Another small step

I called my clinic's IUI nurse and learned all about scheduling, who to call when, forms to fill out to alert them my gizz (aka ds) is on the way, etc.

I will be doing natural cycles (at least 3 before we change the game plan) and will be using opk's 2x a day til I surge.

I still don't know when we'll be doing our first IUI.

Step 1

Today is my phone consult with the counselor from the cyro.bank. They are supposed to call me at some point between 9am - 5pm, so I'm sitting by the phone all day :(

We're also going to clean out our closets, switching from winter to summer and donating the unwanted or unused stuff.

D repeated his b/w last week testing hormones since his mTESE and stopping the clomid. Everything is ok except his testosterone is low. He has to repeat in 6 months. He also has a testicular u/s in a couple of weeks to make sure all is good.

Will update after phone call.

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Welcome ICLW'ers! There is a run-down of our TTC history to your right.
Thanks for stopping by.

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Well, the call is done. Counselor called at 5 to tell me he would call back between 6 and 6:30, so I had to wait a little longer.

The call went better than I expected. We talked about our journey so far, why we were using DS, how many children we wanted (and I didn't cry).

I have to call back next week and let them know how many vials we would like and fill out a bunch of paperwork. Apparently, we've chosen a popular donor and he stock is limited (he's a dr. and according to counselor a great guy). I first have to call IUI nurse to figure out how many vials we will need for IUI's and future siblings.

DH and I had a really good conversation this afternoon and while we are both scared we know we want to be parents and have a family. He is scared of so many things and doesn't want to regret this choice. I'm so glad he talking and being open.

For now we've chosen our donor. We can move forward whenever we are ready. We will be going to counseling at our clinic prior to IUI's.

Thanks for the support and good wishes.

Updates

Slowly moving forward.

We've been talking, crying, debating, crying and finally know we will be using DS. This decision was not an easy choice for either of us but we think it is the best choice for us and our future family.

Both D and I went through a crazy range of emotions about this and I felt things I never thought I would. We've known about azoo dx since 11/07, we knew DS might be a future option and yet I never thought about how I would feel carrying a baby that was not biologically related to my husband.

We've found DS that we like and is actually the same ethnicity as D, this is very important to me . Let me tell you finding DS that is not Caucasian is very hard. I've reached out to the cyro.bank that has the DS and have gotten a long profile of the donor and also a childhood pic. I'm waiting for a call from one of their counselors to talk about why we are using DS, etc.

I also reached out to my RE and told her about our next steps. She was very supportive and told me to call her with any questions, concerns, etc. She gave me the contact info for the IUI nurse to arrange the DS shipment and we will be doing natural IUI's since I have regular cycles. She also gave me the contact info for the counselor at Corn.ell and we need to meet with her as well to get cleared to do DS.

We also have to option to do the IUI's at the cyro.bank that has the DS, it is also in NYC so we may use that option as well if we need to.

I still have my moments of intense sadness but it is getting better.

Thank You

It's been rough lately but I am feeling better. Thanks for the support, prayers and positive vibes. I really appreciate it.


Well, it's Mother's Day - I hope it is a happy one for those of your blessed with children.


I actually have a present to open today thanks to Tarah's idea that we have a Secret Angel Exchange. A bunch of girls on my message board signed up on Elfster to be some one's secret angel and we all chose Angels we would like to receive from Wil.low T.ree. Here's my secret angel gift and card from LisanCraig. I didn't want a figurine, so I chose a candle holder. I LOVE it and the card is so cute. Thanks Lisa and very big Thanks to Tarah for putting this together.


The candle holder is for prayer and reads Strength, beauty and peace each day.
I can't wait to use.

For the rest of the day I will be making my mom a special dinner and spending the day up at my parents house. I hope your day is a good one. (((HUGS))) to my IF girls.

Will I ever be happy again?

I've been sobbing every night for the last few days and I am just so sad.
I don't want to cry anymore, or be angry or ask why me, why us, why?
Why does this have to be so hard?

I just want to fast forward, move on, feel something new.

I just believed so hard we would get a miracle and we didn't. I see it happen for many people, why not us? (again with the whys?)

I just want get past the sad and feel happy again. I mean I have my moments of happiness, hours when I don't think about any of this. And then it hits.

