUE (cause I'm a blue stater), if I don't like the song it will be RED.
I will also make comments on songs if I feel the need :)

Top 100 Hits of 1993/Top 100 Songs of 1993

1. I Will Always Love You, Whitney Houston (I hate this version, I love old Dolly's, however if I go the rest of my life never hearing it again I will be a happier person)
2. Whoomp! (There It Is), Tag Team
3. Can't Help Falling In Love, UB40
4. That's The Way Love Goes, Janet Jackson
5. Freak, Silk
6. Weak, SWV
7. If I Ever Fall In Love, Shai
8. Dreamlover, Mariah Carey
9. Rump Shaker, Wreckx-N-Effect
10. Informer, Snow
11. Nuthin' But A "G" Thang, Dr. Dre
12. In The Still Of The Nite, Boyz II Men
13. Don't Walk Away, Jade
14. Knockin' Da Boots, H-Town
15. Lately, Jodeci
16. Dazzey Duks, Duice
17. Show Me Love, Robin S.
18. A Whole New World, Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle
19. If, Janet Jackson
20. I'm So Into You, SWV
21. Love Is, Vanessa Willlams and Brian Mcknight
22. Runaway Train, Soul Asylum
23. I'll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me), Expose
24. Ditty, Paperboy
25. Rhythm Is A Dancer, Snap
26. The River Of Dreams, Billy Joel
27. I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles), Proclaimers
28. Two Princes, Spin Doctors
29. Right Here (Human Nature)-Downtown, SWV
30. I Have Nothing, Whitney Houston
31. Mr. Wendal, Arrested Development
32. Have I Told You Lately, Rod Stewart
33. Saving Forever For You, Shanice
34. Ordinary World, Duran Duran
35. If I Had No Loot, Tony! Toni! Tone!
36. I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That), Meat Loaf
37. Slam, Onyx
38. Looking Through Patient Eyes, P.M. Dawn
39. I'm Every Woman, Whitney Houston
40. Baby I'm Yours, Shai
41. Come Undone, Duran Duran
42. I Don't Wanna Fight, Tina Turner
43. I'd Die Without You, P.M. Dawn
44. Whoot, There It Is, 95 South
45. Hip Hop Hooray, Naughty By Nature
46. Another Sad Love Song, Toni Braxton is this woman ever happy, sing something that doesn't make me wanna crawl under the covers
47. Will You Be There, Michael Jackson
48. Comforter, Shil
49. Good Enough, Bobby Brown
50. What's Up, 4 Non Blondes
51. All That She Wants, Ace Of Base
52. 7, Prince and The New Power Generation
53. Dre Day, Dr. Dre
54. One Last Cry, Brian McKnight
55. Just Kickin' It, Xscape
56. I Get Around, 2Pac
57. Bed Of Roses, Bon Jovi
58. Real Love, Mary J. Blige
59. Here We Go Again!, Portrait
60. Cryin', Aerosmith
61. Cats In The Cradle, Ugly Kid Joe
62. What About Your Friends, TLC
63. I Got A Man, Positive K just plain bad
64. Hey Mr. D.J., Zhane
65. Insane In The Brain, Cypress Hill
66. Deeper And Deeper, Madonna
67. Rain, Madonna
68. The Right Kind Of Love, Jeremy Jordan
69. Bad Boys, Inner Circle
70. That's What Love Can Do, Boy Krazy
71. Do You Believe In Us, Jon Secada
72. Angel, Jon Secada
73. Forever In Love, Kenny G
74. Again, Janet Jackson
75. Boom! Shake The Room, DJ Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince
76. When She Cries, Restless Heart
77. Sweat (A La La La La Long), Inner Circle
78. It Was A Good Day, Ice Cube
79. More And More, Captain Hollywood Project
80. How Do You Talk To An Angel, Heights my ex used to sing this god-awful song to me
81. Rebirth Of Slick (Cool Like Dat), Digable Planets
82. What Is Love, Haddaway I will always love this song and think of Will Far.rel and Chris Kat.tan on bobbing their heads on S.N.L.
83. To Love Somebody, Michael Bolton
84. Give It Up, Turn It Loose, En Vogue
85. Alright, Kris Kross
86. Check Yo Self, Ice Cube
87. Fields Of Gold, Sting
88. Ooh Child, Dino 89. Faithful w/ Go West
90. Reason To Believe, Rod Stewart
91. Break It Down Again, Tears For Fears
92. Nothin' My Love Can't Fix, Joey Lawrence
93. Three Little Pigs, Green Jelly
94. Livin' On The Edge, Aerosmith
95. Hey Jealousy, Gin Blossoms
96. If I Ever Lose My Faith In You, Sting
97. Anniversary, Tony! Toni! Tone!
98. One Woman, Jade
99. Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Taylor Dayne
100. Two Steps Behind, Def Leppard

What has this exercise taught us, I have weird taste in music and 1993 was the year that every bad party rap song came out! With lyrical gems like Daisy Dukes and Whoot, there it is!!!!! 1993 was a magical year for music.

A "great" way to spend a Sunday

SO, I survived, just barely, and spent the drive home crying.

When did it become appropriate behavior to poke someone in their stomach and ask when they are having kids? My stomach is far from flat so thanks for making me feel even more self-conscious about my jiggly spare tire. Not only am I not fat from being pregnant or having a baby, but now I get to feel even uglier than I have been feeling. Way to go jackass.

Here is a rundown of the rude questions I was asked today -

When are you having a baby?
Why don't you give your mother some grandchildren?
When are you having a baby? (followed by poking in the stomach)
What are you waiting for?
When are you having a baby?
How OLD are you?
Did I already mention, when are you having a baby?

Here is a rundown of my rude responses -
I don't know
I gave here a grand-dog, he's really cute
Never
Why don't you go ask my brother to go pro-create?

I also went with the following non-verbal responses
My trademark look of death
My trademark look that tells you I am blatantly ignoring you
Rolling eyes

Fun times.....

Oh, and the best part my cousin is naming her soon to be born 3rd daughter Aliah (A-lee-ah), lost another name. At this rate if I ever have kids I'll just call them by there birth order. For example, #1 go get #2, dinner's ready.

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D went back to work today, he's sore and a little swollen. Going to ice his man parts. I know it just keeps getting better ;)

WTF!

I am so peeved with DH's insurance! First of all, I am very grateful we have insurance and I know so many people are suffering with illnesses and can't afford to go to the dr.

Anyway, we were hoping that DH's insurance would cover a portion of D's surgery. It was not technically a fertility treatment and could ultimately help prevent D from getting testicular cancer in the future. Well, they have decided that they will cover about $317 of the $14,000 surgery. OK, fine, I will deal with that, we'll tap into IVF savings and pay for it. This may cause us to cycle in June 2009 instead of March.

So, when DH was admitted to the hospital last week for the MRSA, I called his insurance within the 48 hour window to let them know he had been admitted. We get a letter today saying that they will not be covering DH's hospital stay because they did not receive any info from the hospital or DR. and it has been "denied for lack of information." Are you fucking kidding me?

He has MRSA, he was contagious, he had an open wound the size of a golf ball oozing on his stomach! I am so angry I could punch a wall!

Monday the battle is on, they should be scared of me, I'm going in with my guns blazing. I'm calling the Dr., the hospital and the insurance. I hope it all works out. I can not even imagine how much a 5 day hospital stay will cost us on top of D's surgery.

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In other fun news I had to go to Target today to get a gift for my cousin's baby shower on Sunday. I love buying baby stuff, I just wish it was for my baby.
I hope I get through the day with out crying.