Why? What? How?

Questions every infertile asks themselves multiple times a day (at least we do).

Why is this happening to us?
What did we do to deserve this?
How did we get here?
WHY? WHY? WHY?

Well, I have no idea why this happens to anyone, it just fucken sucks.

You question everything you ever knew, thought or were taught about getting pregnant. I NEVER thought we would be here, NEVER!

I have always gotten my period like clockwork, ever since I turned 11, AF would come for her monthly visit. I started charting 6 months prior to our wedding day so we would know when I was fertile and could AVOID getting pregnant. D. comes from a huge family, I mean huge, the youngest of 12 kids, 38 nieces and nephews, no one had issues conceiving, why would we?

In Sept. 2006 we stopped avoiding having sex around my fertile time. When we didn't get pregnant right away we thought oh, maybe we're not timing it right, let's make sure we do it every other night up until I O. Ok, that didn't work. Let's try Pre-seed, it's a sperm friendly lubricant and it is not cheap. Every month for a year we made excuses, tried new positions, I spent $100 on a conception pillow (it keeps your butt in the air at the perfect angle so that the sperm can get in there) and still nothing.

The whole time I was thinking maybe it's the PCOS, maybe I''m really not ovulating and I think I am. Maybe my eggs are no good. As I mentioned earlier my GYN had dx'ed with PCOS. I never really thought I had it, I got my period, my charts showed ovulation, I wasn't growing hair in strange places, I didn't gain weight in patterns similar to men and my ovaries were not full of cysts. My RE later said I didn't have PCOS, at the time I was crying every month and thinking wow, this PCOS really sucks.

After, a year of this crap and trying every contraption known to man to get pregnant, D and I went to see my Endo (9/07) and ask his opinion. He said to get D checked out and if he was fine he would send me to an RE for more testing. We both thought, of course D is fine, his family could populate a village.

So D was all for getting tested and he went to see our PCP who referred him to a Urologist, who sent D for a SA (BTW, they had 70's porn, D was not happy). Well, the day we were going to see Uro the lab that did the SA called our home and told D over the phone that his sample had NO Sperm and it could be for a couple of reasons and to go on their website for further info. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!! How do you tell someone something like that and tell them to go to a website, what a bunch of ass-clowns.

D was shocked, histerical and crying his eyes out when he called me at work to tell me this. I had never heard him so filled with dispair in our entire 9 years together. I tried to get him to calm down and we went to see his Uro that afternoon, who confirmed the SA was missing sperm and everything else was normal.

He then told us not to freak out and he would do a test to see if there were blockages. WHY, is this happening to D, why can't it be me? I want the pain, I don't want D to blame himself.

The day after Thanksgiving, D went into the hospital, had a small camera stuffed up his member and dye shot in to see if there were any blockages. There weren't any, so Dr. did a testicular biopsy, which later showed maturation arrest sperm. When the Dr. came to the waiting room to see me and tell me what was going on, I remained very calm (I actually remember thinking to myself, Wow, you're really calm) and listened to everything he said, asked questions, said Thank you and as soon as he left I ran to the bathroom and lost it.

How can my husband have no blockages, where the fuck is the sperm, what is going on, WHY?

I remember going into the post-op recovery room and seeing my husband with the saddest face ever. I remember hugging him and telling him it is going to be fine and it will work out.

Almost a year later, I still believe with all my heart everything is going to be fine, it will all work out.
What else can I do?
I have to believe.
Why?
Because I have to.