Today is cycle day 38. For some it might mean a BFP around the corner, for me it means my period has decided to fuck with my head. What a dumb bitch.

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My mom's lumps came back benign, so that's great news.

Thank for everyone who asked and whose been sending prayers and positive vibes.

All over the place

That's how I feel and what this post will feel like.

D's incision has finally closed and his infection is gone.

My dad is doing well, his follow-up was today and everything is good.

My mom had her skin cancer burned off and they are testing a couple more locations on her body. She also had 3 lumps removed on Tuesday and they are out for testing. She's in pain but ok.

We're back from our very expensive weekend to mia.mi, it was so not in our budget right now (check last post as to why we went). We limited our time with D's fam. I am constantly shocked at the insensitivity of people. At one point when we were hanging out with D's fam, my nephew said that my watch was cool. I said thank you. My SIL asked me if D got it for me, I said yes, he gave it to me for Christ.mas. She then says to everyone, it's so nice when you don't have kids and you can buy each other presents. WTF!!!!! D just looked at me and I was going to go off but he just squeezed my hand and I stayed shut. I am completely livid and I am going to say something once I am a little calmer but at the same time I'm glad I didn't go off in front of my niece and nephew. She knows everything we have gone through, do you not think before you talk?. We have spent almost $50,000 to have a child. I would gladly never receive another gift again from anyone if I could have a biological child with D. What a douche!

Anyway, D and I did have a really nice time when we were alone and enjoyed relaxing and not being in this space. It was a nice break from reality.

It just bugs me that people don't get that we are grieving, that we have experienced a huge loss. Just because there was no actual baby that was lost doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. There is so much pain in never even being able to get to that point, to know that for the last 2 1/2 years there was never any chance at all of conceiving a child. To know that our future children will not be a product of us making love and making a baby.

D will not have a biological child and he is devastated and heart-broken. I just don't get it, my poor husband, the kindest, sweetest, funniest, most wonderful man in the world has to feel all this pain. I wish I could take it all away. I wish it were me everyday.

Life can be so unfair.
I know no one said it would be fair but it just sucks donkey balls.

Oh, and welcome to the ICLW'ers, a brief rundown of our journey is on the right. Thanks for stopping by, the comments are very much appreciated.

huh?

I just don't know what to even write anymore. I had hoped that my blog would go from IF to pregnancy and instead we're just stuck.

It was a bad week for me, I have been out of it and sad. While I am grateful we had an opportunity to try I just wish it would have worked. Dr. S's stats are 70% for sperm retrievals. It sucks to fall on the other side.

I remember thinking to myself while in the waiting room that the other 3 guys who were next in line for the mTESE would be the winners that day since we already fell on the bad side of the odds.

I am in the anger stage of grief. I am angry, why us? What the hell did we do to deserve this? Why can everyone around me get knocked up by having sex? WTF! I hope it passes quickly b/c I hate feeling like this.

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Other updates -

D and I are going to Mi.ami for the weekend to baptize our niece and nephew. They informed us the day after we were told we couldn't have biological children that we were to fly down this weekend for the baptism (we've known we would be the god parents for a long time, kids are 12 and 9). When we asked for an extension we were told no and are paying a ridiculous amount of money (hi, we just spent $20,000 to not have a kid) to fly to Mi.ami and for hotel since I refuse to stay with them and their insensitive asses. Am I being a bitch? I don't think I am but again I am in the anger stage. You've waited years, would it have killed you to wait a couple of months. The fertiles just don't get it. My SIL, who I like, is from South America and has offered to get me a kid, WTF does that mean? Hi, thanks for the offer but I don't want to adopt internationally and am not really in place to talk about this so please shut the fuck up.

I'm going to try to limit the amount of time I spend with them and lounge on a beach, which always relaxes me. I also scheduled a couple's massage for D and I, since we're broke why not ;)

My Dad is doing well. His procedure was successful and he's home relaxing and acting a little more like himself. We did get into an argument on Easter when I refused to talk to my family in Italy b/c I couldn't deal with the "when are you having kids" questions. (see Christmas 2008 for the calls to Italy cryfest)

My mom had her first treatment also. They still need to test a few more areas and her lumps, which maybe be removed first and tested later.

OK, sorry for the boring update. I don't have the energy to be humorous or sarcastic.

I have to say Thank God for my furbaby, he always finds a way to put a smile on our faces.